2:16 am
Lately, I haven’t had the time to continually think about drinking. I have a bunch of posts I’d like to write, and comments I’d like to make, but staying “here,” in this head space–eh, it’s a bit much. Unnecessary, at some point, to keep beating a dead horse, y’know?
I feel “healed” in a certain sense. I don’t go to meetings anymore, and that’s been a great help in allowing me to feel normal again, and not diseased or “broken.” Grasp-y. Overexposed. Judged. That mentality had a huge negative impact on me–in addition to feeling like a piece of shit who was always drunk, I constantly felt ashamed, helpless, and broken, and it was exacerbated by this constant rumination/reflection on being ashamed, helpless, and broken! I’m learning to accept that it’s perfectly OK to not like AA. And, that I don’t have to “save” others in order to be and stay sober. I really don’t. I can, but that’s my choice when/if I want to be of that type of service. It’s a lot of work, being there for someone when you’re your own full-time job. I don’t have to do it, any of it. AND THAT’S OK!
In fact, I think I’m going to have a Big Book burning ceremony soon, just to sort of cleanse that (relatively negative, but not entirely) experience from my bones.
I also feel like I need to focus on training myself to simply enjoy, for three reasons:
– stressing ruins the moment, and all that the moment entails
– stressing takes the “play” out
– stressing messes up my hormones, making things even more unpredictable
I have a lot on my to-do list for 2013 and am feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, BUT, I’m going to try to keep it simple, take it easy, and stop overthinking. And, drinking? Yep, I’d love a glass of wine (or, would I?), but I have too much to do and being altered or hung over would simply waste more time. It really is that simple–for now. The sober “car”/boulder is rolling, and rolling fast, so watch out! 😉
Off to bed. So tired after trying to understand all the amaze-balls dialogue in ‘Lincoln’ tonight. Tony Kushner is a god.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
look at your sober car rolling along 🙂 i feel exactly the same way, sometimes i feel a bit (or a lot BLAH), but mostly i don’t want to drink because i’ve got too much to do. and feeling shitty / regretful / starting over is just a gigantic waste of time. if it’s any consolation, you’re helping others just by helping yourself. i thought of YOU just this morning, and was thankful that you recounted your somewhat continuous attempts to moderate! I know you didn’t enjoy any part of it, but the record of it reminds me that i don’t have to learn the same lessons for myself. whenever i feel low enough to think that drinking might help, i remember one of your posts where you said something like: “i’m drinking so you don’t have to, don’t bother, it’s not worth it,” or words to that effect … and i love you for that! more helpful than you could possibly know…
Aww, that’s very sweet, Belle. I’m SO GLAD my rambling has helped you! (Didn’t I also say that wine tastes like gasoline? Or something like that? LOL) Yeah, I just commented to someone else that re-reading myself helps me to NOT EVEN GO THERE when I start dreaming about “just one glass…”
I was thinking today on my walk about you! About being busy and maybe simply not drinking because, well, it gets in the way. And, I thought of you when I told myself, Well, you can always drink after this project is over…and then, of course, there will be a new thing or project that will be more important than getting drunk, and after that, other new and cool things that basically WAY trump drinkin’ and being hung over for 2 days.
THANK YOU for stopping by, your words that have helped me to laugh and see how important this is, all at the same time! YOU ROCK!
Sober cars activate!!! 🙂