2:31 pm
For real. The only good that can come of falling off (where art thou, sparkle-toothed unicorn?) the wagon A THIRD TIME is so that you, my dear readers and friends, don’t have to.
DON’T GO THERE. DRINKING SOLVES NOTHING. IT IS A TRICK OF THE MIND. IT IS A WASTE OF TIME. YOU DON’T NEED IT AND IT TASTES LIKE MOUTHWASH.
I think I just felt overwhelmed by my cravings, the voice in my head, and the resisting. I felt tired of resisting. So, I hurriedly uncorked a bottle and drank it. All of it. I was barely remembering things (didn’t take much, which is scary — what is wrong with my brain if it only takes three (huge) glasses of red wine to black me out?) when I ran (literally, I’m guessing) to the corner store to buy another. I did not finish that one, mainly because I must have passed out. I don’t remember.
Ahh. LOVELY hangover. Yes, I remember this feeling. Oh, yes. Drinking two Diet Cokes and weeping about my upcoming death. I remember this feeling. Stumbling around, finding a demolished pair of (expensive) glasses on the floor, checking my wallet to make sure that nothing’s missing, seeing wine stains on my floor and table. Yes, I remember this! Crawling to the bathroom only to heave myself back to bed. Yes. Ringing bells? Oh, yes. Crouching over my stove as I make ramen, forcing it down because I know I need something in there but nothing fills the hole and nothing will the entire day. Check. Crying some more and whining and wailing on the phone to my boyfriend who, thankfully, thinks nothing less of me and even thinks I deserve better. Yup. MISSING my fucking deadline because I can barely think, let alone write what I need to write. Done and done.
Do you remember that feeling? Is it coming back? Oh, yes.
I don’t even care about the fact that I missed my second 5 weeks (would have been 35 days today) again. What bothers me most is that my brain is simply depressed — not even sad, just void of feeling or thoughts. And, all I want is for the day — and hangover — to be over with. Waiting it out is all and will be all I’ll be doing today.
Wow, drinking really fucks up my mental landscape. What was a lovely painting with serene (pink) clouds has now become a grey wash of confusion, suicidal ideation, and nonsense. ? WTF, drinking?
(And, why do I have a memory of the corner store owner standing next to me, helping me pick out my wine? Was I standing there, in my druken stupor, unable to do it myself? Or, was he just being friendly and helpful? NO IDEA.)
Key points of this latest round?
I realize now that I don’t need to go it alone, that I DO NEED HELP, and that I need to ask for it.
I realize now that I shouldn’t isolate myself to the point of mental breakdown.
I realize now that what I wanted last night was escape — from the obsession to drink, I think, more than the overwhelming thoughts and feelings about life and people, in general.
I realize now that I USE WINE to escape and that one, I need new coping mechanisms, two, wine is my vehicle/tool, and three, there really shouldn’t be anything to “escape from,” if I’m doing it right.
I need help. But first, I need to get through this hangover.
Readers, if you’re thinking of falling off, just come here and read this. I have done it for you so that you don’t have to! It’s like riding a bike — no, it’s like falling off. It hurts every time and the feeling is never different! FUCK THAT BIKE! STAY ON THE WAGON.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Oh girl. I hear you and I have been there. I am so sorry you are here today. But, you are just like the rest of us. We are no different. Why do we do these things over and over again? Because we are alcoholics and our minds do not work like regular folk. It took me over 40 days of trying to do it on my own before I finally walked into AA. Now I don’t know what took me so long or why I resisted it. Obviously I wasn’t ready. Maybe you haven’t been ready yet either? Maybe it’s not your answer, but it is ALWAYS an option when you feel desperate, hopeless, or ready to try it another way. Hang in there. You will get through today. And if you make it through today without drinking, which you can, you will have another day under your belt.
