5: 26 pm
It’s always going to be unfinished business with certain people.
I have to call my brother tonight; we’ve had very little contact since “the incident” over New Year’s. I totally let out my rage on and against his girlfriend (gf) — unfortunately, it was mostly true. They hold grudges and are in, what I would call, an emotionally co-dependent and (on her part) psychologically abusive relationship. Getting her to forgive and forget is not an option. The last time I called him — or, did he call me? Yes, he called me back — he called me from OUTSIDE a store, in the parking lot. Once his gf got back into the truck and closed the door (yes, he told me that she was sitting in the truck with the door closed), he had to go.
I have to keep calling him, but I honestly don’t want to. Tonight, I will get up the courage to confront him and say, What do you want me to do? I can send a card. I have no idea what to say, how to keep saying, I’m sorry for calling your gf all those things, and I’m doubly sorry I did because both you and I know they’re the truth. I HAVE said I’m sorry, egregiously, to him; I was afraid to make direct contact with her because the way we left it. She refused to see me the morning I left, so it was just my brother and I who talked. THAT was a hard, horrible talk. The whole nightmarish weekend will go down as probably my worst, most insane, most confusing — do I really hate his gf that much? I didn’t think so — blackout on record.
Still. THEY have to learn to forgive, forget, stop holding grudges, and move on, too. They also have a long way to go in terms of HER getting help for her mental problems and personality disorder and HIM learning how to say no, stand up for himself and those he cares about, think for himself, and stop the abuse. I can’t do that, and I definitely don’t want to. BUT, even still, I feel like it’s my fault that she triggered me so horribly, and she’s definitely put the full weight of the blame on me. That is unfair, but that’s why she’s the psychologically abusive partner in that relationship. She acts like a 14-year-old girl, and while yes, I get that she’s the victim of years of abuse and trama on her end, there comes a point — 42 years old, is she? — where one has to say, OK, I choose to engage on a mature, rational level with others and acknowledge what’s going on WITH ME, and not what the world is DOING TO ME. Hard to explain this woman, but let’s just say, no one in my family can really deal with her without booze, let alone with.
It all just makes for sucky Sunday, which is the day I usually reserve for calling family. Ugh. And no, I don’t want to drink. I just want to be able to go along with my days, staying sober, feeling good about that, and not have to feel guilty every single time — still guilty, guilty forever — I think about calling my brother.
I wonder, how much does unfinished business affect us on a subconscious level?
Drunky Drunk Girl 
This part of the process is so hard. In my new found AA world, I’m learning so much about acceptance and allowing the people I hurt to forgive (or not) at their own speed. This is very hard because, like most alcoholics, I want what I want when I want it. But there is something very simple, real, and peaceful about getting it in my head that I can’t really control how others see me or whether they want to forgive me after I have made a sincere apology. Good luck to you with this. You are trying hard and you really do deserve forgiveness, but I hope you can find peace inside regardless of what the nutball girlfriend says/does.
Thanks once again for making me feel less like a loser! 😉 That’s really good to keep in mind, to just let people forgive (and forget?) at their own speed. Hmm…simple, real, and peaceful? That sounds awesome. I definitely have spent a lot of my life worrying about what people think of me, my choices, my work…and now, wondering and worrying if they’ve truly forgiven me for my blackout nonsense. BUT, like you said, you can’t control it, you really can’t do much more than offer a sincere apology and then move along. (Btw, I just checked the nutball’s Facebook page, and yup, she’s still a nutball. SO, truth be told, I think I’m going to simply Stop Worrying about what she — of ALL people — thinks.) xx