Drunky drunk girl says, I’m still drunk!

14 Jun

This isn’t a blog about drinking.  I’m not going to list my top ten rock bottoms for you — crashed a car, went to jail, lost my job — in fact, I’ve done all of those already.  This is a blog about a *drinking life* and ultimately, the struggle to let go of that former life in being both a city dweller and woman.  So, a drinking life, then:  drinking and not drinking, getting shitfaced and drinking the promised “two glasses,” blacking out and feeling remorse beyond what even your closest friends/mother can empathize with.  It’s about staying sober *and* staying drunk.

Right now, I’m trying to quit.  For what seems like the millionth time, and which may very well be.  What I hope is that this blog will help both drinkers and their concerned friends alike feel less lonely and less alone in the process.  Because right now — well, for years, actually — I feel pretty much on my own.  Straight-up *alone*.  Dead-solo on this journey that feels like a desert trudge with a long lost beginning and no end in sight.

I woke up today hung over.  And it’s going on oh, about 48 hours or so since I had my “last” drink and I still feel like ass.  My belly is swollen and my liver hurts, which, this morning makes it hard to fit into my interview clothes.  My pants are too tight and my underwire bra is pressed so tightly against my aching liver that it makes me cry.  So now I am crying and I’ve got less than 10 minutes to pull it together and all I can think is, Fuck, I wish to Jesus on the Cross that I hadn’t poured out the last third of that “last” bottle of red that I had stored in the fridge two nights ago when I binge drank.

I also woke up feeling depressed.  Uninterested.  No glee, no glitter, no sparkle.  Just grey.  This, however, is not unusual.  The first few days of sobriety go like this (at least for me):  six hours after waking up from my two-bottles-of-red-induced blackout, I’m still drunk…and will continue to be for the next at least six to 12 hours.  Yes, it normally takes me *12 fucking hours* after my last sip to process the alcohol to the point where I don’t feel drunk.  During this time, I endure a plethora of awesome wine hangover goodness, which I affectionately call “full body gross.”  Lately, and this has made me take pause, I’ve felt rather…anesthetized, I guess is the right word.  I can’t think, can’t do math, can’t really make plans or remember things clearly.  I also sometimes feel depressed to the point of contemplating suicide (it really does seem OK to think that there is nothing to live for and no reason to be alive when I’m having these dark thoughts) and anxious to the point of having a panic attack.  If I’ve said or done something horrible, I’ll feel utterly remorseful for the next, oh, at least 12 to 24 hours, before my mind allows itself to ease up and move on.  Cuz, really, a functioning alcoholic *has* to move on, otherwise she’d be able to say, God damn it, I’ve had enough, when the urge to binge drink strikes again.  And it will.  It always does.

But, on day two, it’s easy not to drink because you’re still hung.  Easy to pass by the hundred bars on every street and think, Nah, I’m *so* over it.  However, I do feel anxious as a result, I guess, of coming off the booze, and instead of letting my mind discover what *likely won’t happen* if I just take a deep breath and wade through, I just want to shut the whole thing down with a drink.

But I’m getting sober, so I won’t, right?  I’ve had enough, haven’t I?  I’m sick of my weakness, sick of others’ judgments and quite frankly, sick of failing in their and my own eyes.  I’z gonna prove all y’all wrong, I think to myself as I go back and forth, amidst the puffs of unwelcome anxiety sneaking up from my stomach to my heart, wondering if I can’t just have *one little glass* to make it go away.

7 Responses to “Drunky drunk girl says, I’m still drunk!”

  1. belowhermeans January 24, 2013 at 6:06 am #

    I’m confused by this post. Did you drink?

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 27, 2013 at 11:43 pm #

      This was my first post, ever, I think… I wrote it after one of my awesome 48-hour hangovers! Nope, still sober. (Meh.) Going on 108 days today!

