Deep breath, I can deal with this

18 Mar

12:40 pm

I HATE CONFRONTATION. I mean, it sends my heart rate to the moon, and turns my stomach to knots. It has always been a problem for me. I mean, I can’t really convey to you how much I hate confrontation; some people thrive on it, whereas I avoid it like…death. It made being a “beat reporter” really hard, which is why I am not doing that job (duh). If I could, I’d never piss anyone off, never rock anyone’s boat. But, sometimes–a LOT of times–it has GOT to be done. People’s boats need to be rocked. That, I know, will be a lifelong learning process for me, but I’m up for it. I have to be.

I received yet another nasty Facebook message from my brother’s girlfriend–a whole two years after the incident (long story very short: I blacked out and yelled some really nasty things at her, probably threatened her with physical violence, rolled around on the floor and came to in a heap of tears). Deep breath, I can deal with this. I am sober, and even though I am shaking right now, I know this much to be true (for me, to MY story): she will not bully me anymore.

Her message was mean, hateful, and took me totally by surprise. I do not like emotional surprises–I’ve had enough of them to last my poor little heart a lifetime. And, I do not like being bullied–I can see this now. I think I’ve been bullied a lot in my life, but never really accepted it and dealt with it. It sucks that I have to deal with this, because I really dislike standing up for myself. It’s like, I wish the world just stood up FOR me, you know? I can see that now. I can totally see that now.

Anyway, I wrote her back, told her that if she wanted to engage in meaningful conversation about this, she has my cell phone number. I told her that I will not let her bully me with random, hateful messages on Facebook, and I told her that I think we should at least attempt to resolve this. Then, I texted and left a voicemail for my brother–apparently, he didn’t know about the message. I will follow through and call him later–it’s been six weeks since I left him/her my “I’m sorry” voicemail, and the only peep I heard from my brother OR her about that was a text from my brother, a week later no doubt, thanking me for being thoughtful.

I feel good about telling her that I refuse to be bullied, for the most part. I know that could (will) be twisted into a “confrontational” remark, but it’s just HOW it has to be, in my mind. I will no longer be bullied by anyone. That is what she is trying to do. I am not afraid of her (yes, I am, but I’m not going to let anyone but you guys know that). I figured, if I don’t do anything, this will just keep going on and on. So, the best approach is to draw my line, confront both of them (well, be aggressive and not passive aggressive), and at least try to resolve this before the wedding in May. I will call my brother until he and I actually talk–if she wants in on the conversation, all the better. It will suck talking to her, but I welcome the confrontation now, and not at the wedding.

I am shaking right now. I hate confrontation. My voice shakes, my stomach lurches, and my heart rate literally goes up to like, 150 beats a minute. But, it has got to be done, and I am going to do it. My brother is getting married at a relatively grand ceremony in May, and I simply refuse to go into that situation with blinders on. I am his photographer, for fuck’s sake–I can’t be tiptoe’ing around the guests, looking over my shoulder, wondering when my brother’s girlfriend is going to get too drunk and lash out verbally or God forbid, physically. I know I WILL be wondering that the whole time, but at least I can dissipate the dread a little beforehand.

THIS is why I don’t want to relate to them after this wedding. How can you have a relationship with people who act this way? YES, I hurt her feelings; but, it’s been two years, and she’s getting drunk (I could tell she was drunk) and sending me Facebook messages telling me that I’m a lying bitch, my life is fake, and that I am a “user bitch cunt?” Who does this? Who holds onto this brand of anger–without EVER having acknowledged my letters, emails, and phone call saying I was sorry? A crazy person, that’s who. A person with a personality disorder, that’s who. A person who is so crippled by mental problems, so fixated on fueling her life with hate and resentment, that she literally can’t move.

I am proud of the life I’ve lived so far; it is not fake, it is real. My sobriety is real. My relationship is real. My attempt to make a freelance career is really fucking real. My travels and volunteer work abroad, that’s real. My friends–you guys, my real-life ones–are real. Yet…I am letting this one person make me doubt all this? Ugh.

It is not easy to stand your ground, but you must. And, I’m simply glad at the moment that I have my sober buttress to lean against here. I can’t really explain it except, it is my rock-solid wall, and I am gripping it with all my might right now. It’s strong, unbending, and both cool and warm at the same time.

