2:02 am
Yup, that’s what I miss. I used to do it nightly–it was my break, my reprieve, the end of my day. Me time. Only, if I didn’t watch out, something would end up destroyed–a cell phone, a laptop, a friendship, my tenancy (I used to sing along to music, talk really loudly to myself, or turn into a raging lunatic and wake my neighbors, who would call my super, who would stop by and knock on my door to tell me to shut the fuck up).
Wait. I MISS THAT DRAMA?
Anyway… Now? Now I watch them without booze and I remember what I’ve seen and I get to go to bed sober and wake up sober, and not hung over. Plain and simple.
I have to say, sometimes I’m not feeling this blog anymore. I’ll keep writing, don’t worry. But mainly–and this is why I think meetings make me want to cry/pull my hair out/stab my eyes–I just don’t think reveling in where you’ve been is all that helpful. TO ME. (I also decided early on that “being there” for other drunks in the rooms was something I did not have it in me to do at the time, so…that aspect was something I purposefully rejected.) Recovery is just one step of sobriety, and not a very interesting one, in my mind. I mean, sure, I’m recovering from my idea of how to drink, and from my emotional and psychological dependence on drinking. Sure, I’m doing that, and I do that every minute of every day…
Did I have to blog about every aspect of my life before I became someone who drinks alcoholically, all of which seemed much more tolerable but probably wasn’t? Did I just “unlearn” how to deal responsibly and reasonably with life–good old life, which everyone has to figure out how to live? Is recovery simply re-learning what you knew? For me, in a sense, it has been.
I’ve said it before: there is a huge difference between referring to oneself as an alcoholic and as someone who drinks/drank alcoholically. AA seems to prefer the former, and I prefer the latter.
Sure, I’d love a glass of red wine right now, but really, would I? That question, even, becomes moot when I then think ahead to the next day if I drink that glass–I will feel like ass, be hung over and not get anything done, and jeopardize my work, my earnings, and my credibility, somehow and in some way. I do not WANT to feel like ass, etc. I really, really, really don’t want, any longer, to feel like ass, etc. To me, recovery is actually a recovering of sanity, of sensibility toward when and how to drink. There comes a point when you’ve RECOVERED.
It’s why I found meetings ridiculous (literally) after a certain point–it only took me a few months to realize that the method was harmful to me, not helpful (as in, I wanted to drink after meetings because they made me feel bad). That being said, they help some folks, and others dig hashing over the same garbage. Still others understand that helping newbies (like myself 4.5 months ago) actually helps them–not to mention, I’m sure glad that they were there for me in the beginning.
Do I have to keep coming back? No. Can I drink wine and watch movies? No. Am I recovered? I think so, partly. Maybe. Sort of.
And, the solution to all this nonsense is to simply Go To Bed. Good night, friends!
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I know, I know. I really, really hear you.
I still – after 8+ years sober – miss drinking wine with some girlfriends after work. STILL. I mean, come on, right? It’s like, get over it! And I am, I am over it. I don’t do it, I don’t even consider doing it. But I miss it all the same.
This is the part of recovery that never goes away, I think. We will always miss the drinking. But we choose not to do it… we choose to go to bed 😉
Thank you, Michelle. I really needed to hear that I’m not alone here, in this weird want it/don’t really want it mentality. There is/was something so comforting–and exciting, like something to look forward to–about the ritual. But when I really think about it, what was that? I mean, why did I find escaping into a box of wine with a MOVIE so fun? Was I so unimaginative that I couldn’t do it without? Or, maybe, movies were boring alone, or boring in general… Anyhoo, thank you. xx
The Recovering/Recovered fight is a stupid one in my opinion. Some people absolutely insist in AA (of which I am a happy member) that one is never “recovered”. But fighting over semantics is a silly thing. First of all, it Big Book itself says: “We are over 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state…”. And second of all, one of the most important precepts in AA is “We have stopped fighting everyone and everything.” So I’d encourage you not to concern yourself with a silly semantic argument, nor with the opinions of those who do.
DDG: For me, this post title says it all. We just “don’t.” It’s so ridiculously simple.It bugs me that it took me until I was 40 to figure it out. Also, I note that you write about blogging and drinking vs blogging now sober/recovered. I completely relate to this too. I feel so often like my life is good, and yea, thoughts of drinking show up …. but they are always stupid so I let them go away. Then I wonder what could I possibly write that anyone would want to read. People like the drama. I’m so not drama. I feel sometimes like I’ve turned into fluffy, pink, and boring. Oh well, I can’t go to bed cuz it’s morning, but that is always the best evening choice for the wino I used to be. xox
Hello there,
I’ve noticed your posts have seemed less frequent of late and I have missed them and I , for one, would be really sad if you stopped posting. Hey, no pressure! I mean, a unicorn might die somewhere and some glitter balls may turn beige and dull but… no pressure!
I hear you re the alcoholic label versus the ‘someone who drinks alcoholically’. I also prefer thinking about it as that I’d developed an alcohol addiction/ a problem with drinking, much the same way as I was once addicted to cigarettes (but didn’t need to define myself as a nicotine addict). Maybe it’s just semantics but I guess I’m rebelling against the stigma that is associated with the label.
Do I miss drinking? Yes and no, much as you said. I was out at an event last night where wine was being passed around. Part of me wanted some but then when I thought about the obsession that would kick in, how I’d become utterly absorbed in it and need more and drink too much and write off today and feel like crap… when I consider all that… not so much.
I also agree re the wallowing in the past of where you’ve been – I want to move FORWARD. Yet, at the same time, I know my tendency to quickly, conveniently forget how bad it was and start thinking ‘a few’ would be no big deal. So, for now, for me anyway, I need to keep reminding myself. But I can do that by coming here, reading blogs, reading books etc, rather than AA.
Keep posting if you can babe – you’d be much missed.
Lilly x
I’ve recovered. I haven’t had a drink since 1984 and I’m not going to. I feel 100% sure of that. For me, though, I just don’t do “recovery” on my own. I continue to go to AA because #1 although I’m sure I won’t drink, why take a chance? #2 it saved my life and I do want it to be there for the next person. Most important, though, is the face that continuing to go continues to improve my life. I hear people rehash the past, yes (and what makes me nuts in meetings is the phrase “when I first stopped drinking”) but I also hear them talk about today and tomorrow in ways that I don’t hear other people talk about in other places. And I improve my quality of life by participating.
They say “don’t quit before the miracle” and I’ve had two miracles. First, the ability not to drink was a miracle in my life. Second, at some point I wanted the program, rather than needed it. And I’m glad I stuck around for that.
I am sure glad that “they” were there when I walked into AA almost 29 years ago. Still go to meetings in order to give back what was so freely given to me. I am part of the “they” now and I consider myself recovered.
Sally
For what it’s worth, I enjoy reading ALL the aspects of your blog. I don’t think you should feel like you HAVE to write about the past, but if it helps you to remember, then have at it. But I feel like I know where you’re coming from. And in your present, I enjoy reading about both the good times and the challenging ones. They give me insight into what it will be all about once I jump full force into sobersville. 20 weeks is AWESOME!!! Truly a super accomplishment 🙂 Definitely reason to celebrate with glittery unicorns!