12:45 am
Well, friends, here I am, at 4 weeks. AGAIN. And this time around, I definitely feel like I’ve Worked My Ass Off every single day to get here. I think there is a lot of truth to it being harder and requiring more resolve to get back on that horse…or wagon — especially in early (pre-90 days?) sobriety. (What’s up with the metaphors for sobriety anyway? Do I have to drink all that water in the wagon? Is it safe? Is the horse pulling the water wagon? I want to be ON the horse, then. No, I want to BE the horse. NO! I want to be a unicorn! With sparkly teeth! For sure, my wagon is being pulled by a unicorn! Sorry, been feeling a bit cheeky lately.)
I have a LOT to cover in this post, so I’ll start by yanking my mind back to my 4 weeks. Yes, 4 weeks again. Lots of days in the past 4 weeks I’ve had the “Oh, why NOT?” feeling toward breaking down and drinking. I already fell off, what’s the big deal? It’s not like the world is going to end. I fell off twice and got back on. What has helped is that falling off sucked, I didn’t stop after one glass or even one bottle, and I had terrible (read: angry and confused) blackouts both times. So, the incentive to “try it and see” is no longer there. At least for now, and that’s good enough.
It’s also become quite…boring, actually, getting through the days. The first month of my first attempt at sobriety was like, fireworks (and unicorns! With sparkly teeth!) every night — wow, I got through another day sober! Sound the trumpets! Now, I’m practiced, my cravings are significantly less, and I’ve come a long way in discovering how to be sober again and live within sobriety (like, doing things that need to be done sober, and then doing them the next day and the next day and the next, without the “reward” of wine). The incentive to “beat my record” is not there, simply because my record is longer than 14 or 28 or even 30 days. Finally, when I do reach 60 again, and then that elusive 90, I already know that counting days is not going to be cutting it as the sole reason for staying sober — I have to start accomplishing REAL goals; I have to be building my life and not simply repairing the damage that I’ve done. Does that make sense? Who knows.
I’ve been somewhat manic (not just restless, I’ve discovered) the past few days, and I’m trying to remember, was I always manic? Or, do I just have extra, unfocused energy because I’m newly sober? I was literally buzzing yesterday both during and after my acupuncture treatment, my heart was beating faster, I continue to eat like a horse (and become hungry again hours after I eat), and I can’t really focus. Reading all that I need to read feels difficult because I keep getting ahead of myself. I have all these ideas, dreams and schemes — then again, I always have. I think I’m just EXTRA my “old” self, and I’m not quite used to the physical aspects of being that “old” self AND not having booze in my system to maybe depress or calm it down. I mean, I really cannot remember the last time I was more or less sober AND working/writing/dreaming/traveling/doing. Maybe…my early 20s? And, it’s been years, literally, since I haven’t been probably clinically depressed due to my work, my circumstances, and my drinking.
Anyway, lots to write about and I don’t want to make this post too long. Needless to say, I want to drink want to drink want to drink tonight…but, I won’t. I’ll finish this post, drink my extra-large seltzer, do some back stretches (the burning has subsided, but the knife-stuck-into-lower-back feeling persists), and read. And research Hawaii — my latest (expensive) obsession. And plan tomorrow. 😉
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Hooray for (another) 28 Days! You are awesome lady. Your recap of the relapse stuff is helpful to me (and I’m sure others) because in early days, I think we all play the “what if I try this just one more time?” game in our heads. Hearing that you went immediately back to blackout land (another term my friends and I have used for blackouts is “shadow time”) tells me what I already know…. It would be the exact same for me. Shitty to acknowledge it and face reality, but it’s true. So once again, thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
Hahaha. Shadow time. I love it! (If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry, right?) I think everyone has to make peace with the “one last time” time. For me, it took (and probably will take) several to acknowledge that it just ain’t happenin’ anymore.
Don’t forget, you can lead a horse (even a unicorn) to water, but you can’t make it drink. Ha!
It’s nice to see you up. You’re probably right. It’s probably a combo of extra energy from no boozy sedative in your system, you’re probably kicking those toxins out, could be some benefit from acupuncture, maybe some happy pink clouds, maybe some extra you feelings-if you tended toward ups & downs before, you’ll have them again, you’ll just be FEELING it all… That’s why I say it’s quite a ride!
Congrats on your 28 (29) days! There’s no reason you ever have to go through all that pain of quitting ever again.
Try shifting your thoughts from “I’m bored” to “I’m reflective.” and turn it into meditation time or a practice of sitting with your own thoughts. That 30 minutes of boredom? You will never have that time again. It’s done and gone. You are 30 minutes closer to the end. How do you want to spend each moment knowing you will never get the moment back? Just little thoughts that help me stay present and grateful and productive. Have a great day today!
Great thoughts on being bored! I’ve been trying that, and it’s helped. I go from being very up to being very blah. Or, having a finite amount of energy/tolerance (for simple things, even, like shopping for clothes) and when I’m done, I’m done. But that doesn’t mean my MIND is tired (or my body). Thanks for all your encouragement!!
Good going on the 28 days, DDG! Keep at it!
I think it takes awhile to know who we are sober. The alcohol’s out of your bloodstream, but you haven’t really healed from the effects of it yet. It’s a neurotoxin, after all (among other things), so all those neurotransmitters that affect mood, energy, etc., have to readjust. Just sayin’…you gotta be patient with yourself and the process.
Check out the “Stages of Abstinence” piece that was posted on “Letting Go.” (Sorry–don’t know how to link in a comment.) It’s pretty good on what to expect at different points in early sobriety.
Here ya go, this should get you there:
http://louisey.wordpress.com/2012/09/06/phases-of-life-passing/#comments
Got the link, thanks! You’re right, it does take time to fix what’s been really messed up for a LONG time! Patience is not my strong suit, I must admit. 😉
Omg, this post is me too. It makes me extra grateful that I’m trying to expand my blog world. Can’t wait to read through ALL of your posts!
Hi,
Thanks! I’ve been keeping up with your blog, and not sure if I commented, but some of your posts hit the nail on my head, too! I can totally relate. I can also totally relate to “giving it a try,” being sober. I never made it a month; the longest I got was 2 weeks. I think committing to it when you’re ready – it sounds like you could be – is key. It’ll happen when you want, and only cuz you want. I’m cheering for you over here!