9:04 pm
Nope, I didn’t cave and drink that bottle of red I bought yesterday afternoon. I hope to hold onto it like I did the last bottle I bought — on the top shelf of someone else’s wine rack, ready to uncork and serve…to someone else, some other day when I’m long gone from this housesitting gig.
I feel pretty good about it. Mostly that has to do with me making choices, and sticking with them. A not insignificant part of it, I must admit, has to do with being able to have and savor the moment when I tell my friends and family, Nope, bitches, I haven’t had a drink in 90 days. 180 days. 360 days.
(And, why do I care so god damned much what other people think? Do I even know what they think, or am I just assuming? I mean, I’d say that the people closest to me — my handful of friends who have literally saved me from accidentally killing myself while shitfaced, my family members (both brothers, mom, dad, and uncle…and some cousins, I’m sure) who have seen me black out and get crazy confused and belligerent on their asses — I’d say that all of these people would be nothing but happy, relieved, proud that I’ve quit. It’s the one or two or four assholes in my life who have taken a blackout and held it against me for years, or unfriended me, or treat me like a piece of shit whenever we hang out (but do it quietly, of course) cuz they know they’ve got an upper hand on me; it’s these people whom I dwell on and let piss me the fuck off. Why? What is wrong with me that at my age, I can’t just LET IT GO. Good riddance, and btw, I’m happier now, I’ve moved on, I’m no longer in that place, and I hope to God(dess) that you’ve got something better going on in your lives, too. Though, the vindictive bitch in me, I’ll admit it, hopes that they’re sad and stuck and haven’t moved on! Anyhoo…Jesus. Hello, rambling, negative thoughts! I don’t care, though; these torrents of thoughts are what make me drink, but also what make me able to have decent conversations with good, open, curious people.)
The problem I have now is, how to go out and not drink? Like, sure, I’ve gone out and even gone to a wedding without having drunk, but it wasn’t like, Woo hoo, I’m GOING OUT! It was more of a grit-my-teeth-and-pretend-to-smile affair, at least that’s how it felt to me. I want to WANT to go out and not drink. Not care about it. I need to learn how to be social without the “fun” that booze promises. In fact, and I’m not seeing this go away with sobriety and improved mood on my part, I really have ZERO desire to socialize, meet new people, hear their stories. Maybe I’m too old for the “fun and games” of your 20s and 30s (I’m 38), maybe I’m a burned out journalist (one of the hazards of that profession is eventually coming to treat people like commodities, and getting tired, oh, so tired, of listening to their stories), maybe I erroneously equate “relating” to drunken babbling over the top of a bar, so I’m turned off by it. Really, I’d rather stay home. And, it’s not totally because I don’t want to go out and not be able to drink. I gotta fix that. Or do I? Hmm…
I have to constantly remind myself that drinking that bottle of red IS NOT A REWARD; that’s the booze-fiend in my head talking. Drinking that bottle of red out at a bar doesn’t make the conversation more interesting to anyone but YOU; that’s the social anxiety drama queen in my head whining. I don’t need to drink to socialize, and/or sit at bars, and I know I can do it. What if…I just embrace and accept that my drink of choice will be a decaf iced coffee? The rest I’m going to have to confront — why I don’t want to meet new people, why I want to delve into myself most of the time these days, reading, writing, yoga, meditation, long walks alone — but I can do it on my own time, I guess…
Btw, thanks to one and all — and especially my friends online who commented last night — for giving me that extra reason/incentive to NOT imbibe last night. I hate to say it, but I might try and find an AA meeting soon and give it a chance…
(All that being said, I still want to drink and I’m still mulling that bottle over… Sigh. 57 days and 21 hours…)
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I am SO HAPPY you didn’t drink it.
I relate to a lot of what you said in this post. I know that feeling of wanting to go out and drink because that’s the point of going out! That being said removing alcohol from social situations, while can be awkward or make me a little bit anxious, also removes so much other shit. Worrying about how stupidly drunk I’m gonna get, what idiotic things I’m going to say and do, and then how I’m gonna deal with all of it in the morning.
