11:17 am
Great piece on a heroin addict’s addiction through his own eyes in NY Mag today. So many spot-on points about what addiction does to the mind, and to our sense of pride. Please read!
Do you ever worry that you’ll relapse?
No, I don’t. I mean, I think the reality is that there’s a slight chance everybody could relapse, but I don’t worry about it. It doesn’t even cross my mind. It was such a deep, dark destructive journey for me, and recovery — the whole process of being where I am now — has been so enlightening that I can’t even think what would push me back down that line.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Thanks for sharing the link.
You’re welcome!
I don’t worry about relapse on a daily basis. I recognise it is a possibility and I do work to resist that etc.
In my first few months I was thinking “When will I have a slip?” as though it was required to prove to me but actually I think I wanted to prove to others I really really was an alcoholic. But I didn’t slip.
I spoke with my sponsor many times about it. One conversation I vividly remember he just looked at me in a moment of silence and said “It isn’t obligatory you know…” I looked at him – why had I picked him as my sponsor? He had a sobriety I admired. He was over 10 years sober. He was respected around my local groups. When he spoke I often was drawn in (I still am) as he talks just like I’m feeling and thinking at times. He had phoned AA after a drink in a pub on a Sunday lunchtime and gone to a meeting that very same evening – he’d never picked up a drink again since that time. Suddenly this obsession I’d have that I had to slip went away. I can’t really describe why other than acceptance I accepted it wasn’t required and that I was creating all this nonsense in my head. One of the most pivotal moments in my recovery that has been so far.
Right. “Relapse” is a choice, and one that occurs over a period of time. Might be a bad choice, but it’s still a choice; it’s not like some invisible force is going to grab your hand and open a bottle. Relapse is a mindset. Relapse is telling yourself that you can drink again and take it or leave it; when really, you can’t. I don’t understand why this fear of slips or relapse. YES, some people will go out and hurt themselves or others on the first binge back; but more likely, it’s a gradual process of giving up what you’ve built (relying on your new coping mechanisms) in favor of relying on alcohol (which may or may not even work anymore, as far as giving you a high).
My boyfriend was a major drunk for 20 years…third generation alcoholic. He sometimes says he thinks he can just drink once again, and yes hes fallen off. But its easy to tell that hes been “slurping” as we call it. He calls me and babbles…and I know. Problem is we are having his first child…and I admit that the falling off puts me on edge. We both have a lot to lose. hes been “99.5% sober” for over a year and I still see him struggle to adapt. He thinks drunk Bill was fun, when in truth, he was only a little because he wasnt withdrawn or anxious….the bulk of the time he was assholian in nature. And thats something i know he doesnt see. Throwing up off the side of my very public front porch in his red underwear….yeah thats a place i know he doesnt remember.
The funny thing is that despite all the gross weird icky parts of being an alcoholic, he still says he did it to have fun. Maybe he only remembers those parts. I dont know…but get that hes got social anxiety off the charts. Hes very smart…misses nothing. I cant get much by him, if anything (just try slipping in a valentines or birthday gift unnoticed!) Sober, he forgets little. Every moment of his day seems to etch into his brain too deeply, good and bad. Hes far too patterned about his addictions…hes patterned about everything. His crazy ex wife got him drinking at home….a line he never crossed until she pushed it. Now he have triggers when he goes into the garage, the basement…damn near all over. My dad died a year ago and the last drinking he did was my dads last vodka bottle beneath the sink as we struggled to move into the house. I was at the other house…but he drunk dialed and i figured it out.
I used to drink regularly, but it wasnt hard to quit for me, because I was tired of feeling sick all the time. I didnt miss that at all. A couple times he took me to eat, and said, “you can drink if you want” but i told him i wouldn’t do that to him. Im not sure if he was just trying to be accepting or if he was trying to drink vicariously through me. At any rate, sometimes its tricky being #1 support person.
I know he will always withdraw in social situations, always watch from the outside in his quiet way. I know if he drinks twice in the same place, a pattern will be set, and we are sunk. But i know he loves his baby…longed for a child. I hope the drive to be a good dad helps him find his feet further. i guess we will just have to see. Day by day. Thanks for this blog. Im trying hard to understand and be supportive, and it helps.
Wow that was awesome
Thanks for sharing. Those pictures were really powerful.