5:18 pm
I just wanted to check in and say, all is well, if not busy. I’ve been so 100 percent focused on that whole making-a-living thing, that it’s literally been non-stop this week. I haven’t thought much about drinking, and even confronted the worst of the worst, which saw me leave (yet another) amends apology to my bro’s girlfriend, this time via a voicemail message. I didn’t feel one way or the other afterward, even though it’s been bugging me for 2 whole years. It needed to be done, but frankly, I don’t want anything from her. Maybe that’s not the correct way to think, but after everything, I just don’t feel like I care anymore–this isn’t about righting a wrong anymore, it’s about her playing games. Making the amends to her (again) left me feeling if not utterly unaffected, then hollow and angry all over again. I don’t know. At this point, I’m beginning to realize that some people NEED to be let go.
On that note, I’m exhausted and heading into a disastrous cooking experiment: I was going to slow cook a chicken, but ended up trying to cut it up instead. Ugh–barbaric. And, kind of like, WAY gross. I think I might go back to being a vegetarian after this.
More soon! Hope everyone is letting it go/not caring. Don’t let your recovery define you, and don’t take your “amends” too seriously–what will be, will be. You can’t change the past, and it takes two to reconcile and decide, together, to move forward in a relationship.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Thanks….reading your posts is really helping me adjust into my new “skin”. Up until today I was fixated on how others were viewing my progress….well, a friend who lives 600+ miles away still thinks I drink and will not believe a word I say (and commented that my weight loss was due to drinking…yeah, my FB photo was his only reference)….anyways, I decided to not answer his email (not brave enuff to call me I guess) and realized that for once I should be selfish for a good reason….I can’t please everyone, so I’m gonna focus on ME.
Good for you! And, you’re exactly right: focusing on you might seem selfish to you, but it’s really the way things should be. Meaning, all those people who seem to be so self-centered, literally–are they not with it, happy, able to zone out the negative? I’ve always been a save-the-world type, with a huge dose of people-pleaser. It’s not that I want to change that, but when I start to lose balance, I see that it is because I am starting to put other people first again and ignore my needs in favor of *what I assume to be theirs,* regardless of the fact that I have no idea what they want or need, and wowie, maybe they don’t want or need anything from me! I’ve struggled with accepting that it’s OK to put me first, but man, it sure has helped me stay sober! Much love, and yes, early sobriety is one time in your life when it really IS OK to put all your focus on self. xx
Gosh – thank you for that on the amends thing. I just made one to my dad and it threw me off for a few days. Some of it is still throwing me off actually. Thanks for reminding me not to take myself too seriously. š
And I’m with you on chicken. That’s why I try to eat veg as much as possible. Ugh. Gross.
I’ve been trying to reach out to new blogs, and found you the other day through…Heather Kopp? Anyway, wow, you have such an interesting past, and a perspective on life that is well beyond your 25 years! Good stuff. YES, congrats on that amend–it sounds like it was a major one, considering what you’ve gone through with him. And, yeah, while I take myself really seriously, I am trying more and more to put myself in their shoes–are they even thinking about it? And, to remember that what happened is NOT what I am thinking about what happened now–in other words, I don’t have to “re-live” things in my head for all eternity. I try to get out of my head by remembering that I am, in fact, inside my head, and that nothing bad or hurtful is still happening. Thanks for your comment! xx
I’m coming up on making amends and this really helped in regards to my brother’s wife. Thanks!
Awesome! Stay strong, my thoughts are with you…
Hi, there! A very honest post, DDG. I’ve always considered the apology/amends to be for the benefit of the other person. Whatever benefit I might get from the apology/amends, if any, is secondary.
You are spot on when you say that it takes both parties to reconcile and decide where to go from there. I make my offer of apology/amends, then I have to step away from the results and accept that “whatever will be, will be.
Great post. Thank you.
Thanks for this, Ron. Most of the time, I am so scared and nervous about the amends–which is why this phone call (voicemail, thank God) was a big deal (the worse thing I did, the more afraid I am to get in touch!). I have a really hard time sitting with someone NOT forgiving me (always wanting to please people, is what it boils down to), as well as confrontation, so… Yes, I’m learning to let go, to “not care,” to let what will be, be. xx
Working on amends has been a considerably long process for me. Littered with mistakes! One I shan’t bother you too much with but I decided since someone had been ill (heart attack) I needed to tell them that I’d forgiven them for something that actually they’d never done, just how I’d perceived it. Frankly after speaking to them I realised what a total dog’s dinner I’d made of it. Luckily they showed the good grace to let it go themselves!
Others were big – my brother I had a long list of resentments – with a big one at the top. One day in a tea shop I spoke to him about it – he explained how that had come about – by the time he’d finished it was gone – vanished it was no longer an issue for me and hadn’t been for him clearly. All the others melted away in that moment too – we’re back to good buddies now like we were as teenagers, we’re off on holiday with him and his wife in the summer for example.
Others I continue to make on a daily basis – esp to my wife and my kids. I can’t ever do anything to repair the years of daily crap they had to put up with from me, missed appointments, broken promises, a sad man in the corner unable to take part in the life of the family, the rows, the anger and the petulant shows of rage, the hiding in a bathroom shaking while your Dad rages about, the picking my head off the rug you love out of a pile of puke etc. A useful list for me to remember… However today, I’m sober, I meet my obligations, I try to be there for them – every day I pay a very very small part back to them and I’m grateful that they are willing to receive it, I’m very lucky that they are.
Hi, there,
Your honesty here is really amazing. Gosh, I made a ton of mistakes, too–mainly, being “bitter and angry” back at people for not accepting or forgiving my horrible behavior! Silly, I know. But, with a couple people, like my brother’s gf, I’ve realized that I simply can’t expect anything from them, even what I would consider reasonable. What is that, though? I was not on the receiving end. Point is, I have to move forward. And, yes, continue making amends daily to my close ones–like, even the dogs suffered, and every time I go down to pet them, I can’t help but be like, I don’t ever want to make you sit under the truck out of fear again, as I bang and scream about the house. lol Thanks for your comment…
Oh boy, you are hitting me where it hurts! The amends process is the one part of my sobriety that I have dragged my feet on for my entire sobriety… you don’t have the time for all the rationalizations I have come up with to put this off! And the reality is this: it will never get any easier; in fact, quite possibly I am making it more difficult with each passing day. Hearing your tale of “just doing it” with your brother’s girlfriend will hopefully inspire me to get off my butt, because it’s been over 2 years for me too!
Thanks for sharing this, and inspiring me to get going!
Yeah, me, too. It took me two years to call her–of course, I sent emails, letters, and texts, but…she wanted a phone call. The only reason I forced myself to do it was cuz my other brother is getting married in May and I don’t want it to be totally awkward or worse, when we finally are forced to see each other face to face! So…yes, not that “heroic,” but boy, did I feel relieved. I did my part, and now, I can sort of move on. Just do it, for you, if it is really an amends that is bugging you/gnawing at you–remember it’s for you, and you win, however they respond.
I’m so glad I found your blog – I’m new in my recovery (1 week today!) and I’ve been looking for others on the Interwebs who are going through the same process. Can’t wait to read more! I’m blogging about my journey as well!