When you’re ready to try socializing without it, you might be surprised at how you feel about it. And yes, maybe think about AA because meeting people who socialize all the time without booze has been so great.
Have a good night and don’t drink, emmkay?
Thanks, Porkchop! Your support means a lot!
I have, actually, had a lot more fun going out and staying sober — nice to remember the conversations! At this point, I’m clinging to the stability/predictability of nights out, if I do go out, and being sober. Like, I can’t imagine risking a blackout again at a bar. I’m so over it.
All that being said, I still don’t have much desire to go out and socialize without drinking, though. Maybe I’ll come ’round in the next few weeks…?
Thanks again… Love your blog, btw!
Give it time. You don’t have to be in any rush to go out and socialize. Just learn to hang out with yourself first, you know?
And thanks for reading my blog.
I feel lucky to be a voice of support for you!
Toss the bottle! I cleared my fridge out the other day, set a 6 pack of beer and a bottle of wine near the recycle bin… Couldn’t bear to dump it out, but getting it out of my apt. felt like a big relief. Your thoughts re: AA are really interesting to me. I’m not in AA yet, not sure if I need it either, but also petrified of going back to my mess of a life while drinking.
By the way, thanks for your comment to my comment Wed. Helps to know I’m not the only a-hole to bring my family into the blackout vortex. Even better, my Mom (who I called at 4 am is) 25 years sober, and an interventionist/drug and alcohol counselor. How ’bout them apples?
Hang in there, and congrats on 57 days! Holy shit, that’s almost 60! Awesome.
-Chicago
Hi, Chicago!
🙂 I used to live in Chitown, so love the “nickname!” I also enjoy your writing style and voice.
I haven’t tossed the bottle yet, and I know that means I’m still using it for a crutch of some kind. I like to take it out, stroke it a while, let the condensation run down my fingertips, roll the wine around a bit, and then put it back, letting its gleam hit my eye before I close the mini-fridge door. God, I’m pathetic. 😉
Blackout vortex, indeed. I should write a few posts on these, cuz they’ve been the hell/bain of my drinking life and also a very, very curious/interesting phenomenon to me. My blackout with my mom involved her sitting up with me ALL night, making sure I didn’t stop breathing. It was horrible, but I hate to say it, I’ve had MUCH worse blackout nights. At least I was with someone safe, who would for sure make sure I was OK, and who wouldn’t judge me the next day (but could let me know what I did on a minute-by-minute recount).
Yup, 59 as of midnight tonight! Woot! I have much more resolve, now that I have online friends to report back to. And, honestly, I think that might be the sticking point of AA. I’ve been to some really good meetings in NYC, and I think give me a few more months and I might be willing to join the fray again…
Stay strong yourself! How many days do you have so far?
I’m glad you didn’t drink too. I’ve gone out several times where others were drinking, and I actually found myself MORE involved in the conversation and not in some swirly buzz of conversation where i’m not there enough to actually take it in. It does happen. It’s just a mindset. I KNOW that I can’t ever drink again, and i’ve accepted that. For me personally, it will ruin my life. and quickly. I already lost an engagement over it, I refuse to lose anything else.
You’ll get there. Check out AA. See if it works for you.
Yes, so true! I was so happy to have been totally present the entire weekend of my friend’s wedding in Seattle. Like, I remember every moment, all the food, the conversations and interactions. Sure, it got a bit awks, and by the end of it, I was tired of sitting around at bars and drinking Diet Coke and/or water and/or seltzer (we must have gone to like, six bars over the course of a day and a half!), but I was really happy to have experienced that sober. I’ve been out, too, with friends on nights we decided to stay sober (few and far between, but we did do it once in a while), and we’d always have more of a blast than when we went out and got sloppy and shitty.
I’ve lost a lot, too, actually, and I think I need to revisit these things in order to remain…humbled. Like, friends, boyfriends, jobs, cars, bones (broke my arm), honesty, self-respect, etc. etc. etc.
Yup, AA is on my horizon…
Thanks so much for your support! Keep up the great (and colorful!) blog…