1:23 am
Yup, that about sums it up. And, man, after the past few days of feeling frustrated and glum, it’s really hard not to say, Aww, come on, now, just one little glass of wine. You DESERVE it…
Sigh. I wish it were that simple, but it’s not. And that’s the most frustrating part. I want the quick fix. Bad feelings be gone! Dark moods/thoughts exit my brain! Please, just let me be. Instead, it’s constant, a permanent buzz. Last night, my brain took a nosedive into dark terre — this place that feels VERY bleak, empty, and motionless. It’s like my brain is being held under water in a dark pool, like every part has been switched off except the brainstem. I feel so lethargic, and depressed. There is nothing to do and no reason or rationale to do it. Life is pointless, and even if there is a fucking point, I won’t be told what it is or I am incapable of knowing. Sure, I could assume that I know — meditation, yoga — but really, isn’t that just a way to manipulate your mind and body into a state of calm embrace of the mystery instead of this screaming, abject horror at the absurdity?
Yeah, it’s DEFINITELY one of the reasons I drank, episodes like this. Lately, in the past many years, I’d turn to wine to deal. This time, I finally forced myself to wait it out. After, oh, about an hour, the worst of it had passed. I felt like I could breathe on my own again, and my mind started to open up, my pupils dilating enough to let in some light.
I’m glad I made it through that. However, I’m getting tired of it. Tired of having to simply fight the mind, day in and day out. It’s why I drank, and I’m not sure if it’s normal to feel this way, on varying levels, all day every day. But, I’ve had much worse depression/depressive episodes in my life, so I’d say it’s one, life in general, two, sobriety, or three, the daily grind of dealing quietly with my mood swings that is simply Getting To Me. I’d LOVE to take my brain out of my head and dunk it in a vat of red wine! Don’t even need or want to feel drunk, just want this anguish, I guess, to go away. At least for a little while. 😦
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Hi there. Stumbled onto your blog after googling “going to friend’s wedding sober” (that fun event is coming up for me in a few weeks. I’m at 9 days today after my zilliondy night of blacking out, scaring the BF, and as an added bonus, drunk calling my Mom and scaring the shit out of her at 4:00 a.m. Awesome. Feeling good about being sober, but also overwhelmed… Your blog is helping!) You hang in there, Lady. I hope this is just a blip and tomorrow will look/feel better. Chin up, you have a fan rooting for you here in Chicago!
Hi, Chicago!
Thanks SO MUCH for reading and your comment — 9 days is awesome! And, it sounds like you have some good incentives to not keep drinking (I like “not drinking” to “sober.”). You SHOULD feel great about being sober for 9 days, and it IS hard. I totally had a horrible night two Xmas’s ago when I blacked out in front of my mom and uncle, and they ended up having to get me home and my mom, staying up all night with me to make sure I didn’t stop breathing. THAT sucked, so believe me, you’re not alone in accidentally bringing the family in! Stay strong, it will get easier and less overwhelming…most of the time anyway. 😉
Your head reminds me of mine. Running works for me when I get in that state, but I always think of wine first. It’s damn annoying…thanks for articulating your thoughts so well, really liked your post.