A little slack in my comments and posts lately, but…

1 Apr

11:43 pm

I’m on day 14 (again), and I just wanted to check in and tell you that…I’m on day 14 again. Why? I feel myself slipping. I feel like I can drink now. Or, I can contemplate drinking now. That’s better, yes: I can think about it again. Which is NOT GOOD. Which is, not easy. That little slip was bigger that I thought, I have to admit.

Today I spent a while, let’s just say, staring at the wine selection at a local big box store down here, thinking that I could just “pick up a bottle no big deal.” Except, a bottle’s not enough. And, two, as we have seen, is way too much.

So, I’m going to try harder to connect with this blog, try more and better to keep blogging–like I was last summer, feverishly–and keep replying to all the comments I receive. Granted, 98 percent of my lack of response (well, maybe 95) is a lack of time; but the remainder is the crack in the window, the wolf’s in. If I don’t reply, if I stay quiet…the more I let myself believe that I’m right, and you’re all wrong. That’s simply put, but I think you get it.

So, here’s to 2 weeks. Two. Little. Weeks. Sigh. And, wasn’t it just a few days ago that I was riding high on my unicorn, happy and proud of my “decision” to take the weight of All Those Days off my back so I could continue moving forward? Nonsense.

I envy Belle, hitting that sweet spot where things have changed. I can’t wait to get there, too.

(Btw, I’ve started to crochet again. I’m either old, hip, or a combination of the two. I used to do it as a kid, and I won some crafty awards. It was very meditative, and I hope to find in it that simple, mindful mindlessness that might improve the hours of ambivalence facing me over the next 16 days (I think getting a month under my drinkin’ belt again will help my MIND, alongside my heart, commit to being sober)).

17 Responses to “A little slack in my comments and posts lately, but…”

  1. facingfactsaboutmyself April 2, 2013 at 3:52 am #

    Hang in there. I’m looking forward to seeing you around a bit more :-), from one slacker to another. Take care, Paul.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 3, 2013 at 12:50 am #

      Haha. Sounds like you’re not THAT big of a slacker, with your 80-hour work weeks! I hope the apartment hunt in SF is coming along…?

  2. cleo April 2, 2013 at 4:53 am #

    You are here writing which is the main thing. hang in there girl – the attitude is right. I can relate to all of what you say.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 3, 2013 at 12:51 am #

      Thanks, Cleo! Means a lot to hear from my “readers,” my fellow nondrinkers–it really does! And yeah, I’m here, and still reading, writing, and thinking about it all, and that’s key!

  3. Lilly April 2, 2013 at 7:49 am #

    You’re here, you’re assessing, you’re being honest and you’re not drinking. Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up. I know personally that after having even just an 80 day AF stint, when I drank again it was really, really hard to get back on the wagon. I think I went a couple weeks after the first ‘slip’ before I drank again but I did and then it took months to even get back to 30 days. So, please, keep turning this around. Remember that ‘no big deal’ IS a big deal because if you cave again who knows where it will go or how hard and long you’ll have to fight to find your way back. And can you really afford to lose all you could lose in the process?

    Always here for you babe. Here with the unicorns and the glitter and the nagging and the support. You can do this but as you’ve rightly recognised it’s not a small thing. Recommitting to the blog is a great step.

    xoxo

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 3, 2013 at 12:54 am #

      Aww, thanks, Lilly. It’s so helpful to hear from you on this–you slipped, went two weeks, and then started drinking again. I think that I could very easily go back to that place…and I really, really don’t want to. It’s good to hear how hard it was for you, actually, to get back on the horse after the “no big deal” slip one, and then slip two…mainly because I HAVE been thinking a LOT about having another drink.

      So, yeah. Unicorns and glitter…and nagging and support. I need it all!

      Congrats to you…looks like your sober car is rolling! Mine is right behind… ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Lilly April 3, 2013 at 8:48 am #

        I just happened to stumble upon this from an early post of mine that describes exactly what happened with me after that slip… Just, food for thought… fwiw…

        >>Then, as happens to so many of us, an accidental drink placed in front of me by a waitress on a first-date turned into a โ€˜oh fuck it why notโ€™ moment. After that one drink I think I went another two weeks AF, only to have another small drink, followed by just a few more, followed byโ€ฆ well, you can guess where this is going. DIVE! BAM! Right back down into the bottle and two months later I canโ€™t seem to pull myself all the way out. I keep submerging briefly then sinking again. Last week I drank heavily six nights in a row.>>

  4. Amy April 2, 2013 at 9:02 am #

    You are at a hard part. (Thank you, Captain Obvious) You could crochet yourself a bottle of wine and a glass, then pour as much as you want. Then you could be the crazy sober woman who drinks yarn. Perfect. ๐Ÿ™‚

    That sounds better than a hangover.