Deep breath. I can deal with this.

Now, time to celebrate today–not me, just today–which is Day 365! Go, me. Go, us. Go, all of us, struggling with things, big and small. Just stay sober; if for no other reason than, you will need that sober wall to lean against one day, and it will be there for you.

37 Responses to “Deep breath, I can deal with this”

  1. mishedup March 18, 2014 at 1:39 pm #

    I will address one thing in this reply…

    OH My God, girl….
    ONE YEAR!!!!!!

    Thai is truly awesome! You did it and you should feel proud and so happy
    I know all your on-line friends are throwing you a party, and I am one of them, lifting my glass (well, 3rd) of morning tea in your honor!
    A year into a brighter and more beautiful life.
    That is just awesome,celebrate with joy, with head held high and knowing that you have so many “Imaginary friends” here online supporting and rooting for you.


    • Drunky Drunk Girl March 18, 2014 at 2:16 pm #

      Head head high, is right! Thank you…and thank you for being there, and sharing your inspiring story with me/us. 🙂 xxx

  2. Just Some Woman March 18, 2014 at 1:51 pm #

    One year, WOW. Congratulations! You’ve done great and you don’t need to be belittled by some psycho, family or not. With me, sometimes a good “fuck you, I can’t take another minute of you” is my last (and final) resort. If I indulge in craziness like that, there is a small chance that I will get drunk and punch somebody in the face. It’s sad but it’s so. I know my own mental limitations and I do not suffer fools gladly because it’s just not worth it. The bottom line is that you can’t reason with a one year old, and you can’t reason with crazy. There’s no difference between the two.
    Hang in there, you’ve done (are doing) GREAT!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl March 18, 2014 at 2:14 pm #

      Thank you for this–makes perfect sense to me! You’re right, I cannot deal with a one-year-old/crazy person, and it’s the same thing for me: this drama jeopardizes my sobriety, which is why I have to say buh-bye to it. Thank you!!! xxx

  3. sswl March 18, 2014 at 2:01 pm #

    I hate confrontation, too, am afraid of it, avoid it, shake when it happens. So I’m super impressed at your determination not to be bullied–especially by a drunk, for god’s sake!

    You have a hard-fought year of sobriety to protect, and it shows. You’re dealing with this, not drinking over it. Congratulations, DDG.Many happy returns! xx/Susan

    • Drunky Drunk Girl March 18, 2014 at 2:15 pm #

      For God’s sake–so true! Thank you, Susan…for all your posts, and encouragement. Glad you’re back online! xxx

  4. primrosep March 18, 2014 at 2:42 pm #

    Your final sentence gave me goose bumps. Thank you for such a powerful image. I am so glad that you have built this wall for yourself, brick by brick, and that it is giving you shelter and support when you need it most. Congratulations on 365 days!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl March 18, 2014 at 4:16 pm #

      Brick by brick–that’s how it felt. But now, all that practice not drinking has taken a strength of its own! Thank you for your comment…so glad we connect in this space! xxx

  5. Mental Rollercoaster March 18, 2014 at 2:49 pm #

    Woot woot! I’m sorry that your 1 year is marred by such a bitter person. I hope that you’re still able to celebrate your amazing achievement! Way to go!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl March 18, 2014 at 4:16 pm #

      I will be, for sure! Thank you…and yes, to a year sober for both of us! 🙂

  6. momma bee March 18, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

    CONGRATS on 365 DDD~ so proud of you! Thank you for sharing your journey with us~ sorry about the issue w/ the bros gf. I hate confrontation too~she really needs to get her issues in line. Hugs to you!

  7. Janet March 18, 2014 at 3:42 pm #

    Amazing and awesome….Congratulations on one year! I think these toxic people are inserted into our lives for a reason. Perhaps to make us stronger? It’s all about her and has nothing to do with you. Poor her for choosing to be so miserable.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl March 18, 2014 at 4:18 pm #

      You know, I have to admit that I’ve learned more today–and will likely resolve more today–than any other day this year. It’s funny that I got the message TODAY of all days (it went into my FB spam, was actually sent on Dec. 28th last year)! I have to remember, I feel sorry for someone who is that bitter, end of story. Thank you for being here! xx

  8. paddy March 18, 2014 at 4:33 pm #

    Congratulations ! I am very happy for you. Your strength and resolve are very impressive. I am sorry this self-centered, depressing person might interfere with this day of your powerful accomplishment. Even I got upset reading this. Your example has helped many, me included. One week from today I will have a year of sobriety and your writing has been a real help.

