8:53 pm
(WHAT? Oops! I meant to have this post on New Year’s Eve, but alas, my procrastinating self hasn’t figured out how to set the “self-timer” thingie on WordPress, and I still go in and manually enter the publish time (which I accidentally set for December 31, 2013). Anyhoo, here’s my rant from a few nights ago, and to be perfectly honest, I’m so over it: the event, the thoughts re: the event, and my annoying self. Done. Still…have a read and then let’s all move on, shall we?)
I haven’t been sober for New Year’s Eve in like, a decade or more. And, let me tell you, it’s GOT to be better than last year’s.
I’ve been ruminating a lot lately about my “drinking past,” and frankly, I’m over it! However, some people aren’t, and that hurts.
I called my brother last night; we haven’t spoken for almost three months (not for lack of trying), since his girlfriend’s vicious response to my amends letter–a very heartfelt, honest apology and attempt to make things right (even though, months had gone by before my brother changed his mind and told me that no, things weren’t OK, that his girlfriend was still “very angry” with me).
I’ve told the story before, but in a nutshell, last year I got really, REALLY drunk at their house on New Year’s Eve. Deerunky drunk drunk. Drunker than I think I’ve ever been, EVER. It was the culmination of a long year of basically hitting bottom over and over and over–I felt like the skipping stone that just wouldn’t stop!
Anyway, I ended up blacking out (the flip just SWITCHED) and screaming at my brother and his girlfriend, calling her names; ranting about what a crazy bitch she is (which she is, literally–victim of incest, rape, and severe psychological abuse; but has chosen to hate her way through it), how my brother doesn’t care about me, how they’ve isolated themselves in rural America, how his girlfriend has ruined his life. Blah blah blah. Yelling, crying, rolling on the floor–you get the picture. (There was also a rant about how much I hate Coldplay, which is sort of awesome and I really wish someone had filmed that part.)
The problem is, IT WAS ALL TRUE, what I said. Doh! Sigh. The worst part about getting blackout drunk is that quite often, there is truth to what you say to other people and about other people in your blackout. If you’re me, anyway. In fact, it’s like, I allow someone a completely unobstructed view of my mind, of what’s really inside my head. YIKES. And, not cool, because there are many things that people just DON’T NEED TO KNOW.
I woke up the next day as if from a nightmare. I had NO idea–it was a total blackout, with practically no flashbacks and no ability to even conjure a feeling of what went down, especially the parts related to me yelling at the girlfriend, who actually ran and hid, according to my brother. When I woke up, I remember feeling extremely pissed off, fuming, confused, and utterly unable to remember WHAT was making me feel so sick in my head, so sick to my stomach. Did I have a nightmare? Something happened, I’m sure of it. Was it a dream?
It wasn’t a dream. My brother and I had a painful talk on the stoop after I got up, and then I left. Drove the fucking 6 or 8 hours to DC with the WORST hangover on record (I’m surprised I didn’t hallucinate and drive into the ditch in the middle of West Virginia), and then spent the next, well, 12 months saying I was/am sorry. I finally wrote a letter to the girlfriend, and I got the most vicious reply in return (she wrote me a Facebook mail while drunk; does the word “irony” mean anything?).
Anyway, I’ve tried, kept calling, and I get little to nothing in return. At this point, I’m the one who’s pissed that they’re not budging–they’re continuing to hold a mighty grudge, and not ONCE have they asked me about my drinking, my getting sober, how it’s going, how I’m doing with all this. Not one question. In August, I told my brother on the phone that I had 60 days sobriety, and his reply was an awkward grunt. Oh-kay, then, guess I won’t be bringing that up with you EVER again.
I haven’t brought it up, and I doubt we can truly mend this. I’m pissed at them for not only not forgiving OR forgetting, but for lying about the fact that they did! I know I shouldn’t feel this way, because I was the one who messed up, but come on. When I write a heartfelt letter to the woman and she responds by getting drunk and telling me that I’m a “cunt who will never be loved by any man and that I should die”? And my brother, not even admitting that she sent it, let alone apologizing on her behalf, even just a little?
(To be sure, I’ve talked it out with my mother and uncle, who know the girlfriend, and they’re both on MY side. Just sayin’. I’m not sure why I keep bothering myself about someone who simply isn’t capable of having a normal relationship.)
So, this has turned into a rant, but I’m sorry, I needed to vent it in hopes of setting it free, finally, this year. I have to move on. I don’t want to be there anymore. That place was dark. I want light. I want clear thinking, healthy relating, progress.
