12:10 pm
I just saw (haha, who am I kidding, I still count days) that tomorrow will be 280 days sober. Holy crap, that’s really close to 300, which is impossibly close to 365 in March. And then–I just found out, and couldn’t be more thrilled–my brother’s getting married in May, so…there’s THAT to stay sober for. And, my 40th birthday (Jesus, wtf?) is in June, and by then…well, let’s just say, there’s never a good time to start drinking again than there is a MUCH BETTER reason not to. Damn it.
In reading Belle’s post the other day–and, in feeling a few tears prick to my eyes as I remembered the dark, horrible days of less than a few years ago–getting sober takes a lot of patience. Of waiting. Of repetitive action. Of training your mind to think a certain way, primarily, to stop thinking about drinking. And, most of the time before you get over the hump, it’s a big, fat pain in the ass.
I also remember being pretty well convinced–up until about September of this year, so that put me around 15 months from when I first started getting sober, and 7 months of continuous sobriety–that I would never truly enjoy anything again without wine. I couldn’t get jazzed about anything, whether it was eating dinner, watching a movie, going on a vacation, or work. Seriously, I lost a LOT of income getting sober; I just could not muster the motivation to work.
Now, we’re talking, months, years–it took me a long time to bounce back. BUT, you know what? It happened. Even for me–is 18 months an unusually long time for the pink clouds to move in? I’m not sure, but it did finally happen. And, it will happen for you, too. The amount of time it takes to regain your sense of motivation–an authentic desire to do things without being drunk, without the reward of being able to get drunk–is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life, you know?
Remember: you only have to go through this healing shi–I mean, process–once, if you stay the course.
I feel free now. Yes, of course I have pangs. Yes, of course I think about moderation. But, for the most part, lately I’ve found myself asking, Why? I feel fine. Why start drinking again? I never drank to have fun in the end; I drank to feel better, to mask my depression and anxiety. I drank because I was afraid of starting things, afraid of failing at the thing I wanted most–to work in the creative field, to be able to freely express myself. I drank, ironically, because I wasn’t doing what I was meant to do, and the more I put it off, the more “stuck” I got, and the more I drank.
Now? I don’t need to drink. I don’t NEED to drink. Other folks may have drunk no matter how they were feeling. Sure, in the beginning, I drank to celebrate, but looking back, I was always searching, seeking, feeling empty and hole-ish. Now? I’ve addressed some of that shit–work, life, love, family. I have those things now, and I don’t need wine anymore to fill the hole(s). I have a different perspective, too, on holes, and on filling, and on waiting, and on life.
I also had two really instructive slips, or “attempts at moderation.” My slips were essential–abso-fucking-lutely essential–in getting me to fully commit to a longer period of abstinence. And, what I didn’t see coming changed my mind, in a way, about moderation: I drank a slight amount of alcohol and it made me feel bad. Really weird. It didn’t work–what a surprise! Soooo, no buzz anymore? Great. At least now I can stop wondering and move on.
It’s not exactly that simple, but you get the point. I still wonder about moderation, but I definitely don’t think about drinking–or not drinking–much at all anymore. My habit now is to not drink. Drinking seems like something from a bygone era, a habit I used to have but no longer do. It’s like, I got married and fell in love after the fact, you know? I’ve come to rely on–even enjoy–being sober!
I feel free. I made up a story about myself, something like, you’re always going to feel that pull, you’re never going to be free of the desire to drink. You’ll never have any fun again: you’ll never feel like going on vacation again, sober; you’ll never be able to pitch and write stories again, sober; you’ll never really, truly enjoy anything ever again, sober. Guess what, wolfie, you little piece of shit? You were wrong. Like a mirage, wolfie seems to be fading into nothing–a cloud of dust on the horizon.
Friends: hang in there, and enjoy your holidays. No matter what you think, or what you think you feel–no matter the stories you tell yourself about yourself–just keep not drinking. Stay sober, even if you have to force the fun, even if you don’t feel like forcing the fun. Even if you’re so fucking SICK of thinking about not drinking. IT WILL GET BETTER. Your story is SO much bigger than you know, than you can predict–a thousand times better and more amazing than you’re telling yourself it is, before it’s even happened. Take it from me, a non-believer turned holy-shit,-is-this-real-life?
