11:07 am
It’s a new day, and I’ve got some perspective. Still not bouncing off the walls, but grateful for all I do have.
My life right now seems to be all about wrangling with my perspective, like a cowboy (cowgirl) on a live bull. I’m the cowgirl (obvs), and the bull is my mind. Perspective is the movement, the taming, the wrangling of that bull by me.
I had an acupuncturist who once told me that she didn’t come to be a kung fu master and a rock solid presence without hard work. Day in, day out, hard mental work. Wrangling, I think she meant. I was a self-pitying, 115-pound, freezing-cold MESS when I first went to visit her, and to this day, I remember her steaming look: take responsibility. We all have to wrangle the bull.
I’m going to work today, and then take comfort in some hobbies, which include tomato plants and dogs. Enjoy the sun. Go for a swim, or a snorkel. Honor my past, and my choices. Try to read a bit of Paradise. (Toni Morrison is a genius writer, but man, it’s hard to get through her prose with a foggy brain; still, I will try.) And, hopefully, realize that I CAN do this, if I want to, sans meds.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I was going to reply to your previous post last night but I was very sleepy. You sound much better today, I’m glad about that. A big part of BEING sober for me is to get through the blahs, had a 2 day spell last week. I don’t really know what I was expecting life would be like when I stopped drinking, there have been some holes to fill and its been awkward. There have been satisfying moments, too. No pink clouds so far….maybe never. Still, its better than the alternative.
Thank you, and yes, it IS better than the alternative. I mean, I just keep going back over the past 15 years and seeing how wine simply never helped. It hurt, and hurt, and hurt. So…this is the new way, and it has to be good. And, it is. I mourn my “old self” sometimes, but it comes and goes. xx
The rehab I went to had a position that all forms of addiction are simply people self-medicating against a form of depression. Because of that they were very anti people taking anti-depressants, indeed they had people in there in treatment to get off decade habits of those kind of drugs. I don’t know I’m split on it, I have friends in recovery who have seriously debilitating depression that then have to survive on meds.
I know that I had some serious “downs” in my early time in recovery, esp after the first year or so and when my Mum died a couple of years in. However I did fight it and do it without the meds as I know with a mind like mine (i.e. an alcoholic one) I’ll be true that I do worry I’d abuse them some how – even if only by forcing an up dose or prolonging the treatment.
However I was diagnosed with Migraine Associated Vertigo some years back. The migraines are funny they sneak up without a huge pain problem but frankly if I don’t take drugs it is a major issue for me. I have a range of drugs I move through but on the list is a strong prescribed codeine containing drug. An opiate (you may hear a loud klaxon blaring now, with a “what the hell is he doing” warning) but actually I only use it rarely, learning to take the other less dangerous stuff early helps reduce the times I need it and I stick to the rules on never taking it for more than three days on the trot.
So if you need meds – use them as told to – that is the answer isn’t it… But also if the “down” is that, is the alcoholic brain telling you you need something to feel better then fight it with work, hobbies, exercise (in moderation!) etc.
Another awesome comment. Wow, thanks. I love the genius I get in return for my online rants! LOL Anyway, yes, I can see how taking meds is essential to dealing with migraine pain, and your method seems to be working fine. I think there are meds that are classified as addictive (opioids) and those that are not (antidepressants). Antidepressants scare me b/c of what you said, having to “exist” on them instead of on wine. I want to rewire myself back to “normal,” but sometimes I truly wonder if that’s possible w/out antidepressants to sort of help me along. Then again, there is no conclusive evidence, as far as I’m aware, that antidepressants one, work, two, work they way we think they do. Scientifically speaking, they are still a bit of a black box. Also, there is absolutely no evidence (yet) as to what happens after taking them long-term–we don’t have it yet. All that being said, I feel better (mood swing!), and frankly, I don’t think I’m going to make any kind of move in that direction until I’ve got at least a year sober under my belt, maybe longer. I can manage. Thank you so much. xx
I’ve been lurking : -). So I have a sense . . . and for you, I recommend perhaps skipping Morrison right now. She can wait! Try Eleanor Henderson’s Ten Thousand Saints, Anne Enright’s The Gathering (to tap into darkness but in a good way), and the astounding, perfect A Short History of Women (Kate Walbert). Each will transform and lift. Promise!
Wow, thank you! I should just ask for fiction recommendations, eh? Thanks… 🙂
i love the wrangling the bull comment. perfect.
Haha. Right???
Another lurker here…..! I just wanted to let you know about a post that was linked by another sober blogger that you might find helpful. I don’t know how to imbed it using my iPad (sorry!). The blog is indisincted.blogspot.com. The post is called “what’s with all this depression?”. It’s about the struggle with depression after becoming sober. It helped me see it all in a different light. I hope it helps. Good luck on your journey. I love your blog.
Wonderful. Thanks for this. Yes, I have always thought–for decades–that my depression and depressive episodes were the BEST thing for my creativity, were what made me, me! Lately, though, I think it’s simply the chemical imbalance (temporary) brought on by lack of wine that is more aggravating than depressing. I used wine for a damn long time. It’s going to take a damn long time for my brain chemistry to right itself, at least to the point of being able to enjoy normal, everyday things to a noticeable degree again. Thanks for reading… xx