  9. soberjournalist March 18, 2014 at 4:34 pm #

    Wow – you left the one year bit right to the very end. So can I first of all congratulate you for hitting the big one year mark! That is super amazingly awesome. I’m sending you congratulatory hugs from England 🙂 Re the brother’s girlfriend situation, I think you handled it brilliantly. You’ve apologised for what happened in the past – now she has to decide whether to forgive and move on. It sounds like your brother has? I hope this resolves itself. Kx

  10. jenisthesoberist March 18, 2014 at 4:37 pm #

    One year! Yay! What an amazing and real achievement. Confrontation is the worst. It helps me a tiny bit to remember that most people hate it, too. Even the mean ones are usually just lashing out because they are scared. Big hugs! Have a great party. 🙂

  11. jenisthesoberist March 18, 2014 at 4:37 pm #

    One year! Yay! What an amazing and real achievement. Confrontation is the worst. It helps me a tiny bit to remember that most people hate it, too. Even the mean ones are usually just lashing out because they are scared. Big hugs! Have a great party. 🙂

  12. carrieonsober March 18, 2014 at 5:29 pm #

    ONE WHOLE YEAR!!! I am jumping up and down here, nearly lost my sober tiara!!
    You have nothing to reproach yourself for. People make mistakes, they apologise, show that they are sorry and then move on. She doesn’t need to become your best mate, just needs to get over it!! She must be so insecure in her own life to keep holding one incident against you. The girl’s got issues and to be so acid tongued when drunk, well it sounds to me like she’s got her own little wolfie right there. It’s her turn to apologise now!
    Deep breath – do NOT let her spoil your day.
    You have come so far, it’s been a pleasure to share it.
    Hugs, cheers and glitter coming at ya!
    Carrie xx

  13. erics1100paces March 18, 2014 at 6:41 pm #

    Oooh… Fight! You are far wiser than I. My heartbeat would have gone way up too. In fact the old valentine’s card in the chest is currently hammering away over this post.

    It sounds like from that point forward, however, you dealt with this much better than I would have. Congratulations on rising above. Keep living upright. Crushing that bitch only sounds like a good idea. It really, really sounds like a good idea to me right now, and I don’t even know either of you! But, like you said, deep breath. My adrenal gland needs to chill out. Thanks for the post. I’m fully awake now.

    • soberlearning March 19, 2014 at 8:52 am #

      Next week in the Sober Blogging World, The Donut King crushes drunk Facebook Bitch….stay tuned!!! 🙂 🙂

      • erics1100paces March 19, 2014 at 10:15 am #

        Ha ha ha… That made me legitimately laugh out loud. Thanks for the best shout out ever.

  14. afteralcohol March 18, 2014 at 7:14 pm #

    One year is so very impressive, well done! So this message was actually written on 28 December, so well before your voicemail. Interesting that it held itself back long enough to let you get to where you needed to be before emerging, ugly, into the light. You sound like you’re very strong around this issue now, which is really great given how much emotional time it took up back when it was fresh.

    And well done again!

  15. Jocelynn March 18, 2014 at 7:33 pm #

    Congratulations DDG!! Celebrate your steady sober wall tonight!

  16. lyn March 18, 2014 at 8:13 pm #

    Congratulations Ms DDG…. you are a super star, shining brightly starring in your own parade. New beginnings for you my dear – don’t allow this low vibration into your life any longer. She sounds like a classic Narcissist and believe me, there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will reach this personality. I have dealt with a few in my life time and getting sober was the only way that I could understand it. No response = no food for her. She will have to go elsewhere to feed – unfortunately will likely be your brother. But that’s his journey, not yours. I raise my cup of tea to you and walk with you on this path. We share the same sobriety date – one year to us. xxx

  17. Iambizi March 18, 2014 at 9:14 pm #

    congratulations are definitely in order!
    well done!
    You have worked so hard for this.

  18. barista1971 March 18, 2014 at 9:14 pm #

    Go you!!

  19. thirteenpointoneandone March 18, 2014 at 10:01 pm #

    ONE YEAR!!!!!! Congrats!

    I didn’t read through everyone’s responses, but you are not in the wrong. This girl can’t let go of something that happened two years ago? She is clearly stuck. I feel bad for her. You are the bigger person and have offered to handle this in an adult manner, and she simply can’t. You ARE the better person here. Keep your chin up and know that you are doing a good thing by even giving this crazy person a chance!!

  20. justanewme March 18, 2014 at 11:09 pm #

    Big big congrats on a year! And you are right. Tell the future sister in law she is a nut job and then keep her out of your life as much as possible 🙂

  21. Belle March 19, 2014 at 4:07 am #

    hooray for you. no room for anuses in our lives. happy happy happy one year!

  22. furtheron March 19, 2014 at 4:40 am #

    Oh that is tough. But reading as an outsider … you apologised, she has not acknowledged that and then to write something like that on Facebook… yes I think you have the moral upperhand here.

    However – takes bravery to walk that path – I have nothing but admiration for what you’ve done so far and the stance you are taking now about it. Really inspirational recovery stuff. Thanks for such a great honest post

  23. byebyebeer March 19, 2014 at 5:26 am #

    Congratulations on one year!!! I’m sorry to hear about the ugly Facebook message. But one year !! That’s awesome.

  24. 365 Reasons March 19, 2014 at 5:45 am #

    Big congratulations to one year! And best of luck with dealing with your brother’s girlfriend. I run and hide from most arguments with my family. I am trying to figure how to deal with it all with compassion. But so glad I am at least dealing with it sober.

  25. soberlearning March 19, 2014 at 8:48 am #

    Happy Birthday!!! One year of hard work, and you have made it! Congratulations! Enjoy it.
    I too, do not like confrontation. I think that people figure that out, and try to take advantage. It sounds like you have made your amends, and these people, particularly drunk FB writer is not willing to accept. Sometimes we need to move on, and leave negative people in out wake.
    Good luck to you in a sad situation.
    Enjoy today, as you earned it, one day at a time!!

  26. themiracleisaroundthecorner March 19, 2014 at 10:22 am #

    I am so happy for you, and proud of you, DDG! One year is such an amazing milestone, and please know I am celebrating for you in my part of the world!

    As far as this poisonous woman in your life, I guess because I am further removed from it, but I really feel sorry for her. Dear God, to be holding on to THAT much anger for TWO WHOLE YEARS?!? I cannot imagine how awful her life must be. I’d be more worried about the decisions your brother is making, staying with someone as emotionally unstable as she clearly is, but I guess that’s his path, and certainly out of your control to change.

    What is in your control is your behavior, and it seems to me like you are handling beautifully. You repeatedly attempted to make your amends to her, and you are being the bigger person by even attending the wedding, much less agreeing to be the photographer! You have paid your dues, from what it sounds like, and you can hold your head high at this event.

    The great part of this story, and this is a little mean-spirited of me but I’ll say it anyway… the best revenge is living well, and you are doing just that. You’ve grown exponentially in the past year, and you’ve cleaned up your side of the street. Any nonsense she pulls at this wedding will be a bad reflection on only one person… her. So really, all you need to do is be available to talk if she wants it, and continue to be the great person you are.

    Can’t wait to read any follow-ups, and again, CONGRATULATIONS on your year of sobriety… you rock!


  1. pulling together some of my favourite quotes | taking a new path - March 19, 2014

    […] like sober timetravel. It is our secret weapon against the Wolfie voices in our heads. Did you read DDG’s post yesterday on reaching one year? Or Carrie’s from a couple of weeks ago? Here are my favourite […]

  2. the Uses of Sorrow | taking a new path - May 18, 2014

    […] there can be no recovery. and recovery is the only way to live in the light. it is our wall, as DDG so beautifully described it. the wall which will protect us and see us through all the heart-ache and the thousand natural […]

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