1:52 am
That’s how I feel. I’m just bobbing in my inner tube in the middle of the ocean. There’s blue horizon everywhere–possibility–but I’m sort of just USED to it. No big whoop. And then…
CRASH! I run head first into an issue like, I have low self-esteem. Or, I may never speak to my brother again and I’m not sure I want to, and that feels really bad inside. And, all my hip-hip-hooraying for myself fizzes out of me like air from a wet balloon.
For the past several weeks (a month?), the urge to drink has been replaced by the urge to do. To Get Things Done. The necessity to move forward, before It’s All Too Late. I’ve got 12 weeks sober again tomorrow, which is good-fine-great-grand. Whatever, in a way. I really can’t even think about drinking, I have too many important tasks and decisions. Maybe next week, after 90 days? Nah, probably not. Maybe next month, after 100 days? I don’t know…I might be volunteering, or going back to school, or something else huge and stressful (what IS my problem?).
Fortunately, there are no real cravings, is what I’m saying; I’ve basically stomped them into the ground with my rationalizing and true-storytelling (i.e., If you drink, you will feel horrible and do and/or say horrible things). And, this has been absolutely amazing. A relief of the sort I never in a million years would have imagined, let alone hoped for, in sobriety. NEVER. Never never never. (I’m still waiting for the desire to guzzle vino to come roaring back, or even niggling its way in; but so far, so good. FUCK YOU, WOLFIE. HATE YOU VERY MUCH!)
Anyway, tomorrow, aside from finishing an editing project, I want to pitch a few story ideas to an editor. Yes, actually. And, no, I have no idea who this nebulous figure is, said editor, but I do have contacts at the magazine and why not? WHY NOT.
I discovered that, sans wine, I can no longer avoid confronting the existence of my sad, sorry self-esteem. I have major self-esteem issues, and of course, drinking made them worse but also, drinking was just a good cover. I didn’t have to confront them and therefore, I also didn’t have to deal with them. As for pitching, partly, I’m still making excuses why I shouldn’t, but mainly, it’s the rejection I fear now (I guess) more than the work involved in the ensuing project if said editor says yes (or the work involved in pitching more and again and elsewhere if said editor says no). OH, WELL. That’s the writing life, and I am SO SICK OF MYSELF for not actually doing it.
I can do this. And I will. I just have no idea why I haven’t believed in myself enough for this long to not even fucking try.
Like I said, bobbing along and then–BAM! Icebergs! (The good thing about being sober is, you don’t get stuck on the iceberg’s tip and start to freeze to death. You see it, drink in some of its actual stunning beauty, and then, push it aside with your toe. You are, after all, bobbing along in YOUR inner tube, on a summer’s day, blue horizon all around. And, wait, LOOK–there’s the shoreline, and there’s your Unicorn with Sparkly Teeth! She’s waiting for you! She’s still pulling your water wagon and YES, yes she IS holding a nice fizzy drink in one hoof JUST FOR YOU! And you look back, see the iceberg floating away, and sigh, Eh, it was JUST an iceberg…)
Drunky Drunk Girl 
With that determination – I have no doubt how far you will go!!
Hello,
You know, for some weird reason your posts more often than not don’t turn up in my reader. So I’ll go check out your blog and realised I’ve missed a few updates. This is very annoying as (while I shouldn’t name favourites 😉 you are one of my absolute favourite bloggers so I hate missing an update. I just followed and re-followed you to see if that helps.
Anyway! I LOVED reading your last post and am so glad that things went so fabulously in NYC. And imagine if you had drunk – imagine writing that post? Shudder. Imagine how you’d feel now? It hardly bears thinking about. So, yes, sure, you can be feeling great then smack into a ginormous iceberg – I can relate to this feeling so, so well – but please don’t lose sight of how fabulously you are doing in the bigger picture Grand Marshall DDG. Cut yourself some slack. Eat a cookie. Pet the dog. Go for a swim. Watch a stupid movie. You’re FINE.
As for the pitching, god knows times are tough in print land right now so don’t get discouraged if you don’t get acceptances right away (almost everyone is doing it tough so just don’t take any rejection you do get personally is all I’m saying). But you totally have the smarts, writing ability and talent so pitch, pitch, pitch away and think of it as a numbers game.
Also, it is heartening for me, at 40 days to read all this re the cravings and etc. So thanks for that. And whoo hoo!
You’ve got this. You can do anything you set your mind to girlfriend.
xx
Oh, wonderful Lilly, thank you for these words of wisdom! I’ve taken your advice re: pitching pitching and more pitching to heart, and they encourage me to just DO IT.
Yes, I felt really safe in my skin in NYC; I knew I wouldn’t drink and not once did I want to. Well, there was that ONE moment, but…eh, I knew I just couldn’t do it. And, thankfully, I had my friend there who was like, GIRL, don’t you even DARE. Haha.
I haven’t seen a post from you in my reader for a while, but maybe you haven’t posted recently. I will check right now. WordPress is a bit wonky.
And, yes, I’m serious, the cravings have pretty much gone. I mean, sometimes I still think, sort of superficially (like, surface thoughts, but they don’t go to the bone or heart of my feelings), that I might want a glass. But, it’s then, BAM, NO NO NO NO NO. My brain says, NO, stupid stuff will happen, sure, but really, the wine won’t work. It really just won’t. Or, I think, Oh, well, maybe I’ll drink next week. Or, next month, when I’m through this period of work (or whatever tough decisions I’m having to make, which seem like a lot right now). It’ll be there if I
“really need/want it”…and that just carries me forward.
However, if I had to go out and socialize a lot around boozers, like to a bar or club, THAT would make it harder, I’m sure. So, I don’t really do that. I stay on track, and just keep reminding myself that one day, maybe I’ll actually want to go to a bar or club and hang around drunk people. 😉
Many hugs! Hope you’re staying strong. 40 days is amazing!