Totally. I just HATE HATE HATE being hung over. It’s so not worth it. I feel more depressed than usual, or maybe it’s just that I’m not used to being hung over anymore. Anyway, yes, I think I will give AA a real try — I don’t think I am/was ready to admit I have a problem, to ask for help, to give up my sense of control. It’s all there, I just need to embrace the change in mentality and not waste anymore time. Thanks for being there, I really appreciate it. xx
We are all in this together and I firmly believe that I am doing better only because of AA and this whole “higher power” deal. Believe me, I am/was a hard-ass, “I can take care of myself”, I don’t need anybody, I can “fix” myself type too. Until I was desperate and couldn’t think myself out of feeling like the biggest, most anxious piece of shit this side of the nut house. And thank God AA was there. You do not have to do it alone.
Well said. Love it 🙂 Thank you
I’m thinking of you and sending you resolve and courage.
I can’t believe how similar our experiences are and I really appreciate this post. I hope it made you feel better to write it. If you’re interested, you might take a look at SMART recovery. I’m taking baby steps with it and slowly, slowly heading towards an IRL meeting, although the online ones have been motivating.
– (((hugs))), Suzy
Thanks, I will look into that. At this point, I don’t think I can “solve” or “fix” the obsessing on my own. It just isn’t going away. I might pretend/trick msyelf into believing it is, but last night proved to me that I am still thinking that I can (and will) drink “normally.” And you know what? It wasn’t even fun. The wine tasted like mouthwash (literally — maybe I just buy cheap wine!), I talked and talked to someone who’s not even a good friend about who knows what (loose lips is annoying to me now, for some reason, I don’t WANT people to know things that I don’t want them to know, y’know?), and the “high” wasn’t focused or even what I would call good. And, I’m stuck with a hangover, late work, and a general feeling of shiteousness about life. Whatever I was trying to fix didn’t work! Thanks for reading and I am rooting for you! We can do it. xx
yeah, no…it’s not fun anymore. and alcohol is not fixing anything. in my younger days, it helped me to ignore stuff…but that’s not working anymore either. everything is still there the next day, and now that I’m becoming wiser and smarter, I can’t ignore it like I used to.
I want to tell you I am praying for you. I have been there as well, many times. I relate to your post. Thank you for your words, and know you are not alone. I love the comments above as well. We have to truly want sobriety in order to stay sober & find peace. Don’t be too hard on yourself, just get back up, dust yourself off & believe you can do it.(((((HUGS))))) to you.
Hi,
Thank you so much. The more I move along in this process, the more I realize how key it is to have the support — hugs, smiles, prayers, whatever — of people who are like me, who have the same problem with booze! Last night I ended up at a meeting — it found me, basically. AND, for the first time I realized that I am not alone in the struggle to not cave into the cravings, and IF I really want to be sober, then having that additional support at my side is bound to get me through those cravings. Others have won, why can’t I do it, too? MAJOR HUGS right back your way. Thanks for your comment!
holy christ this sounds grim. poor you! i do know what the obsessing is like, though. and i’ve nearly consumed myself just to get it to shut the fuck up. i’ve been able to hide in bed (thus far) when it gets really bad, and thankfully the mornings always look better. what is it about obsessing at night? there’s like a witching hour (wolf-ing hour) from 7 pm to 9 pm. if i make it to 9 pm, i know i’m home-free… i had one of those lows this week, but decided to wait to relapse on day 90 (7 days later) and then the next morning i was fine again … hugs to you, sorry you’re feeling crummy, sorry you have to go through this. sorry wine tastes like mouthwash. i will read this post again when i feel a low coming on … you probably will, too 😦
Haha. I love people who use Holy Christ. Jesus on the Cross, that sounds grim, works for me, too. IT WAS. My shiteous hangovers date all the way back to 2005 — I remember the exact moment when I was like, UM, OK, this is not “normal” to be feeling this way after drinking. Yup, same thing for me, the hours between about 5 and 10 are really tough. But, the alternate to not giving in — especially and actually probably because you’re feeling shitty — is MY POST. LOL I can laugh now, but…man, yesterday was long and rough. Today, though, is a new day, and a new resolve. Thanks for being there, again. And nah, it’s just not worth it. And, YAH, the shit tasted like grape-flavored Listerine. So, of course I drank more to cover that realization up/turn it off. Sigh. ME. (Btw, I went to a meeting last night, and it gave me yet more new insight into what I always do, which is think something is one way and it turns out that I’ve totally misunderstood it, or was plain wrong. The good of being a scientist is I can really see the advantage of embracing my errors! Will blog about that soon.) xx
“When you know better, you do better” said Maya Angelou.
