1:11 pm
Picture it: it’s beer o’clock and I’m trying to get the office to go out for drinks. Some people still have work to do, so will join later. OK. Some people would prefer to stay on and finish work that could be done tomorrow. UM…All right. And, some people…don’t want to go. WHAT? You don’t drink? Huh? Wait, WHAT? You don’t WANT to drink?
This was back in my early 20s. It started back then, this distrust and dislike, really, of nondrinkers. And, year after year, like chapters in a book without end, this, MY STORY, kept growing. My early 30s, graduate school, journalists who should have known that drinking was as much a part of the curriculum as First Amendment law cases: What, you’re not sticking around to drink for another three hours? It’s only midnight, bars are open until 4, dudes. And now, mid-30s: What, you have to go and grab food? What, you don’t drink at all? You have kids and a husband to go home to? Wait…What the FUCK are you doing here? Oh, it’s the company Christmas party, I suppose you were invited.
I remember being baffled, really, when coworkers, fellow students, roommates, and friends didn’t want to go out drinking. (Now I realize that maybe *I* was that annoying drunk who, even back in the day when I didn’t black out and go batshit nuts on their asses, was stupid flirtatious, ridiculous repetitive, and simply Not That Interesting.) Baffled, yes. Annoyed, too: how could they rain on MY Parade? And distrustful: don’t they realize how much FUN they’re missing? Don’t they understand that THIS is where the deals, so to speak, are made?
And, I won’t deny it: I had MUCH different relationships with coworkers, let’s say, with whom I drank after work. Of course, we became actual friends. More than that, we were able to let our hair down, get to know each other outside the cubicle. And, a lot of the time, drinking after work led to positive things, like interoffice romances (where else did you meet men if you were in your 20s in the ’90s?), business partnerships, and if anything, a lot of hilarious–and good–memories.
Would I take back all the experiences that were brought by drinkin’? Not those of my 20s, that’s for sure. My early 30s, though, at least a good portion of them. I think I did myself more harm than good by staying at the bar from 5 pm to closing at 4 am–with my fellow grad school classmates, who were, actually, judging me because every turn was really a test, not a game of who could drink the most. I lost out, for sure, when my drinking after work at one job led to me being fired for missing two entire work days because I was, um, being held in a cell with 20 other women waiting to sit before the judge on public intoxication, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest charges (and worse, I’m sure; I never asked the lawyer).
A part of me now totally gets my old boss, who simply never touched alcohol. I hated her for that, but I can actually appreciate her choices now. I GET those people who declined going out in favor of going home to cook dinner and get ready for another day of work. I GET those others who came, had three beers, and left…because, um, they were drunk and it was a school night.
What I don’t get is why I feel like THEY won, and I LOST. I’m bitter, I guess, and in a way, I’m bitter a little bit toward them for NOT TELLING ME TO GET MY ASS HOME. You’re a smart girl, why are you doing this to yourself?, I wish I had heard more and louder. There must have been friends who said this to me, but for the most part, in my 20s and 30s, when I was getting worse and worse, everyone else seemed to not really care. Or, maybe they were just thinking, “I’m glad it’s her and not me.”
In any case, it’s pretty clear that I’ve lost my distrust of teetotalers now, and know the answer to the question, Why don’t you drink? What I don’t know the answer to is, What took me so long to figure it out?
Drunky Drunk Girl 
This is a really good description of how things looked for me (and how my mind worked) in my 20s-mid 30s too. Really excellent writing. I haven’t commented in awhile but always read your blogs and I’m so glad to see that you are kicking ass and building a strong sober life. I’ll hit one year on 7/29 and I remember finding your blog very early on in sobriety…helped tremendously to read your entries and feel less alone. Keep kicking ass, sister!
Chicago! Wow, seems like a lifetime ago, doesn’t it? Congrats on your YEAR coming up–awesome stuff. Glad to hear from you, and you keep kicking ass, too!
Because we don’t see clearly until we remove the rose tinted specs we were wearing when it comes to alcohol. Denial is so much more than just the lying. It’s a beast that lives in us and squashes down emotions, clarity and common sense. It overrides our intelligence and we are not even aware it’s happening!
Only we can remove denial and we have, we got it’s number now!
Yes, denial…and a lot of fear. Fear of doing things that, well, scare us. For me, fear of expressing anger, resentment, negative feelings–guess what? Explosion time when I drank! But, we do what we have to, and it was a good coping skill while it worked…and helped us get the courage to face things sans the cover-up. So, good for us! xxx
Are you writing about you? Or about me? Wow, spot on.
I think as my disease progressed I just found friends that were in lower and lower positions in life so that I never really noticed how bad I had become. I turned 40, eight months ago and it was a real wake up call. Most 40 year-olds weren’t doing the things I was doing without carrying some pretty strong labels. I just didn’t have the sense to realize that I was carrying a label too…”ALCOHOLIC”.
The person I am now would never have been invited to any of my social outings. That’s a good thing.
Love the last line! In my case, the person I am now would be invited…because they know I won’t black out and do something stupid!
These days, I’m starting to equate my “bottoms” with my “wake up calls.” And, isn’t an awakening a GOOD thing, the best, highest consciousness we can achieve? It’s like, it finally clicked; we finally become aware and said, No more! It’s our highest self, at these so-called bottoms, you know?
Congrats on your 100-some days! Rock on!
1 – I’ve never really heard of people who became successful because they drank. I’ve wanted to be successful since I graduated HS.
2 – My parents never drank around me growing up so it wasn’t the “sensational escape” most teens make it out to be for me. I think a lot of kids get excited about bar hopping and drinking because it’s seen as cool and they want to fit in, etc.
3 – When I was 19 working in a retailer quite a few of the other teens, particularly the girls, were floored that I didn’t drink. They assumed I did because I was such a laid back guy and got along with everyone. It led to conversations to really see if I was telling the truth and a lot of invitations by girls to buy me drinks and go out. I guess they were excited at the prospect of seeing me disarmed. It actually made me feel good about my decision not to drink.
4 – When I actually did go to a 21st bday (I was three months away from 21) with rampant underage drinking I saw I was one of only two to opt out. There was so much collective stupid in one room that the birthday boy, a diabetic, went unconscious during the party from all the drinking and needed medical assistance. I felt like I wasn’t missing anything at all by the time I called the ambulance, told the drunks what the medics told me (that he could have gone into a coma) and left home.
I just turned 26 and still haven’t had a drink. I’m also still single, though. Not drinking pretty much takes you out of the dating pool, but its okay with me. I’ll find my girl sooner or later when I least expect it.