11:26 pm
I had to take a little break from blogging the past two days, mainly because I’ve been feeling a bit…overexposed. (And busy selling off the rest of my furniture, booking flights, running last-minute errands, working here and there as it goes). Oh, and I also drank. TWICE.
Blarg! IT’S 100% NOT FUN ANYMORE.
I guess I don’t really know how to explain my choice to drink twice this week except for one, I’ve already broken my count so why not, and two, I wanted to “see how it felt.” Usually when I drink, it’s in response to feeling horrible, depressed, and/or desperate! Actually, I can’t remember the last time I drank when I didn’t feel like that. Anyway, I didn’t feel that way Tuesday night or Wednesday night; I felt more or less like I could take it or leave it. (If I’m honest, I think I just WANTED to. BUT, I wasn’t desperate for it.) I haven’t drunk for so long in that mindset that I was like, Well, I wonder how it — drinking — would feel if I actually didn’t go overboard? (I had absolutely no intention of inducing the same kind of hangover I had last week, that I knew.)
Well? It didn’t feel good. In fact, it’s reinforced more my desire to not drink, and to build on what I’ve accomplished both mentally and physically over the past three months. I’m feeling the worst about breaking down, slowly but surely, what I’ve built; I work hard, and I hate to see good work go to waste. KEEP THE FAITH, I keep telling myself. THINK BACK, I say, to all those nights in [cold east coast city], all those days when you were detoxing and feeling shiteous, all those moments you had to fight so hard to not run out and get a bottle. THOSE DAYS ARE GONE. However, I can see them returning if I sneak behind my back and drink once, twice, now three, then four times a week… You can see where it’s headed; so can I.
The first night I ordered Indian food and had three glasses. I was REALLY drunky drunk after just those three, so much so that I could barely think clearly enough to book flights. It was weird; I felt more or less mentally compromised to the point of having no functioning thought process. Not fun. AND, I felt so gross that night. One of those nights where you don’t drink enough to pass out, but you drink enough to feel totally gross, toss and turn, and feel every single ounce of ethanol pass through every single cell of your liver…for hours and hours. AND, I was hung over before I even went to bed. Bleh!
The next night, same thing (with the spicy Indian food), but I downed a whole bottle. I was hung over today, and it was not fun. Not as bad as the other day, but yeah. What stopped me from overdoing it beyond a bottle was the conditioning after last week’s bender (where I blacked out and broke my glasses) — I am literally AFRAID of having a hangover like that again.
So, no, thanks.
I’m not that disappointed, as it’s just another step forward in further convincing myself — and strengthening my resolve — to not drink. If it doesn’t work anymore, there really is zero point in doing it. It’s almost like caffeinated coffee, which for me has become a distant (albeit sweet) memory: back when I had my first panic attack in 2005, I had to stop drinking coffee altogether. The panic attack seemed to have “rewired” my brain, is all I can say. I used to be a coffee FIEND, but now, it just feels like someone turned a radio station to static in my brain. I haven’t had a cup of coffee since that day in November, going on 7 years ago. I would love to, but it just doesn’t work the way it used to. I’d never go back, though, let me tell you. No more ups and downs; no more sour stomach; no more extreme hunger pangs. Sure, I don’t get to get buzzed, but that’s OK, too, especially when it comes to sounding NOT like a total meth-head when I’m talking, interviewing, and/or writing. 😉
So, moving along. Starting over. Realizing that there are big things that need to be passed over and MUCH bigger things that lie in wait. This little hamster-depression-wheel can only whir for so long before LIFE, in all its actual glory, shines through and makes drinking grape water so…boring. (Although, there IS still a small(ish) pocket of brain cells whining in the background, But, maybe… Maybe it was this one time, or maybe it’s PMS fucking with the way it works, or maybe I just need to drink with people, or, I know, maybe I need to drink in a geographical location where the fog particles aren’t messing with the alcohol content…Huh?)
SHUT UP! 😉
(What am I, Gollum? My PRECIOUS. Jesus, get ahold of yourself, woman!)
