1:35 am
OK. Another thing to NOT BUY. I eat ice cream JUST like I drink: in a feeding frenzy. What, am I going to starve sometime between now and when I wake up? Jesus! I finally get rid of my wine gut (well, it was going going gone before this stupid hamstring thing that has turned me into that “ma’am who walks while eating an apple”) only to replace it with a Haagen-Dazs gut?
Le sigh.
Must calm down. Must not eat to the point where I feel ill. But, damn, was it good. There is something called “too good,” though. Too damn good. And, why is Haagen-Dazs so much better than my beloved Ben & Jerry’s? Sorry, Ben. Sorry, Jerry. You lose.
And, it was coffee ice cream, so I’m up. UP! Oh, Sparkle Tooth? Uh, nope, she’s long gone to bed. At least she’s sleeping safely, under her weeping willow, knowing that her owner is not going to wig out because she sucked down eight glasses of wine tonight.
This is the hour, too, when I loved starting a bottle of red. Perfect time to wind down, be alone, day done, sipping a glass of red. Whiiiiiich always, ALWAYS was absolute bullshit, mainly because I knew I’d be finishing the whole thing, wanting a second and then having to either deal with the disappointment or huff to whatever crackhead store was open at 2 am and buy the Worst Wine on the Planet…that I would so totally drink anyway.
That gnarly motherfucker of a hangover is still fresh in my mind, so I’m going to say, honestly, that I’m SO glad to not be pouring wine down my throat. And, tomorrow I will start again, trying to revise my diet (I have become somewhat addicted/dependent on Diet Coke, and this is NO good; I crave sweets, and my eating is…off, no other way to explain it), hopefully going for a run if the back and leg feel up to it (btw, they feel SO MUCH BETTER, verging on a manageable pain, all thanks to acupuncture), and finishing my final move stuff. I am losing steam; this summer was a trip, having packed up ONCE back in June, moved and shipped to [cold east coast city] for 6 weeks, went to the [beautiful island where I now live], and now…back here. I have two boxes I’m going to ship to said island, and the rest I’m either selling for way cheap or giving away on Craigslist. So, yes, that’s my day.
Oof, feeling ill. See? When I eat a whole pint of ice cream, I feel ill. So, I don’t do it often. It registers in my brain. The way I eat it, when I’m feeling all “grasp-y,” is the problem. But, with wine, it seems (seemed?) that no matter how many mind-bending hangovers I have, no matter how many times I black out and do stupid shit like, ruin a pair of favorite (and expensive: I checked today and the same frame is going to cost me $244 — I managed to snap them in half across the bridge and tear off one of the sides, but the lenses don’t have a scratch) glasses, it doesn’t seem to sink in. Well, maybe a little. Well, maybe a lot.
I like being sober. I am going to bed sober, and it feels like…a relief. I can predict, I can rely on, I can take solace in tomorrow, and in those nights and days of practice this summer that have led me to KNOW that drinking does not fill time, it empties it.
And, outside my window, I hear a party going on, people talking a lot of bullshit against the backdrop of sirens and a dark early morning hour. (Also, the smell of long overdone charcoal, which is just…eww.) And you know what? It’s the last place I want to be. The very, absolute last.
Good night, beautiful Sparkle Tooth (my unicorn, with sparkly teeth, who is pulling my water wagon and sometimes lets me ride on her back…in case you’re wondering).
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Tomorrow, tomorrow will be a better day. You are going to beat this you know! Every time you pick yourself up, ever time you don’t say to hell with it! you are stronger than you were last time. Tomorrow will be a better, stronger and even a magic unicorn day. Cheers Paul.
i know what you mean about binging on other things in the picture now that alcohol is out of it. It’s been a process for me to decide which of these things pose a problem (lack of sleep is the tamest) and which are OK (i let myself go with coffee and Coke Zero, for the moment). Also, someone told me once after i remarked i was eating a lot more sweets in sobriety, that my body is craving the sugar it used to get in the booze, so that may be part of the attraction to the HD. PS,thanks for swearing! My favorite people in the rooms are the ones who fucking swear!
HAHA. You should see me when I rant and rave while drunk! LOL I love swearing, too! Ahh, the “Zero.” I like Diet Coke better, actually, but it’s wearing on me. And yes, I’ve definitely gotten my sweet tooth back initially after stopping downing two bottles of wine a night. I get what you’re saying on replacement “addictions,” but for me, there definitely is a fine line between “binging” on any other kind of food (I used to binge eat, back in my late teens/early 20s) in place of pouring wine down my throat. What is it about eating and drinking? Anyway, maybe I should acknowledge and accept that, and go for more healthy binge activities, like running, yoga, sleep, reading, work? Thanks for your comment!
I love reading your posts. If I could be an eighth as open as your are…and funny and honest…and funny(again) i feel like I would begin to take bigger steps in my journey. I too have been opting for the ice cream route..and coffee is my favorite. I do try to stick with the 3 oz versions because yes, i can down a pint without blinking. Otherwise I eat pretty healthy.
i really like the part where you said “drinking does not fill time, it empties it.”
perfect. I could never sleep with sirens but also love your brief description of living in a city.
(i need to hear crickets and tree frogs etc. ) Be well and I agree with Paul, you will beat this. I have just begun my journey and already stumbled a few times but i’m sure as hell not giving up.
Why, thanks! I appreciate you reading what I typically just consider my rambling rants! I love to make people laugh, and if it’s OK, laugh about all this! I mean, we’re humans, and humans are WEIRD. HAHA — those little guys remind of why I am a drunk; I look at them and think, Oh, no shit, that is NOT GOING TO DO. 😉 Isn’t it funny how we have these realizations — wine is wasting my time — but only do they sink in when we think about them a different way, when the obvious isn’t clouded by drinking or the obsession to drink. Tree frogs? Yes, yes, yes! Keep working, and I know we can both beat this. xx
Hi Drunkydrunkgirl,
Really enjoying your blog. I appreciate your very fresh comments about getting sober. It’s been a long time for me and you bring it all back.
One thing I read took me right back: the big bottle of red on the counter. When I first sobered up, I could not have booze in my house at all – ever! it was just too much of a temptation. After 3 years of sobriety, I moved in with my partner (still going strong after 22 years, and 25 years of sobriety). I had to ask for all booze to be put out of sight. It took enough willpower to know there was booze in the house, but I really could not look at it / see it around the house.
That may just be too hard to handle …
Here’s to staying sober, one day at a time!
Oh, yes. That damned bottle! If it’s in the house, I will end up drinking it; if it’s on the counter, I probably will end up diving toward it in my sleep, it’s calling my name that loudly. 😉 GREAT amazing stuff — I can’t imagine not wanting to drink for that long. Yes, to one day at a time, that’s for sure… Thanks so much for your comment!
i love reading your posts. i am currently trying to conquer this sobriety thing as well. was on day 28 and drank. dang. but i will see it as a learning experience and take from it what i can to see what my triggers are and try to catch myself before i fall into that black hole again. here’s to a sober monday!
Thanks, and thanks for your comment! Yes, we are all in this together! Good for you, 28 days is a long time. And, yes, it’s all about watching and learning what triggers you and how you can somehow “re-train” your mind and/or habits, I suppose, to not let the triggers win! I’m rooting you you!