10:10 pm
Oy. I got ’em. Well, I got pangs, but I don’t got (ouch, sorry, Mom) perspective.
The past few days I’ve felt like a mack truck hit me. I just can’t. Do. Anymore. Taking care of shit. AND, it’s not like I had THAT much to do!? What is wrong with me? All I know is, I’m way too hard on myself AND, drinkin’ won’t fix these (post-)holiday blues…
Anyway, I’m tired. Overwhelmed by…what, exactly? The holidays are kind of bullshit. I mean, stressful, running, spending, expecting, performing, judging…no fucking wonder people go crazy. Someone in my AA circle hanged herself a few days before Christmas. It’s one of those things that just sticks in the back of your mind, rests there like a benign tumor. I had met and talked to her a few times, and she seemed to be, well, on something. Talk about my little first-world problems meaning nothing. Annnnnd, now I’m feeling guilty for having any feelings at all about my life. ARG.
I really wanted to drink today. Feeling somewhat exhausted from the constant telling myself that I really didn’t want to partake in the “fun” at multiple Christmas get-togethers; remaining cheerful even when I felt a little bit like stomping my feet and throwing a tantrum inside; looking on Facebook to see multiple people/friends, OF COURSE, publishing articles, and books, and yada fucking yada. Me? STILL stalling. No pitching, no reporting, no writing. I could do it, I could be competitive. I’m wasting my talents, I often think. Have I simply chosen not to participate, at least for now? Am I just lazy, or still burnt out? Or, maybe I, um, had a mental/nervous breakdown the past three years (since I was fired from my job after a disastrously drunken Christmas party shenanigan–I yelled at my CEO and then missed two days work because I, um, went to jail for disorderly conduct…). In any case, it’s time, isn’t it? Shouldn’t I be busting a move? What is wrong with me?
All these thoughts were circling in my head as I woke this morning. And, I woke from a dream in which I woke up to find that I had gotten shitfaced and texted mean things to like, 20 people while sleeping. Let me repeat: I dreamt that I drank while I was asleep and did a bunch of mean things. So, there is now something called “drunkwalking” in my world, which is made even more meta because I dreamt about it. Jesus.
Today, I tried, but it was hard to really appreciate any of it. The water, the beach with my boyfriend, the sunshine, my new bikini and wrap… So, I decided to come home, take a deep breath, walk the dogs, gaze at the marvelous moonrise through a set of pink clouds, and eat cake. My boyfriend invited me out to the bar where he works, but I just don’t feel like sitting around watching people drink and then trying to have a conversation with someone who won’t remember it and who keeps repeating him/herself anyway…
So, what’s the point of this? Oh, perspective. Wavering at the moment. And I do have pangs, as in “I really want to drink when I hit 90 days”-type pangs, but I’m hoping they’ll pass once I get a handle on my next moves, professionally. This was a problem that nearly floored me when I was drinking, and I would drink and drink and drink over it. Now, I realize that it simply needs to be addressed. I can do it, if I put my mind to it. Drinking will not solve anything, and will only keep me in this place, for longer.
Onward and upward. Or, maybe, let it go and go to bed early. Or, better yet, watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy in preparation for The Hobbit in the theater tomorrow night? YES.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
maybe the best part of this ‘low’ post is the part where you comment on what you might do at 90 days… not today, but later. i was doing this almost daily (imagining quitting at some future, not clearly defined date) and as of yesterday it finally stopped. but if i check my calendar it probably went on for weeks… i think the holidays, no matter how little we’re involved, are still stressful. i’m far from family, don’t buy presents, and have a lovely life. and i still wanted to drink through it all. it’s my default setting. it doesn’t even mean that there’s something to ‘drink about’ … in my case it means i’m bored, tired, antsy.
as for you, i personally can’t wait to see what you figure out with your career + writing, as you creep forward in your sobriety. it’s probably not ‘time’ yet to deal with it, you’re dealing with being sober first, and it takes a bit of adjusting… but soon 🙂 [insert some trite advice about not comparing yourself to others on FB, and instead marveling in your own successes… of which there are many many many]
happy merry to you. it’s almost over. soon it’ll be january 2nd and all these festivities will be over!
