Reaching out, or, I’m not the only human who has human thoughts?

4 May

9:29 pm

I had some dark thoughts today. I woke up bored, and it just spiraled down from there.

Yes, it’s possible to simply wake up bored. It was hot, I didn’t sleep well, blah blah blah. I then proceeded to sit out on the porch, contemplating just how much “life sucks.” Thoughts like, I’m ready to go, What do I have to live for?, etc.

For most of my years here, in my Human Skin on Planet Earth, I simply did not share these thoughts. Of course, I’m the ONLY person to ever have existential angst, right? And on top of it, despite all my competing thoughts, screaming at me how amazing I’ve got it right about now; I couldn’t lift my head out of the vortex.

This time, I decided to share these thoughts, hoping that it might help. (I was also thinking about drinking, starting to plan it already, and I knew that I had to do SOMETHING else.) So, I emailed Belle, one of my sober pen pals, and then I told my boyfriend about them.

“I’m ready to go.” He was like, OK. “There’s really nothing left for me to do here, in this life.” He was like, Are you going to take the dogs with you? Hmm…I had to think about that.

We all have bad days, I guess. What’s different–and a relief–is that I chose to reach out and share. Even though I was pretty ashamed of these thoughts; as in, what’s wrong with me that I have these thoughts, and worse, what’s even more wrong with me that I can’t control these thoughts, usher them out, and think more positively? I tried to meditate, and that did help a bit.

The afternoon progressed better, though. We went for a longass snorkel at a very local (read: backyard) beach, and then I went to the store and got a bunch of stuff for my upcoming master cleanse (I’ll get to that in a different post). On the errands front, I booked a trip back to that cold east coast city I came from (to investigate that new graduate program I mentioned), took care of my IRA (finally), and…well, you get the point. Moving forward.

I still don’t feel 100 percent awesome right now, but I think that has a lot to do with my master cleanse “prep,” which I may or may not go through with. In this depressed state of mind, I’m not looking forward to staying sober, I have to admit, but onward, fair Unicorn with Sparkly Teeth–to 7 weeks this coming Monday, then 10, then 12, then 90 days…then?

12 Responses to “Reaching out, or, I’m not the only human who has human thoughts?”

  1. carrythemessage May 5, 2013 at 4:32 am #

    Sorry to hear that you weren’t exactly sparkling shiny today, but like you said, we all have bad days. But I was taken with this part of your post:

    “Even though I was pretty ashamed of these thoughts; as in, what’s wrong with me that I have these thoughts, and worse, what’s even more wrong with me that I can’t control these thoughts, usher them out, and think more positively?I”

    I don’t think anyone can control their thoughts. I know I can’t. If I could, I would never have thought about drinking. I would have never had a negative thought ever – I would have banished them for good. I would never judge any one or never gossip or never think anything poor of anyone if I could control my thoughts. Thoughts just happen. We don’t have control over them. I sometimes get the craziest thoughts. I can’t tell you how many times I have had thoughts about ramming the car in front of me because they were too slow. Hundreds. But I don’t do it obviously. I have filters and morals and things like that I utilize to keep me in check. But man, the thoughts are there. But what I *do* have total control over is how I react to them. So your voice says “let’s drink!” and you swat the idea away. Then it’s gone. It might come back. Swat. Swat. I let thoughts drift in and out and just let them be. I don’t give them power. Just thoughts.

    And you doing the meditation was a fantastic idea and a great way to allow those thoughts to drift away and reconnect with yourself, your breath, YOU. I find a recharging in meditation – and it sounds like it helped you.

    We can certainly try to keep our thoughts positive – and for me that just means that when I have a mean or not so nice thought, I turn it around to make it positive. It’s something I have had to practice, but it does work. Believe me, we all get not so nice thoughts…we’d be robots if we didn’t. But don’t be ashamed of it…nothing you can do about thoughts, in general. Yeah, I might feel bad that I had a thought about X, Y or Z, but it’s just how I react that will dictate how I go about things. Pause. Reflect. Then react.

    Great post – love the snorkelling in the backyard…ha ha. And also great that you shared with your boyfriend and here. Coolio!

    Cheers,
    Paul

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 7, 2013 at 5:30 pm #

      Thank you, Paul!! I don’t know why, I’ve always felt…less than, or guilty, or something about these thoughts. Maybe cuz everyone around us says, oh, stop it, or, oh, stop thinking so negatively. And then I’m like, it’s MY fault. Anyway, thank you…

  2. carrie May 5, 2013 at 6:59 am #

    So there are still dark places that we visit even when we are sober, and it sucks. Sometimes life just does suck or at least it feels like that. Getting these thoughts out of your head and sharing how you feel is becoming a new coping strategy for you (and me!, it’s brand new and it’s a pride thing too) and it works. It doesn’t always bring out the fanfares or come with bells on, but it works and sometimes that has to be enough.
    I’m a week in front, 8 wks today! The longer it gets the more scared I get (sometimes) about the seriousness of it all! The endlessness…I like to try and swop that for the anticipation of not knowing where the fuck I am headed, no map and certainly no destination.
    I know where red wine would take me…I am certain of that.
    C x

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 7, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

      Thank you, Carrie!! Yeah…that endlessness is what gets to me. Like, oh, God, when is this going to stop? When do I get my medicine??? But yet, no map IS better than the old way, isn’t it? Great comment…

  3. fern May 5, 2013 at 2:08 pm #

    Sorry to hear you were feeling low. I’ve felt those feelings many times; on my worse days I wish I would not wake up and just leave this world peacefully. But, what would I do with my dog? I know my husband can handle the kids but he’s not so good with my dog!

    You did a great thing by speaking up and reaching out for help. That, my friend, is the answer for us. My next post, when time permit, will be about admitting that I need help and can not be an island unto myself.

    Fern

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 7, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

      I can’t wait to read that post, Fern! Reaching out is SO hard, especially when you feel like no one else could possibly get what you’re feeling…

  4. soberjournalist May 5, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

    I wish being sober stopped us from having bad days but it doesn’t. But I think sobriety makes us better at dealing with the bad days, which is exactly what you’re doing: Reaching out for help, recognising a crappy day for what it is and moving on.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 7, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

      Simply put: recognizing a crappy day and MOVING ON. Sometimes a crappy few days, though… 😉

  5. Sober Life May 6, 2013 at 4:01 am #

    I am sorry you’re feeling down, I hope it passes soon :). Feelings suck sometimes; they come from no where and sometimes they just linger… It’s hard to get used to the fact that it is normal to have bad or down days sometimes even when we’re sober. Strangely enough, I drank because I didn’t want to have those days yet they brought on more bad days. Made no sense! So hang in there, sometimes it’s just like the weather, some days are bright and sunny and some are… not so much. Thanks for the great post!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 7, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

      Thank YOU for this comment! Yeap, good days/weeks come, and so do bad…

  6. destamae May 6, 2013 at 8:16 pm #

    I have nominated you for a ‘shine on’ award! To accept and participate in the fun, go here:http://recoveringbygrace.wordpress.com/2013/05/06/following-through/
    Keep up the great work!

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