Made it to my new home! Let the real work begin…

13 Oct

3:16 am

I definitely sense the fact that getting sober and maintaining sobriety only starts after several months of not drinkin’. I drank both yesterday and the night before (two beers, and then two beers, and then two beers), but it’s OK. Onward and upward; I refuse to give up. And the thick, wonderful air of the [beautiful island where I now live]; the lush foilage; the night sky packed with stars; the near-roar of the coqui frogs — these have my back, too. 😉

Anyway, I’m tired and happy and somewhat overwhelmed. Haven’t written in a few days, but that’s more due to the fact of being in literal transit for the past 48 hours than not having a ton to recount, rehash, and wonder about re: sobriety.

Some points I’d like to cover in the next few posts:

1. Making amends with assholes. Seriously. My brother’s girlfriend responded, as I said in another post, viciously to my attempt — a very sincere one — to say I was sorry. I don’t necessarily know how to deal with that. However, now I realize:

2. Sobriety and letting go is REAL. It’s real in that you are clear-headed enough to make a sincere choice to have — or NOT — certain people in your life. Not only do I see what I was, and what I was doing, I see what “they” are and what they’ve been doing. I believe the past however many months of practicing and then actually becoming (becoming is the key word here) sober has lent me a newfound clarity and confidence when it comes to judging situations, making choices, and (more) calmly standing up for what I’m thinking rather than second-guessing myself. I have to stop caring about what others think, even if they’re family, and I have to let people who have equally nasty issues in their lives deal with them on their own. I don’t have to carry their burdens. I can care about them, but I don’t have to carry them. And, I don’t have to take abuse; I can shrug it off and move on, happily. I can choose who remains in my life, just as they can choose whether or not they want to “forgive and forget.”

3. Drinking “normally” again is possible, but I think my choice will be sobriety. I’ve learned so much the past few months, and I’ve become so much stronger, mentally and emotionally, that left at that, it’s almost a no-brainer. The clincher, what really convinces me, is the fact that I really don’t NEED to drink, to alter my reality such that it’s blurred, or “more exciting,” or whatever. Drinking is basically really quite boring.

I drank again, two beers the night before last with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time, then two on the flight from O’Hare to Miami, and then two last night with dinner. I felt really tipsy, and it was irritating. I felt full. I felt somewhat stupid. I wanted to shake it out of my head. And, as is always the case with beer, I can’t do more than two before my brain turns off the “want beer now” switch. Thankfully, I have an off switch when it comes to beer. Anyway…there is just a BIG something to be said for not being beholden to or obsessed by wine. It’s a prison, and this mentality affects every aspect of my day, my mind, and my character.

4. Speaking of characteristics, drinking causes depression. Duh. Yet, overdrinking is definitely circumstantial, too.

5. Fear of intimacy was a huge trigger for me, including relationships and sex. I’ve known this for a long time, but it relates to this fact: getting over what seem to be huge mental and emotional hurdles helps one stay sober in that the process of doing this stuff while sober sort of takes away the obsession (which is based, for me anyway, in fear) to drink.

Enough for tonight. I have to get some rest as this weekend will be more transitioning, unpacking, settling into a new life (gulp). I only cried once since leaving [cold west coast city] last Wednesday — well, twice, but once was crying because my hangover kicked my ass so hard — and that was more a release for the past upsetting week spent with my dad. Lots of weird drama there, but that’s for another post, too.

Good night, friends!

One Response to “Made it to my new home! Let the real work begin…”

  1. Lisa Neumann October 13, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

    I love that you keep writing. Even if it is hard to read. I’m so sober… now (finally) ….that it almost pains me to look back at the agony I lived in AND I thought was okay. I hope you find what you’re looking for. In the meanwhile, I am a big fan. I’m glad you let me post replies and don’t unapprove them. xox Lisa

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

soberisland

recovery from booze, a shitty father and an eating disorder

Dogmatic Panic

just a dude writing about being a dude

Violet Tempest

Author of Gothic Horror & Romance

Walking in Sober Boots

Footfalls on a Path of Recovery

Sober Mormon

Navigating life after Mormonism and addiction recovery. (It's a trip.)

Ditching the Wine

Getting myself sober; the ups and downs

The Sober Experiment

Start your journey of self discovery

Devon Maid

Devon Maid is a story about my ongoing wellbeing journey and life in a rural playground

Sober and Well

Live your best life free from alcohol

The Phoenix Files

The Outspoken Opinions of S.M. Phoenix

cuprunnethover

Filling my Cup with what Matters

Lauren Steinheimer

healthcare writer. tarot reader. dog mom.

winesoakedramblings - the blog of Vickie van Dyke

because the drunken pen writes the sober heart ...

I love my new life!

Changing my life to be the best me. My midlife journey into sobriety, passions and simple living/downshifting.

Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50

Navigating the second half of my life

Sunbeam Sobriety

Just a normal lass from Yorkshire and her journey into happy sobriety

runningfromwine

Welcome to my journey to end my addiction to wine!

Without the whine

Exploring the heart of what matters most

New Beginnings

My Journey to Staying Sober.

Sober Yogi

My journey to wholeness

When Women Inspire

Inspiring women in business, health, and lifestyle

'Nomorebeer'

A sobriety blog started in 2019

A Spiritual Evolution

Alcoholism recovery in light of a Near Death Experience

No Wine I'm Fine

An alcoholfree journey in New Zealand with a twist

Untipsyteacher

I am a retired teacher who quit drinking and found happiness! After going deaf, I now have two cochlear implants!

Life Beyond Booze

The joys, benefits and challenges of living alcohol free

Functioningguzzler

In reality I was barely functioning at all - life begins with sobriety.

Mental Health @ Home

Building mental wellness on a foundation of strength

Faded Jeans Living

By Dwight Hyde

Moderately Sober

Finding my contented self the sober way

Sober Courage

from liquid courage to sober courage

Musings Of A Crazy Cat Lady

The personal and professional ramblings of a supposedly middle aged crazy cat lady

Life in the Hot Lane

The Bumpy Road of Life as a Woman 45+

Wake up!

Operation Get A Life

doctorgettingsober

A psychiatrist blogging about her own demons and trying to deal with them sober

Storm in a Wine Glass

I used to drink and now I don't

Off-Dry

I got sober. Life got big.

Laura Parrott Perry

We've all got a story to tell.

Finding a Sober Miracle

A woman's quest for one year of sobriety

Dorothy Recovers

An evolving tale of a new life in recovery

Lose 'da Booze

MY Journey towards Losing 'da Booze Voice within and regaining self-control

Laurie Works

MA., NCC, RYT, Somatic Witch

Drunky Drunk Girl

A blog about getting sober

The Soberist Blog

a life in progress ... sans alcohol

soberjessie

Getting sober to be a better mother, wife, and friend

mentalrollercoaster

the musings and reflections of one person's mental amusement park

TRUDGING THROUGH THE FIRE

-Postcards from The Cauldron

%d bloggers like this: