AA is so neurotic; then again, so am I!

5 Nov

11:27 pm

It’s been too long since I’ve checked in. I spent about an hour the night before last writing a ranting post about how “AA makes me feel bad” and “AA makes me feel like a failure.” Humph. Glad I saved that one to draft.

In the past week, I’ve realized that AA is chock full of neurotic people, and NO WONDER we all drank! However, I can take what serves me and leave the rest, as so many people have told me. And, joining a 12-step group could be done simply for self-improvement’s sake; you don’t even have to be a drunk to benefit from the steps — it’s a way of life, a “moral-religious” philosophy that could be interpreted outside the context of drinking, I believe.

I’ve been to four meetings in four days (I plan to do 90; I said I would, and damn it, I will), and each time, the meeting has helped me. One of three things usually happens: I feel better after the meeting; I’ve met someone new or had a good convo (yesterday, I invited two new women friends on a hike with me after the morning meeting on the beach); or I’ve found yet one more reason to avoid fully engaging in AA, which is probably an excuse to drink (but, it makes me feel safer, so, for now, that’s OK!).

So, I like meetings, generally speaking. Like jogging, I feel better AFTER it’s over. πŸ˜‰

On the other hand, I dread going. I don’t know why. Wait, yes, I do. I’d MUCH rather be going to an event, a social gathering, a party, to drink wine, ANYTHING but a group therapy session. Therapy is work. AA is work. I dread going, too, because it’s a lot of throwing around of platitudes. People talk in parables and platitudes and it makes me wonder, Do you really have any deeper understanding of these steps and your life sans booze than you did before you got into the program, or have you just adopted the program’s “language?” It’s hard to tell with most people at meetings down here on [beautiful island], as I’d say a good 70 percent are 10+ years sober. Yup.

Tonight, I was particularly irritated by the level of neuroticism in the room. Jesus FUCK, guys. Give it a rest! No wonder you drank! I mean, life is important, but it’s not THAT important. ESPECIALLY YOUR LIFE. God damn. And, the worst: the people who talk seem to have replaced shooting the shit over the bar with shooting it at an AA meeting. There’s a lot of ego in the room, ironically, and a lot of people simply LOVE to hear themselves talk, I guess. (Not to mention, it seems like 80 percent of the people at meetings here are from [cold east coast city], so EVERYONE has that accent…and some particularly [cold east coast city]-y life mantras, like, ‘The world revolves around me and my self-induced melodramatic frenzy.’)

Anyway, the topic was the 11th step, prayer and meditation. The discussion was interesting, but a lot of people subscribed to the idea of God infusing life with a sense of purpose. After thinking about why it vexed me so much, I concluded (for now): as a biologist at heart, I think that is actually short-changing nature! My “god” is nature, is the “is” around us, which consists of us, plants, animals, cells, protons, the galaxies, and all the physical and metaphysical forces within (like, the forces of gravity AND the “forces” of ESP, or synchronicity, or astral travel, or alien abduction). BUT, essentially, I don’t believe that because all this exists, there has to be a reason for it, let alone a sense of purpose for human beings. I think we create a need for one in our minds, and that’s why we also drink. But, that’s the problem with our big old brains, isn’t it?

On a positive note, I came to the realization of how important yoga/stretching is to me, or hiking. Yoga in particular allows me to focus out of my thoughts and into my body, which I also believe (thanks to my acupuncture session back in September — mind-blowing) is the source. The body is the holy ground, and only because you’re a living body can you connect to your higher self, to the higher reality that exists and that some people call God and that I am calling the “is” in this post. I didn’t share this, but wanted to. All in due time.

I could rant on and on, and I can say that I’m really getting annoyed by these meetings. But, I guess I want to see how it ends. I’m giving it 90 days, and then seeing what happens from there. And, I feel really good about that. I also have learned to simply let it fucking go. What happens in meetings stays in meetings, OK? Like passing rain clouds (I ran into one on my hike this afternoon), the meetings pass, the cravings pass, it all passes. And that’s a beautiful thing, actually.

7 Responses to “AA is so neurotic; then again, so am I!”

  1. Porkchop November 6, 2012 at 3:58 am #

    I have definitely felt that dread about going to meetings. And on a bad night I do sit there wondering when so and so is going to shut the fuck up. BUT, like you said, I ALWAYS feel better after I go.

    The God stuff I’m still grappling with. Luckily the meetings I seem to go to are chockfull of atheists and agnostics and there’s a lot of talk of a higher power being something different than an all seeing singular God.

    Anyway, congrats to you! Almost a month now? Keep it up and good luck on your 90 in 90. I had five months yesterday. So weird to think about all that time without a single drop.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 6, 2012 at 4:15 am #

      Hahaha. Totally — so wanted to tell the leader of the meeting tonight to STFU! She always rambles and it literally makes NO sense.

      Anyhoo, yup, coming up on one month. I really appreciate your comment, and I do wonder: if I was in the Bay, would this all be different? I mean, let’s face it: there is a different type of person who moves to an island (read: dropout drunk) versus to the Bay (cerebral drunk), y’know? Most peeps down here seem a bit…not intellectual, let’s put it that way. So, the concept of a higher power is not really discussed — in fact, discussion on the level that I want/need and that might be available to me in the Bay, or NYC, just doesn’t exist, or I haven’t found it yet.

      WOW. Five months! Congrats! Yeah, I bet it feels weird, but great, eh? So cool…

  2. Lisa Neumann November 6, 2012 at 4:12 am #

    ddd … I adore you more each post. I don’t like a lot of things I “get” to do, but I love them afterwards.. That includes: exercise, laundry, cooking dinner, dishes, packing/unpacking lunch boxes, 12-step meetings (yes a mixed bag we are), journaling my feelings, blah, blah, blah … I love your “I’m doing it anyway” attitude. xox

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 6, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

      Thanks, Lisa! Yes, I am just doing it anyway, and taking their advice: don’t drink and come to meetings. And, so far, it does seem to be working…

  3. Belle (Tired2012) November 6, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

    that it all passes might be the key to life… and sobriety. feel shitty? just wait five minutes πŸ™‚ tired? go to bed … drinking doesn’t solve the problems of life, but waiting a bit surely does! Hugs from me πŸ™‚

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm #

      Yes, I think that is one of the keys! I mean, we all know drinkin’ does not make things go away, it just postpones dealing with them. How long did it take me to really get that? xxx

  4. answerswillcome November 6, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

    I came to your blog late in the game, but I have gone back and read a lot of your posts. It seems like you are changing so much. It’s very exciting to read. AA meetings are like a microcosm of life. There are annoying assholes everywhere, we just usually aren’t held hostage to their crap like we are at meetings. I try and take those difficult people/moments in meetings and use them to practice patience and being less judgmental. I’m not always successful, but it’s getting better.

    Your god sounds a lot like mine, and so far it is working for me just fine.

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