6:02 pm
I’ve got 90 days coming up tomorrow, and honestly, ehhhhhhh. (I care, but not that much; and, hopefully I’ll be in a better mood, and better able to exist in the certain type of denial that sobriety takes; to enjoy, congratulate, relish. We’ll see.)
Right now, sobriety feels endless. Boring. I have a bunch to do, but don’t want to do any of it. It’ll be there tomorrow, unfortunately, just like my sobriety. Sure, there are few cravings; however, no number of chunks of time or chips from meetings will change that it seems to be an endless stream of…boring. I mean, it’s the same thing, day in and night out. I’ve gotten USED to feeling good, albeit, I’ve never been this chunky around my waist. Somehow, all that wine kept me thin.
I’m bored with sobriety, and I can’t deny it! Would drinking spice things up? I guess I could try to go out and socialize sober, but I really don’t have it in me. In an all-caps kind of way. I miss the escape; I want it. I NEED it.
So, it’s another Saturday night, and I’m on. On all the time. And it’s tiring. All the “Oh, this feels GREAT to be walking home sober”‘s never quite make up for the energy expended just getting through the situation, making myself believe–whispering it over and over and over again in my ear–that it’s better this way and I don’t need to drink and if I did, shit would go down… It’s mentally exhausting because I know it’s not true. Drinking WOULD make it better, at least temporarily. Drinking WOULD give me something to anticipate after a long list of things to do, most of which involve cerebral pursuits; as it stands, it’s all willpower, passing my days reading and writing and then–nothing to take the edge off. There is still more thinking, or not thinking; I’m still aware of it all. And, it never adds up. There is still a hole in the sky called the sun, the passing of time, my own sense of base purposelessness as a human being. Of course, I do have purpose, but I guess I don’t have faith that it’ll carry me through to…what? The other side? An arrival, a final Ahh, now this is IT, it ALL makes sense?
And, I can’t pretend that NEVER going out, and hitting the sack after SNL (I NEVER watched SNL on a Saturday night; the last time I watched SNL was in high school, when I didn’t drink!) isn’t simply getting old! Haha. I mean, I know it’s my fault, but this is how my sobriety has panned out–I can’t imagine it’s that much different for others. Anyway, old. Boring old. Old boring. And, worse is that there’s something much bigger (worse?) about it, I can’t seem to articulate: perhaps it’s the sense that after all the thinking and probing and clearing out, this IS all there is. This is it. Is it?
In fact, it beats me down thinking that I have to be this way–on and present–for the rest of my life. I give up to being on and present! Yet napping and working and reading and EVERYTHING else I do to get through the days is, I know, just a cover. All the tiny gifts and pep talks are just…workarounds. Something deeper–and sad to the point of being neutral, like a huge ocean that is both wonderful and jarringly impersonal–lurks; I cannot deny this.
So, here I sit, wondering what to do with my night. Options galore, but none really matter, at the very end of the day, now do they? I know they don’t, but I have to keep telling myself that they do. I know I want to drink, but I have to keep telling myself that I don’t.
One day at a time (echo echo echo)…
Drunky Drunk Girl 
This is what i like to call: the fuck its! I feel ya, been there, few times, seems to be cyclical. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is all this for, and all the work and all the pep talk too! Ha ! Right! Yep, got nothing to take that edge off, no way to get that ahh feeling. Boring! It seemed easier the other way. And maybe it was; no cares in the world but the bottle. So well, I don’t want to give you yet another pep talk, but really hang in. Don’t give up before the miracle happens! There is more in store! 90 days is a huge accomplishment! Remember how hard it was on day one or two? The sense of how exciting drinking for us is, is just false – this is your disease talking – think back to your last drunk? If it was anything like mine… Definitely not exciting and if it was, I didn’t know it cause I don’t remember most of the night. I woke up on my kitchen floor. Nope not exciting. So for me the best way to get out of a funk of the fuck its is to do something for someone else, in my early sobriety I did alot of volunteering, it made me really grateful and put a whole new perspective on my own life. Sleep on it, chances are you will feel better tomorrow!
Thank you SO much for this. Made my night a lot better, and gave me some perspective. Haha–thank you for the humor…my last drunk was me downing two bottles of red, having a two-hour phone convo with my mom that I don’t remember but I remember enough to know it was humiliating, and, passing out sitting up on the couch. And, the two-day (I think it was three) hangover, of course!
Do something for someone else. Y’know, I’ve been here before, and I think you’re totally right: I am working on setting up some volunteer work as I type this. We’ll see. I think I’m sort of stuck somewhere between my navel and the real world, so I sort of have to push myself out!
Again, thank you so much…
xx
Hi, guess what? It’s Saturday nite and I googled “Sobriety and boredom.” Drunky girl, every.single.word you wrote is exactly EXACTLY (and I mean exactly) articulated from my brain to your blog. I don’t touch the bottle, only the ones w/ the pills in them. But, we are the same. I feel like I’m at my wits freakin end w/ this boredom to the point (ready?) that even a little detox would be chaos to spice things up. Beyond sick, right?
So, as Sober Life said, volunteering, and getting out of our heads. And wait for the miracle? I have already caved to the “fuck its” and guess what? It IS fun, but here I am back w/ myself. I know it’s not the answer and I know it’s early in the recovery struggle but it makes me sad that I feel relief when it’s midnite and the day is over. That’s no way to live. But,after reading what you wrote and that apparently this is EXTREMELY common, is comforting. Also, I forgot about working those “sitting w/ the discomfort” muscles. Ha, there’s an idea.
Anyway, your post was from June, so lots of changes? No changes? Regardless, thanks for expressing my exact thoughts: I didn’t have the motivation to type them myself anyway!:)
I know this is months later, but I needed to read this. This is exactly, EXACTLY, what is driving me off the wall. I’m a little over two months sober. I guess I’m really grateful I haven’t done anything I regret lately, haven’t had any hangovers, haven’t had any blackouts, but I’m SO BORED. Going out sober is stressful. And I miss going out. I miss hanging around people, meeting new people, having crazy stories, etc. I miss the “fuck it” attitude. I’m so worried this is literally all there is. I’m only 22 years old, and I’m torn between the two ideas of should I be getting my life together? Or should I be going out, staying out late, making all the mistakes people in their early twenties should be making? I feel like I’m just wallowing in self-pity and that I should be grateful. I just lose willingness so easily sometimes. Ughh..
I wonder, how is it going now? It’s been a many more months for you now, how are you feeling?