1:32 am
Ahh. Whew. What a relief to be sober!
Holy Christ, I’m SO glad to be *contained.* In containment. Maybe even stilted, as in, I’m not sure I could have had a conversation with a stranger tonight (up and down today, mainly due to my usual existential “drama” that seems to prohibit me, absolutely, from simply enjoying the moments). BUT, after seeing a few drunks doing what drunken people do, all I feel is relief: I have nothing to fear, I’m not in that place tonight, and, I DON’T EVER HAVE TO BE IN THAT PLACE AGAIN.
I wanted to drink today, but I knew I wouldn’t. I would get through the night. And, maybe it was a “God shot”: we went to a bar for dinner and there were several things that just made me cringe. One was a guy talking WAY too loudly, sharing WAY too much, touching WAY too frequently. I remember doing that, and watching it at 108 days sober made me feel…uncomfortable. From a distance, watching him, I felt edgy. Nervous, as if his state of mind was contagious and even after all my 108 days of work, I might catch the “drunk as shit” bug and start, well, acting like HIM. Like ME, when I was drunky drunk: out of control, embarrassing, invasive, and, about to get more of all three before too long. Ugh.
Then, we took off, and as we were heading out of the parking lot, I turned my head toward flashing lights. Two cops were pointing their flashlights on a dude who had either fallen or gotten into a fight; he was sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette, and blood was everywhere–on his legs and arms and face, on the ground, on his clothes, on his bare (were they bare?) feet. I’m guessing he was drunk (it’s the place to go out here, so lots of bars and lots of drunken people) and got into some drunken nonsense. Typically when I refer to “nonsense” and “shenanigans,” I’m sort of doing it tongue in cheek. This was not a joke to me tonight; it just made me feel even more nervous, and well, tired. TIRED. Drama, repercussions, head in hands, sighs all around. Apologies, things you can’t take back, waking up with that sinking feeling of dread at the base of your being, knowing that there had been simply, a lot of fucking bullshit. A whole lot of shit.
I’m so glad I’m outside that tangle, at least for now. I felt fearful for a while tonight, but I know that there is nothing to fear. I am not drinking, I will not be getting drunk, and there will be no drunken nonsense or shenanigans. I am going to watch part of a movie on quantum physics with my earbuds in, stay very still (safe) in my bed in the dark, and set my alarm; I am going to get up, brush my teeth, make coffee, and take the dogs for a walk, before starting on a bunch of editing I have to do for this week. I have an interview lined up with a marine biologist for tomorrow (maybe the real reason I’m edgy), and I will call him at the scheduled time. He already has the questions, so there is nothing to fear. And, all this will go down as planned–plus, without the extra TON of weight to carry by being hung over–because I did not drink wine tonight. Thank you, me. Thank you thank you thank you, higher me.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
And thank you for such a vivid reminder of reasons not to drink! Especially waking up after several TALL glasses of wine (me too).
You’re welcome! 🙂
Hey there DDG, I just found your blog. We sobered up right around the same time. I just did my addition and realized today is 120 for me. Woo hoo. I found you through ‘Mrs D’s’ blog. This post I can relate to. I am doing very well with this except for when we go out to dinner. I just feel so awkward at drink ordering time. But this past Sat. night I felt it seemed a little more ‘normal’ when I said I will stick with water. Meanwhile the hubs had a Blood Orange Martini. lol. Anyway, your post made me think of the jerk who sat next to us. What a goober. He and his date were loud and annoying. They first wanted to sit at the bar and drink then have dinner later. However, the place we were at fills up quick so they changed plans and decided to have dinner first. Right next to us…yay for us. Anyway, then they guys loudly states to the waitress that he is changing plans yet again because they want to order a bottle of wine back at the bar later. So for now they will just order one drink and have dinner. Ok…so then they get the glasses of wine and the jerk keeps whining…Is this it? Is this all I get? Why didn’t we get a bottle? On and on. The whole night was like that and I was sooooooooo glad I was not the annoying one! Being sober is awesome! I’m becoming a sober snob I think! Kindof like when you give up smoking and then all of a sudden you hate the smell of cigarette smoke? lol. Anyway, I can relate to this post and I to where you are are at in the process. I think I drank to help deal with stress and anxiety. So I try to now just take things as they come and try not to get too far ahead of myself. I focus on how awesome it is to be clear headed and how awesome mornings are without feeling like crap. I know I am less fun now but too bad. My family will have to deal with me as I am. My kids are growing up and starting their own lives a bit…so now I focus on my pets which love me no matter what (can’t say the same for my 2 legged kids…lol). One day at a time! Keep writing…I enjoy your blog.