  2. Annabelle December 2, 2013 at 5:35 pm #

    I just read this first post. I am newly sober (26 days) and always like to read the 1st entry of people’s sober blogs. You have come such a long way. I really enjoy your blog-and hope to someday be as far along as you are. You’re pretty inspiring 🙂

    • Drunky Drunk Girl December 2, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

      Thank you!!! Yes, you will be as far along one day very soon, you got this. xx

  3. christie4503 September 1, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

    Today is my Day 1. Reading this first blog entry of yours sounds just like my current life. I am so glad to know I am not alone – I look forward to reading your other post along my journey. Thanks!!

  4. Natty May 31, 2016 at 12:32 am #

    Day 1 for me. For the 50th time. Sigh.


  1. Eight years as Drunky Drunk Girl | Drunky Drunk Girl - June 15, 2020

    […] the wee hours of June 13) was different from other drunken escapades or hangovers; as I wrote in my first post, and as you hear in the rooms, I had just had it. I was done. I was so tired of avoiding what I […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


One family's journey to longterm recovery from alcoholism


Trying to ace sober living

absorbing peace

my walk away from alcohol


recovery from booze, a shitty father and an eating disorder

Violet Tempest

Dark Urban Fantasy & Gothic Horror

Walking in Sober Boots

Footfalls on a Path of Recovery

Sober Mormon

Navigating life after Mormonism

Ditching the Wine

Getting myself sober; the ups and downs

The Sober Experiment

Start your journey of self discovery

Sober and Well

Live your best life free from alcohol

The Phoenix Files

The Outspoken Opinions of S.M. Phoenix


Filling my Cup with What Matters

winesoakedramblings - the blog of Vickie van Dyke

because the drunken pen writes the sober heart ...

I love my new life!

Changing my life to be the best me. My midlife journey into sobriety, passions and simple living/downshifting.

Sunbeam Sobriety

Just a normal lass from Yorkshire and her journey into happy sobriety


Welcome to my journey to end my addiction to wine!

Without the whine

Exploring the heart of what matters most

Find Your Sober Glow!

5 and a half years sober - inspiring and supporting women to live their best sober life!

New Beginnings

My Journey to Staying Sober.

Sober Yogi

My journey to wholeness


A sobriety blog started in 2019

A Spiritual Evolution

Alcoholism recovery in light of a Near Death Experience

No Wine I'm Fine

An alcoholfree journey in New Zealand with a twist


I am a retired teacher who quit drinking and found happiness! After going deaf, I now have two cochlear implants!

Life Beyond Booze

The joys, benefits and challenges of living alcohol free


In reality I was barely functioning at all - life begins with sobriety.

Mental Health @ Home

A safe place to talk openly about mental health & illness

Faded Jeans Living

By Dwight Hyde

Moderately Sober

Finding my contented self the sober way

Sober Courage

from liquid courage to sober courage

Musings Of A Crazy Cat Lady

The personal and professional ramblings of a supposedly middle aged crazy cat lady

Life in the Hot Lane

The Bumpy Road of Life as a Woman 45+

Wake up!

Operation Get A Life


A psychiatrist blogging about her own demons and trying to deal with them sober

Storm in a Wine Glass

I used to drink and now I don't


I got sober. Life got big.

Laura Parrott Perry

We've all got a story to tell.

Finding a Sober Miracle

A woman's quest for one year of sobriety

Dorothy Recovers

An evolving tale of a new life in recovery

Lose 'da Booze

MY Journey towards Losing 'da Booze Voice within and regaining self-control

Life Out of the Box

Buy a product, help a person in need + see your impact.

Laurie Works

MA., NCC, RYT, Somatic Witch

Drunky Drunk Girl

A blog about getting sober

The Soberist Blog

a life in progress ... sans alcohol


Getting sober to be a better mother, wife, and friend


the musings and reflections of one person's mental amusement park


-Postcards from The Cauldron

Guitars and Life

Blog about life by a music obsessed middle aged recovering alcoholic from South East England

%d bloggers like this: