11:55 pm
So, I ended my last post a few hours ago (no, I don’t really have a life yet, but I’m workin’ on it!) with going to a meeting that I had the gut feeling would turn out to be “weird and awkward.” Now, I don’t really mind weird and awkward — most of journalism is weird and awkward — but, I dunno, I wasn’t really looking forward to it.
Well, as it turns out, the meeting consisted of me and Rick, this old biker dude. Talk about weird and awkward. I made the best of it, though, and thought that maybe this was — wait for it — God’s will/way of telling me to buck up, practice sharing to a party of one, in preparation to start sharing some of my insight at “real” meetings tomorrow. Or, it could have just been a weird and awkward thing that makes a funny story later.
It was good, though, to share. I like hearing myself talk, I cannot lie. AND, I don’t feel nervous the way I do in front of large groups. Something happened to me during grad school and I now have what I would call a physical affliction related to speaking in front of large groups. I literally get so nervous that my heart beats out of my chest, my voice shakes, and I can barely get words out sometimes. It happens unfailingly no matter what the group. It never used to happen. It’s horrible, and physically disturbing. Which means, I find it even that much harder to speak at AA meetings. On the other hand, I have NO qualms talking one-on-one to people about my feelings and experiences regarding drinking. So it goes. We’ll see if I can muster the courage to get over my heart palpitations tomorrow — or soon.
(I also met a neighbor who is a radio journalist down here, and we had a good chat, which he ended by saying, “I’m not really sure why I’m telling you all this, but you seem like a good person.” Whatever is happening here, including the weird and awkward AA meeting that forced me to open up emotionally such that I am attracting others, I like it. I’ll take it!)
Drunky Drunk Girl 
i like the idea of practicing to an audience of one. makes sense to me. and yes the universe probably delivered you just that opportunity to see if you would make the best of it. and you did 🙂
YES! The Universe has got my back these days…
Just want to say I am loving your blog. Thanks for being out there and well done on five months!
Thank you! I’m so happy to hear that people actually read my blog and get a kick out of it. Honestly, your support is as important to me. So, thanks for reading. (Btw, I am on Day 34 today; I fell off the wagon a few times since June.)
Ah, I was dipping in and out of your blog so I clearly read the 5 months post and missed the update but – as no stranger to slipping and sliding – I salute you for getting back on the wagon and congratulations on Day 34! The first 30 are so tough, and ESPECIALLY after a fall I think. I will have to read back some more to hear about how you got back ON the wagon.
I have only recently discovered the ‘Sobersphere’ and had been lurking around. Your blog was one of the excellent ones I discovered – and really connected with – that made me want to dive in myself. So, I thank you, because I think the process will be good for me even if no one else ever reads it.
I loved today’s post too. Honestly, I relate to so much that you write. As a single, self-employed woman in her 30s with no house, no kids, I find myself constantly battling those thoughts about traditional notions of ‘success’ – and the sense of failure that can come from not having ticked all those boxes. I, too, am trying to redefine what success means to me but it’s an uphill battle some days.
YES! Welcome! I find again and again that blogging — and most importantly, connecting with a lot of women writers, it seems — is more helpful to me than listening to people ramble about how great AA is at meetings. They help, but for me, getting all my doubts and frustrations out there, in words, feels…so centering. Welcome, welcome, and stay strong!