I’m heading off for a few days on a real vacation–no computer, no phone! It’ll just be strolling, eating, beaching, and wow, maybe even reading a book! It’ll be sparkly, and there will be a few pangs, but in the end, this story–with all its real characters, a real plot, real things and people and places, real feelings–is way, WAY better than the one I was telling myself just a few months ago, let alone a few years ago, as I spent the holidays alone with my 14 bottles of wine and no memory to prove any of it ever happened (and, wishing that most of it actually didn’t).
Happy (sober, but sober is life and life is sober now, right?) Holidays to all.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Holy shitballs DDG look at where you’ve got to??!! All solid and positive and just so robustly sober. What a fantastic post, I am so happy for you, man you put in some gritty work for sure but look where you are now!! So great. Wishing you an awesome Christmas xxx
Awwww DDG – this was an awesome post. “I’ve come to rely on being sober.” I love that line. Sober is my new best friend, my identity. I didn’t used to LOVE the word sober – sounded like I used to be a drunk. Now I embrace the word. I worked hard to own it. I’m not letting it go. I hope you have the most awesome Christmas and New Year. Enjoy your vacation. Hugs!
Well if I didn’t know better I’d say, who is this girl??
You stuck it out through all of the toddler-but-why-can’t-I-have-it tantrums (I have them too, just you write about it so well!) and here you are, sitting sparkling at Christmas on your long overdue pink clouds.
I am so happy to read this – there is no fixed amount of time (though we are going to hit a year in the same week!) but if you stick with it, it comes. It’s really is not WANTING to drink/get wasted/be drunk anymore. It’s experiencing so much time where you realise when you add it all up (even the sucky bits) it really is the WAY TO GO!.
It’s realising it really does rock and your not faking it anymore and you don’t know when you stopped faking it, but you look around and it feels like you have a choice again, but this time you choose sober, rather than it choosing you!
Happy vacation, I am so proud of you.
Carrie x
I really needed to read your words today. I’m sober and I’m at the point of no return — like you, I don’t want to go back to drinking — but there’s not much fun in sobriety right now. Thanks for the positive words you offer a glimmer of hope that motivation and joy will return.
Fern
Well done. You’ll get to 300 if you keep doing what you keep doing.
Just checked my calculator I’ve gone through 3500 days!!!! Just by walking the walk today.
This is a really inspiring post. It’s wonderful to see how far along you’ve come in rethinking the drink, and in changing your whole life in the process. I’m in the middle of that very same rethinking–abstinence? moderation? I don’t know. So it’s great to read about how well things have worked out for you. I especially appreciate what you say about habit–it takes a lot of just plain doing before the feeling comes along with it. Congrats on 200 days! And enjoy that vacation.
This is so lovely to read and so inspiring. Thank you! X
I needed this today – I screwed up again last night and have been beating myself up quite a bit. But your words are so encouraging that I know I can’t just throw in the towel – the tough parts will suck but the reward is so worth it – I hope! Congratulations on 200 days- wow!
‘Your story is so much bigger than you know.’ I love this. LOVE it. Thank you (and have a wonderful vacation!).
Kristi
Congratulations on 200 days! Your words and Carrie’s response is so motivating. I am taking your word and going to hang on tight to sobriety. God bless everyone around me thru my mood swings and tantrums. I can’t say I read any blogs or heard someone say after a long period of time bring sober it was better going back to drinking. I wish you a Merry Christmad and many blessings in 2014. Enjoy your fabulous beach vacation, you deserve it!
I just found your blog this morning perhaps serendipity was involved. I “made it”, even enjoyed Christmas, but woke up with an anxious, wandering mind. What you have written is exactly what I needed, inspiring and real! I’ve enjoyed my morning reading your posts. Thank you! P.S. I’ll be at 100 Days when you hit 301 Days!
This is so what I needed to hear right now, in fact I’m almost in tears. After a year long stint with opiates and alcohol I just want my life back, but once you cross that line it feels like nothing will ever be the same without it. And I’ve only been sober oh for about 24 hrs now. It’s such a battle, I don’t even know if I have the willpower to do it as much as I want to, so kudos to you on your ‘almost’ 300 day mark. Your blog has been really inspirational, so for that I am thankful. It’s nice to know not EVERY day will feel like hell. Best wishes.
-Vinnie