8:39 pm
These days, I’ve become so used to such a parade of thoughts and feelings cycling in and out of my head (and heart) that I typically don’t know where to begin on these posts.
Write about what you know, someone smart once said.
I know about money. Well, I know about looking for it…maybe a little bit TOO MUCH. All my life, I’ve been avoiding my creativity with the excuse, But I need to make money. And well, I actually did, and I still do (need to make money). Lately, earning money–looking for work, to be exact–has become my number one stressor! I don’t have enough of it, money. I won’t have enough of it, literally. Yes, that would be me, staring back at you with my “Wachu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” expression frozen onto my face whenever I hear about someone ELSE starting their own business, writing or otherwise. REALLY? WHY? What I wouldn’t fucking GIVE for a 9-to-5 job these days, somewhere to go where ya tell me what to do, and I do what ya tell me, and then ya pay me. Every two weeks.
Earning money has become my single biggest focus, and stressor. These days, it’s hard for me to even stay motivated for what seems like a neverending job search let alone remain jazzed enough about all the subject matter to ingest and write about it! Not only do I need money, but I need structure. I mean, how do others do it? I wake up anxious, frustrated, and sort of pissed off every morning; I’m so tired of looking for projects, fretting about finding them, pitching stories into black hole-email accounts! Others do it, and do it happily. Or, is that AFTER all the initial startup angst? To wit: it is October 3 and I have approximately 30 days to not only find, but EARN (that means, checks in the mail and/or deposited) $2800. While that doesn’t seem like much, it is. The publication cycle can take months, sometimes YEARS. I know I might be fooling myself and should have found a full-time job a long time ago, but it’s like, if others can do it, why shouldn’t I be able to?
There are so many things going through my head that wouldn’t otherwise be doing so if I wasn’t living here, too. It’s eye-opening to see just how many people are unemployed, or underemployed (ahem). It’s also disheartening to realize that NO ONE gives fuck about us! I mean, it’s easy to ignore the unemployment problem (nationwide, it’s still at about 7.5%) when YOU’RE EMPLOYED. This gets at the heart of a much larger problem which is that people aren’t raised to cooperate, they’re raised to compete. Even on this island–I should say, especially–there are so few jobs relative the the number of people who need and want jobs. I’m not local, and I’m white, so…yeah, it’s more difficult for me for various historical (lingering socioeconomic effects of the slave trade and colonization, to be blunt), social (my qualifications and work ethic might intimidate current employees), and cultural (I don’t have family here, so I don’t have an inside hookup) reasons.
All this should make me want to drink, and it did. It does. Today, it did a little bit.
However, here’s where physical activity comes in! Instead of thinking about drinking, I said, I’m out of here, and went to the beach. I hiked, and swam, and floated, and almost fell asleep in my beach chair. And by the end of it all, four hours later, I felt changed. Cleansed. A shift had occurred and a lot of the negativity had been washed away.
I also met a gold digger on the beach. Kind of literally. A guy who works in gold mining (I’m sure he’s got beaucoup bucks, but he didn’t want to talk much about his “work”). We chatted for a while and after, I realized I was glad. Glad for the connection. Glad for the human contact. Glad he reached out (of course, he did; my bad, but I still shy away from making “the first move” in initiating conversation these days). He’s not “from here,” and he’s new, so he’s able to see all the bad stuff and remind me that no, I’m not imagining things.
And then, I got to come home to an island house, walk two happy dogs, and make my go-to comfort foods du jour: mac and cheese and chana masala (still getting it right, but I figured out that food processing the tomatoes instead of dicing them makes for a much richer sauce).
And then, I wrote this. I feel like I can exhale now. Continue on. If I keep working, everything will turn out OK, worry or not. At least I’m sober, right? YES. All of this would be so much more dramatic and difficult if I was drinking. Do I want to drink? A part of my mind says yes, and that part is irrational and not worth acknowledging, at least tonight.
Happy almost-Friday!
Drunky Drunk Girl 
oh boy. i think there’s so much tied up in how we view money, how we earn it, and how we feel about ourselves… it’s so complicated, and yet here you are, doing it. sober. and running. which helps flush out the demons. life is definitely more ‘dramatic and difficult’ with booze. instead, sober, we just have things to deal with. and we get shit done. hugs from me.
YES. Here I am, doing it. Maybe not really succeeding, and soon to be maybe running from it with my tail between my legs, but at LEAST I am trying to do it. Sober, for sure. I can’t imagine having the option of that “pause” button right now, cuz I think I’d just glue it down, have it be on “pause” forever.
I am listening to you podcast as I write this–I love your voice! I love just hearing you talk. Very…grounding. I have enough confidence now to go back to my editor and ask (beg) for more work. 😉 HUGS back atcha.
I took a decision to try something new in my life this year so I’ve cut work back to only 2 days a week. I was happy with that, until I realised … I don’t earn enough to pay all the bills. But some of the bills could go – some now have, I don’t pay for the daft tv subscription to a channel to watch a few rugby games a year – yes I miss it I can only get a free highlights programme now but it saves some pennies.
It still keeps me awake some nights though – so mad, I actually have a fair bit in the bank, I’ve been lucky to be employed almost continually for 30 years and have been careful in the good times. So why worry… cos it will run out – my brain just shouted that! Whatever – I could not be here anymore when that happens…
But work is so intrinsic – you meet someone new at a party… “What do you do?” they say – they mean work, they are judging you, themselves against you etc. When this happened they other week at a party I said “I only work part time, I’m starting a course but mostly I love being with my family and playing the guitar” – I’d have added being sober but it wasn’t the right setting for opening up like that. This guy moved on, I soon heard him talking with someone else about how he was busy setting up the Italian office. He only wanted someone with who he could re-affirm why he is chasing something they’d aspire to and he could feed something off that I presume, he clearly didn’t think I was going to offer him what he wanted in the conversation as work was so low in my priorities.
Yes, work is intrinsic. I’ve run into comments about my work life now, but not a big deal to me. I’ve never been one to brag about the number of hours I work! These days, even less.
For writers, it might be easier cuz it’s either just more acceptable to be in your own world, working more unconventional hours, or…more acceptable that you’re the “crazy” one, doing her own thing. My bank account is getting really low, and I’ll probably have to go back to a full-time job soon.
I have to make sure to reign in the black and white thinking, though. Just cuz I don’t “succeed” at this now doesn’t mean I can’t keep on doing it when I’m working somewhere else.
It sounds like you’ve made a great change–I’m ALL for enjoying the precious time we have, rather than putting it all into making money! I feel like I have fewer hours in the day now that I’ve slowed down, you know? I can go for a swim/spend some time with my bf, walk the dogs, cook–things I NEVER did when I was in the rat race.
New directions are awesome; having the courage to pursue them is even more awesome! Congrats…