12:45 am
Well, friends, here I am, at 4 weeks. AGAIN. And this time around, I definitely feel like I’ve Worked My Ass Off every single day to get here. I think there is a lot of truth to it being harder and requiring more resolve to get back on that horse…or wagon — especially in early (pre-90 days?) sobriety. (What’s up with the metaphors for sobriety anyway? Do I have to drink all that water in the wagon? Is it safe? Is the horse pulling the water wagon? I want to be ON the horse, then. No, I want to BE the horse. NO! I want to be a unicorn! With sparkly teeth! For sure, my wagon is being pulled by a unicorn! Sorry, been feeling a bit cheeky lately.)
I have a LOT to cover in this post, so I’ll start by yanking my mind back to my 4 weeks. Yes, 4 weeks again. Lots of days in the past 4 weeks I’ve had the “Oh, why NOT?” feeling toward breaking down and drinking. I already fell off, what’s the big deal? It’s not like the world is going to end. I fell off twice and got back on. What has helped is that falling off sucked, I didn’t stop after one glass or even one bottle, and I had terrible (read: angry and confused) blackouts both times. So, the incentive to “try it and see” is no longer there. At least for now, and that’s good enough.
It’s also become quite…boring, actually, getting through the days. The first month of my first attempt at sobriety was like, fireworks (and unicorns! With sparkly teeth!) every night — wow, I got through another day sober! Sound the trumpets! Now, I’m practiced, my cravings are significantly less, and I’ve come a long way in discovering how to be sober again and live within sobriety (like, doing things that need to be done sober, and then doing them the next day and the next day and the next, without the “reward” of wine). The incentive to “beat my record” is not there, simply because my record is longer than 14 or 28 or even 30 days. Finally, when I do reach 60 again, and then that elusive 90, I already know that counting days is not going to be cutting it as the sole reason for staying sober — I have to start accomplishing REAL goals; I have to be building my life and not simply repairing the damage that I’ve done. Does that make sense? Who knows.
I’ve been somewhat manic (not just restless, I’ve discovered) the past few days, and I’m trying to remember, was I always manic? Or, do I just have extra, unfocused energy because I’m newly sober? I was literally buzzing yesterday both during and after my acupuncture treatment, my heart was beating faster, I continue to eat like a horse (and become hungry again hours after I eat), and I can’t really focus. Reading all that I need to read feels difficult because I keep getting ahead of myself. I have all these ideas, dreams and schemes — then again, I always have. I think I’m just EXTRA my “old” self, and I’m not quite used to the physical aspects of being that “old” self AND not having booze in my system to maybe depress or calm it down. I mean, I really cannot remember the last time I was more or less sober AND working/writing/dreaming/traveling/doing. Maybe…my early 20s? And, it’s been years, literally, since I haven’t been probably clinically depressed due to my work, my circumstances, and my drinking.
Anyway, lots to write about and I don’t want to make this post too long. Needless to say, I want to drink want to drink want to drink tonight…but, I won’t. I’ll finish this post, drink my extra-large seltzer, do some back stretches (the burning has subsided, but the knife-stuck-into-lower-back feeling persists), and read. And research Hawaii — my latest (expensive) obsession. And plan tomorrow. 😉
Drunky Drunk Girl 