Thank you, I needed to hear this! I know, I know, comparing oneself to others can lead to no good. Still, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that it drives me crazy sometimes, especially when I feel like I’m stalling. I think I just need to step back and take a look at what I’ve achieved, especially in getting sober. And, to realize that getting sober is a project unto itself, and this readjustment period isn’t going to be easy, i.e., my creativity and work ethic/drive are going to be out of whack and unpredictable. So, yeah, while it would have been SO nice to drown out my frustration today (this island REALLY grates sometimes when it comes to getting things done amidst “scowling locals”), it wouldn’t have been worth it. 90…tick tock, tick tock. 😉 Merry merry to you, too, darlin’. xx
Hobbit is good enjoy.
I had 9 months where everyday it was in my head the need for a drink. How I didn’t drink in those early months I do not know just by talking with those who had been there and were there too with me somehow I made it. If I can anyone can home luck.
Thanks! I’m having major pangs today–so frustrated with what seems to be so many ?s unanswered. I know drinking won’t help, but it’s on my mind! Thanks for reading…it helps to know you’re out there, supporting me. x
I’ve missed your posts (took an internet break). When I feel the way you feel people say, “Lisa, you’re right on schedule.” It pisses me off. I don’t want to be “on schedule.” I want to be “ahead of schedule” … accomplishing. Please give yourself time to shine. It will happen. Not much comfort, but it’s true. I could go on for hours, but won’t. Hang in there … you;re right on schedule … with love
Yup, so true. I want it all now, and have so many unanswered ?s, feel like my life is either over or on hold. Ugh, the negative thoughts abound, and it’s all I can do to not drink to “make it go away,” which I know it just won’t. Thanks for being there… xx
It takes time. I hated people saying that in my early sobriety but it is true. Do. You write a daily gratitude list? I did for ages and it helped me to accept things
Congratulations on making it through Christmas. I am on day 5. I did 2 weeks a couple of months ago, and then 1 week, and then cut down, tried moderating for years etc. but after waking up with a case of “alcohol induced meningitis” the day after Christmas I decided I must finally deal with this. I’m so very tired of feeling like crap. I’ve just found your blog and am looking forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing and for your honesty. Sometimes I feel I must be chipper all the time if I want to participate in this sober blogger love fest but I just don’t want to be chipper right now. Isn’t that why I drank in the first place?
Oh, my, I already like you! FUCK being sober, I say! Well, that’s what I’ve been saying the past couple days anyway! YES, it is hard and NO, you don’t have to like it or be all lovey-dovey and positive. It’s one of the reasons I can’t stand the AA groups down here, cuz no one seems all that honest with how frustrating and teeth-gnashing this whole process is.
Thank YOU for sharing; honestly, I think it takes a bottom that *forces* you to be and remain sober, for a lot of us. For me, my liver hurt, I was literally afraid of having another hangover like the last ones I was having, I could not drink and remain anything resembling myself while sober, etc.
Good for you on day 5. You can do it. The past few nights, I’ve been having a REAL hard time, feeling like I might explode, like my brain is in a fog of desire to drink. BUT, I lived through it, and the next day came and…I felt better. At least a little. AND, it made me realize that drinking would not have made any of it better or go away…just temporarily (an hour or two?) numb it.
This too shall pass… Stay strong, you can DO THIS! xx
Ahhh, my first internet exchange in this new endeavor… thanks for writing back! I made it through New Year’s Eve and trust you did as well. Week one down, only a lifetime to go.
I totally sympathize with you on the liver pain thing– do hangovers get worse as your liver gets more overloaded? It sure seems like it. Our poor livers, so abused and unappreciated.
So true what you said, that drinking would not have made whatever you were feeling go away or get better. That is such an epiphany for me. I never realized how much I was numbing myself. I thought all was grand and that I was just bored and had a little anxiety that alcohol helped. I hope all is well with you now that the holidays have passed. I’ll have to look through your blog to see how long you’ve been at this and if you’re also going to AA.
All the best to you. Love your writing– please keep it up!
Thank you! And, yes, no drinky drink on New Year’s Eve–and really, really glad. Keep it up, you’re doing great. xx