drinking buddies | Drunky Drunk Girl

Tag Archives: drinking buddies

What if they can’t forgive and forget?

1:31 am

I’ve been wondering this for a long time, really, but it’s hit home over the past month-plus of my sobriety. What if the people you’ve hurt and/or offended either by the act of your drinking or the result of your drinking CAN’T or WON’T forgive and forget?

My brother is a case of having forgotten (I guess) but not forgiven. And as with some of my friends who have said (or implied) that they’re over what I did while shitfaced, the lack of forgiveness is shown by a passive aggressive refusal to engage; it’s maddening (and saddening). History: I went batshit KUH-RAZY on his girlfriend over New Year’s this year. I mean, I blacked the fuck out and went OFF. Calling her names, yelling at her to get back in the house, saying things like she and my brother don’t belong together, he never does this or that, he’s ruined his life being with her, he doesn’t care about me. I wound down, according to him, several hours later with his help, and at one point collapsed on the floor of their living room and passed out. The next morning was hell on earth, and his girlfriend didn’t even talk to me before I left. (It’s well known in my family, however, that most of what I said about her is true, to be fair. However, no one deserves what I gave her.) Anyway, six months later, and we’re still tiptoeing around each other when we talk, me and my brother, that is. He does have a passive aggressive streak — and is influenced heavily by his domineering girlfriend — so I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t forgiven me. I mentioned I was on my 30th day of sobriety in a recent email, and in his reply, he didn’t comment AT ALL on this. It was a long email, and he made a point of addressing everything in it except that. All I have to say at the moment is that I’m hurt and confused and sort of pissed: after that LONG talk on New Year’s Day (while I was about as hung over as I’ve ever fucking been, EVER) about how I needed to get sober for my health and my family’s sake, he doesn’t so much as bat a digital eye when I tell him I finally have?

I try to put myself in his shoes, though, before allowing myself to start judging what may or may not be an intentional snub on his part. Like, if I was there, being screamed at by my belligerent self, being called all sorts of names by someone who LOOKED PERFECTLY FINE — even though I’m blacked out, I look and act like I’m totally conscious; I’ve done so many things while blacked out that seem the actions of a fully aware, sober person, it’s incredible. If that was ME on the receiving end, I think it’d be REAL hard to find the will to forget, let alone forgive. I was a monster that night, and I know it. I still haven’t forgiven myself, so maybe I should cut my bro some slack.

On that note, I fly to the [beautiful island where I now live] tomorrow for a few weeks, so must get to sleep! My first vacation sober. Wow, it really is like getting a new set of wings — firsts every single day.

(Hmm. Maybe these types of conflicting feelings and interpersonal dilemmas that you face newly sober are, actually, best dealt with in AA? Maybe there is some rhyme and/or reason to the 12-step program? Eh…still not convinced!)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, drinking, drinking buddies, sobriety, wine, women

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Sobriety

Drunky Drunk Girl says, It’s time for some new friends!

9 Jul

1:06 am

Hmm. I’m happy — starting to feel content, I guess — to be going on a record number of days sober (today is 27!), but I feel sad. For the second time in a week, I’ve hung out with a friend who just doesn’t seem to dig my sobriety — even my attempt at it is perceived as threatening. Time for some new friends!

At the wedding, the guy friend I was sharing a hotel room with was none too happy, I felt, about me not drinking. In the past (how it’s “always been”), me getting shitfaced made it easier for him to get shitfaced, and justify getting shitfaced. Me getting shitfaced made it easier for him to hit on me and me to somehow convince myself that I wanted him to do so. Take away the booze on my part, and the whole game seems sort of pathetic. AND, it was clear to me how this person chose to be irritated over happy for me about quitting — he spent the entire time either one, refusing to acknowledge my sober attempt (not one comment or question re: why I wasn’t drinking, and that’s ODD, considering that it’s ME!) or two, seemingly rubbing it in my face by ordering a fucking drink EVERY time we sat down long enough for him to do so (I’m surprised he didn’t suggest buying a few six packs for the room!).

It’s not a big deal to me as we’re not that close and really, we don’t have much in common. Yet, I can’t help but dwell on my own clarity: it’s ME who’s approaching the situation differently, not them, and that makes a big difference. I mean, it’s pretty obvious to others that when drunks stop drinking, they stop hanging out with their drunk friends. Similar here in that, with the payoff gone (getting drunk due to having someone to drink with), I clearly see no reason to cultivate a deeper relationship with my friend. I also saw his behavior as a reaction to feeling threatened, whether because he felt he was drinking too much or that he realized that I was rejecting him, or both.

My other friend is the one whom I sensed was trying to “undermine” my sobriety the other night. Turns out, it’s more like, undermine my success and happiness! A clear case of hating on me to make herself feel better. Age-old scenario, but the question I have to ask is, why? What purpose does it serve her? Going back many years, no doubt we shared a LOT of times, good and bad. However, what kept us together was being drinking buddies. I was the one she could call, she has told me, and count on to join her at a moment’s notice for a beer or ten. AND, after many drunken blackouts and rages, she kept me because I was valuable to her self-esteem: me, a deeply “flawed,” fucked up friend who, despite her many awesome qualities, would never show my friend up. She feels better about herself due to my drunken retardedness. Minus the booze? Well, I don’t think she knows what to think or how to react, so she falls back on putting me down, or making me feel not that awesome.

Without the booze, I just can’t fall for it anymore. Plus, I’m a good 3 or 4 years distanced from our intense friendship, and I see much more clearly how deeply she misses the point: my volunteer friends admire and “see” me; my family and other family friends see my deeper side. I hide it from this person, and I think that I always have because I sensed her gaping insecurities — this is a powerful me, one that has a lot to offer, isn’t cynical, doesn’t drink. That sucks, especially when the best of friendships are really about that person always being on your side, seeing your best traits, and making those come out every time you hang out!

Again, my approach has changed, I’ve matured, and I’m ready to simply move the fuck on. I spend so much time dealing with my negativities and my cravings these days that I just can’t get into longwinded melodramas. Like, this friend will go on and on about some guy she thinks might have said or did this or that, possibly with the intent of lying but who knows? Blah blah blah. I really can’t care. I really can’t. It’s too easy to get sucked into this misery-loves-company play for my attention, but really, I don’t love misery! Not anymore! I want out of the cave, not deeper in!

Moving on is sad, especially when you’ve realized that no matter how many GREAT drinking times you’ve had, hilarious and sometimes poignant stories and encounters and dramas, drinking buddies start and end as just that. There are so many other, BETTER connections to be made, ones that yield real stories, real dramas.

(Yet…I cherish this person’s friendship, and it wasn’t just built on drinking. Evolving then, this friendship, and not ending…)