    How’s your running?

    And, you are doing just fine. *hug*

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 3, 2013 at 12:58 am #

      Hmmm…I could make a fizzy beverage cozy! NEVER thought about that awesome use of my crocheting skills (to come)!

      I went running for the first time in almost a week and a half. After my longest run ever, 7 miles, last Sat., I seemed to really hurt my left foot. It’s still tender, but I made it 4 miles tonight. Not sure if it’s my gait, my wonky body parts, or my shoes. Anyhoo, it felt GREAT to be back on it today, even with the slight pain/inflammation goin’ on down there.

      Hugs back! *glitter ball*

  5. Belle (Tired2012) April 2, 2013 at 9:44 am #

    i always wonder when you go quiet if it means that wolfie is screaming at you… happy to see you screaming right back! we’ll nag you if you begin to fade. we are fantastic naggers …

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 3, 2013 at 1:02 am #

      Haha. No scream, but definitely whispers. I think I just needed a break to focus on other stuff (a grad school app, a job search!) and, well… Sometimes I feel suffocated enough by the constant “no drinking” mantra that is on repeat in my head that coming here, to read blogs feels sort of like an AA meeting where people are (necessarily, I found out with my slip!) always reminding me of my problem. LOL. But, not to worry, no wolf breathing down my neck. I feel like I’m past that; sure, whispers every day, mostly, but never screams!

      Please do nag! And, I promise to put myself back out on the beam for you to have the chance to nag!

      *glitter ball* *beep beep*

  6. Rebecca A. Watson April 2, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

    Hang in there! You can do it ๐Ÿ™‚ Wine sucks anyway. I know because I’m on day 10 and in the four days you were sober that I wasn’t, things changed. It’s just terrible now. Doesn’t do a thing for you.

    I love to knit and do a little crocheting too! You should join Ravelry and friend me: http://www.ravelry.com/people/RebeccaAWatson

    We can compare projects. It’s super fun and the pattern browser is the best. You can put in the kind of yarn you have, that you want a free pattern and you want it to be crochet and super easy and it will pop up with all sorts of projects you can start.

    OK, I’ll stop rambling ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 3, 2013 at 1:06 am #

      Wow, cool beans! Will def check out that site! I actually have to watch some videos to remind me of the basic stitches.

      It’s SO easy to tell ourselves that wine going to “do something” for us. I have to say, it’s hard getting back on the wagon, mentally. Like, all those milestones met…and then, bam, off the beam. All the more reason to commit, especially in the early days, and treat ourselves for a job well done. I did not do that much during my first two attempts at getting and staying sober; this time I will!

      Congrats on your 10 days! Throwing a glitter ball your way!

  7. sswl April 3, 2013 at 2:49 am #

    Aww, having just read your previous posts, I’m sorry to hear the drinking thoughts were so intrusive the last couple of days. I guess it’s not surprising, all those gimme gimme neuro paths lighting up, like something stirring the muck in the bottom of a pond and all the water turning murky. It’ll pass, as you know. It’s not that I never think about drinking, but it doesn’t take over my brain the way it used to, just flits in and out occasionally.

    Two weeks is a good solid start. Keep going!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 3, 2013 at 4:25 am #

      Thanks, Susan! Yup, as Belle says, sober car coming through! ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. carrythemessage April 3, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

    Glad that you’re here and posting and being honest – that counts for a lot, to be honest. Many of us go through a place where we are delusional – believing our own lies or the lies of the alcoholism – and we can’t even see the storm bearing down on us. What you are describing is the rebuilding of the ego – or your wolfie voice. That’s where it starts to whisper to us that a drink wouldn’t harm us, that it’s ok, that this time it will be *different*. We’ve heard the lies before, haven’t we? I believed that one for years, my friend. So don’t be discouraged to see that this is happening again – it’s par for course for where you are. Keep at it – you’re doing well. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Blessings,
    Paul

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