Tonight, I’m grateful for all I have, all I’ve accomplished, and all the people in my life who have supported me through a very progressive year! I’m sober, and I’m living in [beautiful island where I now live]. I’m freelance writing/editing, and I’m doing it from wherever I want–this was a big goal of mine, one that I didn’t think I could accomplish even this year, let alone WHILE I was getting sober. I got back to [cold east coast city] for a month or so and re-discovered a possible future life there. I checked the fuck out of [cold west coast city referred to as hotel named in famous song] and have not looked back. There, I was living alone in the Tenderloin, drinking every night, and being miserable. Now, I get to care for dogs, another person, myself. I get to work and live. I have the sun every day, the ocean (one that you can swim in without a wet suit, that is) by my side. I get to dream about the future. I get to appreciate the present. I have choices, and I get to make them every single moment of every single day.
Happy new year, friends. I would not be here, in this place, without the support of my sober blogging community. You guys rock, and have taught me that whatever path you take to get to Sober Land, as long as you get there is what matters.
2013…and 90 days, coming up!
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Holy shit, that’s some story. Not sure if I have read that before, thanks for sharing it. Tricky situation for sure .. the best thing is to do what you are doing and get your side of the street clean (as they say) and just let more time pass. That poor woman, she sounds like a total mess. Anyway…Happy New Year to you fabulous sober person. xxx
Thanks, Mrs. D! Not sure how fabu I am, but I am definitely sober! 🙂 (Yeah, she’s a train wreck, but, it’s just not my mess to clean up anymore; I’d rather just stay away at this point, and she, too…)
Happy New Year to you, too!
Contests on your first sober NYE (or at least, your first in a long time). I’m right there with you. I woke up yesterday sober and so grateful that it actually made my heart hurt in the good way. I am so sorry that your brother and his GF (she sounds like a real angel, ps) choose not to support your sobriety and don’t get to see the awesome changes in you. My BF (now ex) when I got sober just over 5 months ago wasn’t willing to forgive me either. It’s awful and I so get the “f them for not forgiving me….even though I caused the problem” feeling. At least you tried. You came correct with them, you took responsibility and are now living a sober life. Not much more you can do (except maybe pray for them? I am told to pray for my ex, even though he wouldn’t forgive me, and when people say that, I want to choke them. However, I think it’s actually working because I feel less shitty about it all). Anyway, I have loved reading your blogs and can relate to so much of what you write, so thanks for that, and keep up your great sober streak!
Chicago! How great to hear HOW GREAT you’re doing. Congrats on 5 months! Woo hoo!!! I’ve come to let most of my past shenanigans go, and when they do come up and start hurting me all over again, I am learning to let those feelings go, too, and focus on the NOW. As for those who don’t want to be a part of the “new” sober me’s world, well, Oh, well, is all I got! I mean, what else can I say?
Anyway, yes, congrats to you, forget about those who can’t forgive and forget (they’re just not worth getting upset over, is my experience, even family or exes), and celebrate your sobriety, your life, your days! xx
I’m sorry you’ve been vexed with your family. Remember that even though three months feels like a long time to us, when we’re not drinking, to normal people that can be the blink of an eye. They’re certainly under no obligation to accept an apology or anything. All you can do is keep being sober.
And I think that that’s one reason that step nine is ninth. It takes us time to get there, to be ready to make amends without expecting forgiveness or being resentful towards them. Amends cannot be effectively made if they depend on the other person’s forgiveness; that just makes your sobriety hostage to their whim. And it takes other people time to accept that we’ve changed. And there’s lots of change that needs to happen in us, internally and independantly, before we’re the kind of people who might be deserving of forgiveness.
In the end, all we can do is move forward living well, and being sober.
Thanks for your insightful comment, Dr.24Hours! Yeah…I realized my first time around (back in June-August), not only was I prouder than almost anyone about my 60 days of sobriety, but no one knew or if they did, didn’t even care. It was not the super-human feat that I made it out to be, in others’ minds!
I do appreciate the order of the steps–I definitely am not ready to make amends, but I have done it along the way, in my own way.
I am letting the brother and gf-thing go. It’s not in my hands, and I’ve done all that I can and want to do, at least for now…
The bit about Coldplay made me laugh. Thank you.
It’s their loss. I know you want to keep ties to your brother, but he has to want to hold one side of the rope too. ❤
Haha. It’s one of those things that you can smile about while you’re crying and cringing over the other 99.9% that was horribly monstrous.
Yes, it is definitely his loss. Her? I don’t think think she’ll ever get past her narcissism to understand or take part in healthy relationships. Anyway, thank you for this; it helps to hear someone say what I was trying/hoping to think for myself. I have decided to simply let it go, and stop pretending that my brother wants from me what I guess I want(ed) from him. xx