First up, congrats! Sounds like you’re doing GREAT at this sober thing. Rock on, us! 🙂
Oh, man, it sounds like a drunk person, the guy sitting next to you the other night. I remember right away after getting sober, going out and being like, DAMN, drunk people are really freaking loud and annoying–no wonder my sober/moderate drinker friends didn’t like me when I was smashed. Also, I SO know what you mean about being a “sober snob,” but, it’s easy to get self-righteous about it, and that isn’t good, at least for my ego. I can go from self-righteous to bitter and angry pretty fast…
And, I LOVE how simply you said exactly how I feel, too: TOO BAD if I’m not fun anymore, deal with it. I just can’t be that happy, or giggly, or flirty, or funny, or whatEVER the drinkers are being. Drinking is not an option for me anymore, so this is it, this is me.
Thanks for this, I needed it to fortify me for tomorrow, where I’m going to have to be social with a bunch of drinkers for an entire DAY. Wish me luck…
I’m glad you escaped that cluster fuck unscathed. I enjoy watching drunks. I think it feeds my soul when I’m able to say “but for the grace of God, there go I”. It’s such a relief to know I have options. No godawful cravings but everynow and then a random THOUGHT that I quickly squelch. All in all, it’s just “one day at a time”. I won’t drink today. Tomorrow I have another 24 hours to make the decision and I’ll probably make the right one. Glad you got toe experience your old reality without having to live it!
Thank you! Y’know, I looked at that scene and it just made me feel empty, scared, sad. I’m sure glad it’s not me, but I felt bad for the guy…
I still have cravings, pretty much every day (all day?), and I wonder when they’ll stop. When I’ll stop romanticizing wine. One day at a time, and I have to admit, I’m glad when each day passes into the next and I can breathe a sigh of relief, go to bed, and build up my reserves for tomorrow. Does that make me “dry drunk?” Should I even give a second thought to AA’s labels?
Oh I remember those feelings of discomfort being around drunk people. St Patrick’s day last year was brutal and I’m never going out that night again if I can help it. Maybe it was too good of a reminder of the pain I’d put myself through. Excellent post, it made me remember something I needed to remember.
I mean, the places that drinking can take us–horrible. I have a friend whose boyfriend got angry drunk the other night and wound up in jail. It’s times like those–hearing and seeing others suffer the repercussions–that just make you go, Thank God(dess) I’m here, safe, my own, together, whole. And all it takes is not drinking. Whew, is all I can say, every time I come back to this conclusion. 🙂
“Relief” is the perfect word for it.
Totally!
Hey DDG, love your blog. I’m still a drinker but have been reading a lot of great blogs like yours and getting ready to try and quit. Thank you for being out here in blogland.
Hoping–GREAT to hear from you and thanks for your kind words. I hope I can be of help, and not scare you away with all my moaning and groaning. For the most part, I feel great and am super-awesome content (mind you, not always happy) to not be drinking, to not be craving to drink (i.e., obsessed with drinking), and to not be doing stupid-crazy nonsense while drunk! Like, really really a million times over content about this. My life is 180-degrees different, and I credit all of it–all–to having one day said (for who knows what exact reason), I’ve had enough. I’ve just had enough. I think you’ll get there, too, and it won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it. Glad you’re here, glad you’re reading, and glad you’re getting ready to try and quit. You’ve got my support! xx