2:33 pm
Of course, the thought has crossed my mind more than a few times–I have a friend in town who used to be a crazy-ass drinkin’ buddy (we got into a LOT of trouble/troubles together)–but do I have to acknowledge it as anything more than an errant bug in my program? NOPE.
I’m keeping busy and truly enjoying my work (for once), my free time (swimming is a FUN way to exercise, and what do you know, the more fun it is the more I want to do it), and planning my future work and free time. I can go to bed and look forward to waking up and just continuing where I left off. I can plan my days and the work I will do, and know that there won’t be any snags, physical or mental or emotional–alcohol is no longer in my way!
I hate to say this, but I will anyway: I almost feel in control of this thing called “my drinking problem.” Does that mean I’m going to drink? No. Does that mean I have to be extra-vigilant? Not really. All I have to do is not drink. And, the best part is, the sense of control comes from my continued work at thinking myself out of drinking, which seems to have changed things up there because it really is getting easier not only to say no, but also to not want to drink in the first place. I feel like I can (much?) more easily resist my cravings because I know (from experience) that drinking will be exhausting, likely not that much fun, and will ruin the next day. The consequences don’t necessarily have to be major; even minor ones seem to me NOW to be majorly sucky, so why disrupt my flow?
I’ve been to only one meeting this week, and let me tell you, it feels GREAT. Great to be away from AA, to be away from AA people, to be away from the AA mentality. I dislike the “once a drunk, always a drunk” mentality; it bogs me down and seems to me to detract, actually, from my success/progress. Too much AA is well, too much AA. In fact, I find AA depressing; I almost feel LESS empowered, worse about myself, and like, I’ll always have this problem. I don’t know about you, but my question has always and will always be: don’t you want to SOLVE the problem and move on? Can’t you? Can’t you leave it behind, officially stop dwelling? (Maybe once I do the steps and get to #12, it’ll all make sense…) I think it’s AA’s trick to keep you there, which purposely contributes to your fear of drinking and therefore, to your sustained sobriety. For me, there’s something about fearing drinking and fearing my “drinking problem,” not to mention having a perpetual problem that just feels…wrong–eh, two or three meetings a week is enough AA for now.
Anyway, happy Friday to all!
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Congrats on 8 weeks! Do you know how awesome that is? Way.
I went through a burn out period with AA, and felt very much the same as you. You’ll find a balanced place for it in your life (or not); I consider it a tool in my sobriety toolbox (cheesy cliche, right?) It’s just another resource for me, and I’m grateful it’s there if and when I really need a meeting.
Congrats again on 8 weeks! So proud of you!
So true! And, yeah, 60 days feels good. Onto 90…! 🙂
It’s nice to read this today and GOOD ON YOU. I’ve been worrying about handling the upcoming holiday season and feeling ‘deprived’ so I am trying to really focus on the good things about not drinking and the bad things about drinking. It’s great to hear this gets easier. I know this too from my own experience but I’m still in a shaky place with it at the moment. 8 weeks is tremendous and you sound in a great spot to breeze through the festivities without too many cravings or temptations. Rock on to 60 days my dear!
(And once again your AA comments remind me why I have thus far avoided AA.)
Yeah, it’s taken me almost 6 months to not feel “deprived” when I want to drink and don’t/can’t. But, it gets easier, day by day, and suddenly (well, sort of suddenly) you realize that you’re having just as much fun — if not more, and that very real thought process starts, too — not drinking. I’m *loving* not feeling so imprisoned by the desire and the fear of not drinking; I really look forward to keeping this up, moving toward 90 days and seeing just how good things are/better things are now that I’ve quit.
As for festivities, ugh, they’re hard without, especially if you’re in that mindset. I would say, stay positive and go into each situation prepared to have fun, even though. However, if you’re not up to the party sans booze, then simply don’t go. It’s just easier that way, and less stress and emotional ups and downs for you.
Congrats on your 8 days! You got this!!
You have summarized how I feel about AA. Why would anyone want to attend a group for the rest of their life where you’re made to feel deprived and guilty?
I take AA for what it is right now: a program of recovery that helps some, not all. I don’t judge the contents of its message or the method, and I actually see a LOT of great good in the 12 steps. For ME, right now, it’s too much to go every day, and too much effort and investment to both get and stay sober AND commit to a sponsor AND do the steps AND and and… But, I am reading the Big Book when I get the chance and taking some solace in that. It works for some and that’s great, I think…