All you can do is dust yourself off and get back up honey. Learn from it. Sounds like you are doing just that.
Hey, talk/write with Susan at Recovering Life about some recovery group options in your area. I know you and I talked very briefly about AA, but I know there are some other group options too out your way if you need.
This link was very helpful to me before I went to my first AA meeting:
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/First_AA_Meeting.html
Thank you for your honesty and courage to put this out there. That’s a big deal and something you probably wouldn’t have done six months ago, right? You’ve come a long way and you’ve learned a lot. Those are good things. xx
Thanks, RoS! Yes, I have learned a lot, and the more I write about it, the easier it gets. Some things don’t seem all that horrible — or unique to my experience — anymore. I actually went to an AA meeting last night, and it was great. I’m definitely considering settling in, giving it a go, and doing the steps. Why not? Anyway, thanks for thinking of me… xx
I identified when you spoke about drinking just to get rid of the craving. Thankfully the obsession has been lifted for me for today, but it still happens with eating disorder stuff.
A craving is like, as a gentleman in my AA meeting says, “Having diarrhea and using your will power not to run to the toilet.” That’s why so many times I would use just to pop the ever expanding balloon of the urge. Only of course to lie in the splattered misery. Sometimes it takes a miracle.
I hope you are feeling better.
xo
Hmm…I’m not quite sure I get the analogy, but OK. I don’t really know what to use; if not my willpower, then what? What else is there to stop ME from beating up ME? I don’t get it, and maybe that’s why I don’t get AA yet.
Thank you for thinking of me and your comment. I hope the urge for you never comes back! I am feeling better, and thank you…
Holy crap..I could not stop laughing..I guess It really hit a nerve when I looked beside my laptop at the spillt wine from last night..and the pan on the stove from the ramen I made only so I would have something easy to throw up..lol It had almost been a month that I hadnt drank..I wish I would of had some will power last night..By the way more expensive wine does not mean less of a hangover! lol I feel your pain and I to need to stop using wine as an escape and excuse to talk to strangers online..lol
Haha. It’s so good to laugh at ourselves! Yes, wine is bad, all bad all the time. At least for me. Throwing up sucks, though, and spilling wine on your hard drive sucks even more, so willpower or not, we have to stop doing it to ourselves! That $30 of wine becomes a $300 hard drive swap, y’know? WE CAN DO IT! x
I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I love reading past notes where bloggers are at the start of sobriety ( like me). I didn’t have an urge today but reading your blog reminded me that when my booze brain tells me, “You’re fine. You can drink, you’re better now!” I know its a huge lie. I can’t pick it up again.
This post does not have a date, irrespective, hope you are still on the wagon. Someone thinking about that drink.
Hey DDG, I just started reading your blog cuz I can’t get myself to go to AA. Figured reading recovery blogs might work at least for now. Anyway not sure if you’re still writing since this was years ago. I’ll keep reading your blog and find out I guess ☺️
I could have predicted your latest relapse. The things you were saying the previous day or two about not feeling the need to drink until blackout drunk was some serious red flags….false confidence (is that the right term??). Hopefully I’ll be able to see those red flags in myself someday hahaha probably not but who knows. Today is 5 days for me so I’m right there with you. Looking forward to continuing on your journey though this blog even if this all happened years ago.
Great to have you here! Yes, still writing, but not as often–not lacking in subject matter, just time. Five days is awesome–keep going!