Drunky Drunk Girl 
my fear would be that the your wolf would continue to create more ‘experiments’ for you to ‘try’ to see if you can drink. and since your wolf is smart, it’ll come up with some pretty exciting experiments. what if i’m naked in times square and i drink? what if i drink only on airplanes?
that you can think up an experiment doesn’t mean you have to act it out to already know the outcome. if it’s poison to you, then the conditions of *how* you consume it don’t change the fact that it’s still poison. i know, i know, you know this already. i wish there was more for me to say. how about this: “you’ve got so much talent, so much to give, so much to share. the world wants to hear from you. the sober you, the real you.” i’m waiting for your unicorn to make its appearance 🙂 ~hugs from me
Thanks, Belle! What a nice comment — yes, I think I need to pick up my horn and sound the “unicorn call.” 😉 The whole “what if” thing, I think (thankfully) I’ve exhausted. Though…I haven’t tried it with beer yet (what if I only drink beer?). But you’re right, the wolf is hungry, and very smart, and very, very tricky! Hugs right back atcha. xx
Glad you’re back! I think I’m hearing you…usually drinking is a reaction to something and you were curious what it was like to drink for no reason, just to have a drink. Maybe like normal drinkers?
I tried that a couple of weeks ago, to just have a glass of wine when I went out to dinner with friends. It was fine at dinner, I drank slowly and enjoyed it but when I got in my car to go home….it was all I could think about. I drove the long way, trying to convince myself to just go home!! But, the button had been pushed…the crazy thing was that I just wanted to stay relaxed and fuzzy and I could have done that on my own, I didn’t HAVE to have more wine but something in me decided I wanted it and the want won over the reasoning.
Sorry to go on…it all goes back to what I keep reading everywhere – if you could be a normal drinker you would. Thinking of you during this transitional time!
Oh, gosh, I have been there so many times. The “want” (wolf!) over the reasoning/rational brain. It was really, really hard for me earlier this summer, when I first quit, and it was all I could do to fight it out every night. But, trying to drink the other nights and seeing what happened DID help me, I have to say. It helped me to see how far I’ve come, not how much I’ve lost (apparently, the ability to process alcohol at all without devolving into a complete mess). Anyway, we can do this! And, for what it’s worth, I can actually see me having as much if not more fun — all the time, now and in the future — not drinking vs. drinking. And, I think the benefits — like to all hard work — are going to show up one day and blow us away. Now, they seem not very big, or to be coming in trickles (OK, so I’m not hung over), but, I think that they’ll end up being exponential! Sorry to bang on, thanks for thinking of me…xx
The realization that I couldn’t safely consume any amount of alcohol under any circumstances was one of the most heartbreaking things I ever experienced. Kind of pathetic, but that’s how it goes for us. It’s like clinging to a life raft that is full of holes. You end up drowning because you never let go and tried to swim.
Hi,
Thanks so much for this. That is *exactly* how I feel — heartbroken. And, the raft analogy is SO apt. And, I love how you used the word “safely.” So, so true. Thanks for your comment and for thinking of me…
I am intrigued by your ability to articulate your journey. You remind me of many forgotten moments of how it felt to drink. It seems shocking to even write that I have “forgotten” them. I am in my ninth year of sobriety and I can say, with certainty, that i relate to every single word you wrote. (Even the other comments … but the unicorn thing went over my head). The subconscious mind is powerful. If you want your sobriety you will have to fight for it. At least that’s my story. As always, I enjoy reading, Lisa
Thanks, Lisa. Yes, I think you’re right: it’s ON! (My analogy for sobriety is a unicorn…with sparkly teeth. Who is pulling my water wagon. Why not?) Wow, nine years. That’s pretty amazing. Thanks for your comment…
I know it may seem difficult to believe but you (and other bloggers like you) really motivate me. It’s shocking to realize you have forgotten.”drunken, obnoxious, black-out” behavior. Your words are golden and inspire many of the posts on my site. Strange, I adore you and i don’t even know you—but I do!
My most excellent thoughts go with you this day…. until tomorrow … Lisa