Not a goodbye, just a pause

30 Jun

10:48 am

So, it’s been a while.  And, I’m beginning to realize (duh) that I just don’t write that much anymore here…for reasons that aren’t quite clear to me yet.  Let me try to explain.

Partly, I’m not necessarily sober anymore, I just don’t drink.  All the ruminating about getting and being sober–it doesn’t resonate anymore.  YES, I’m grateful for so many things–most everything, really–that have resulted from me getting sober.  But, I think I may have overdone the “thinking about not drinking” thing.  I blogged about it, I wrote articles about it–I supported myself financially doing these things, and I will probably continue to do so.

I also don’t have the time, and this is a continuing source of frustration.  I literally work all the time these days, and until I can remedy that by getting a job that pays a living wage (well, at least one), I probably won’t be posting that much more than I have been, which isn’t very often.

Finally, I’m pretty sure I’ve been outed–not by my own doing, but by some sleuthing on someone’s part–and it makes me feel hesitant.  I don’t want to overshare, in general, anymore, but I especially don’t want to do it such that it goes out to my professional network!  One day, when I find the courage to write a book about all this shit–which I have a nebulous idea of what it could be, and which would obviously require me to “come out”–maybe.  But for right now, I just don’t want to blog when I sense it’s being read by people who know me, but whom I don’t know.

On that note, I miss writing on here every day, and may very well scrap this entire post and come back tomorrow.

All this is to say, expect a pause.  But, I’m not really going anywhere (I still read these blogs every day).

And, am I sober?  Of course.  Does it help me get up at 4:30 am for my coffee shop job?  It sure does.  Do I envy drinkers who lurk around in groups, feeling like they aren’t good enough and compensating by having others validate them?  Not at all–I finally feel like I have nothing to prove, and I don’t miss the days when I did.  Hangovers?  Never.  I’ve tried to forget about them, and when I can’t, I use the memories to prevent me from drinking again.

Not that I live in fear of “relapsing,” which is more of a state of mind than being.  If red wine actually worked on my brain the way it used to, then yes, a relapse might be a tangible possibility.  But, it just does not work anymore.  I credit sobriety and my slips to helping me to see that, embrace it, accept it, and move forward knowing that I can’t drink, literally.

I’m not afraid of relapsing because I no longer view alcohol solely as a source of “fun” or “being social” but mainly as something I “use” to fill a hole.  I think this is key knowledge for my recovery’s continued success:  the way I use wine will probably always be different from the way someone else does.  Or doesn’t (some people just drink with no strings attached).  That’s the one thing that hasn’t changed, in fact, and I’ve seen it in my slips–I only want to drink when I’m feeling desperate to change my reality (bad thoughts and feelings). It’s a deeply embedded thing inside me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to “rewire” my brain completely.

Anyway, these days, I’m working hard to fill that need for purpose and grace and transcendence with other, much more fulfilling activities.  I know that drinking doesn’t work–I’ve tried forcing it for a long time.  Letting go of what doesn’t work seems to be what growing up is about.  Getting sober is growing up, at last.  Finding what does work–this is what life’s longer journey is made for.

And, on that note, I’ll sign off for now.  Not a goodbye, just a (probably brief) pause…

11 Responses to “Not a goodbye, just a pause”

  1. losedabooze June 30, 2015 at 11:02 am #

    It’s always a risk of posting our inner most thoughts in the blogging world – and I know there may be occasions for some to find me out – but for now – it’s a good outlet for me. It’s my therapy – to blog, journal what I’m going through because I’m still going through it. Reading your post gives me hope. I don’t classify myself in the same category as others but I am alike many… those who just want to change their habits, focus on different things in life and YES to filling the void with something other than alcohol. Kudos to you on doing this!

  2. Drunky Drunk Girl June 30, 2015 at 11:32 am #

    Thank you! Keep moving toward your goals…!

  3. Bren Murphy June 30, 2015 at 9:15 pm #

    Hi, I walked away from my blog too – not because I was outed – but because it just didn’t resonate any longer – I was tired of the backward looking alcoholic vision and I wanted to re-launch myself in a new direction. So i did – and I’m back blogging – and this time I’ve completely outed myself. The shame that goes with alcoholism lingers well into sobriety and that is what I am working on. Great to read your work – hope it’s not the end permanently,
    Thanks
    Bren Murphy

    • Drunky Drunk Girl June 30, 2015 at 9:57 pm #

      Thanks, Bren! Very nice words of wisdom… No, def not the end!

  4. ainsobriety June 30, 2015 at 10:35 pm #

    I hope you find your time to do what feels right for you!
    The best thing about life is we can change our focus again and again. To whatever feels important at the time. It’s all up to you!

  5. LifeUnbuzzed July 1, 2015 at 6:55 am #

    This is beautiful: “Letting go of what doesn’t work seems to be what growing up is about. Getting sober is growing up, at last. Finding what does work–this is what life’s longer journey is made for.”
    Thank you. Three and a half years into sobriety I’m finding what does work and life is good.

  6. furtheron July 7, 2015 at 8:43 am #

    Good luck and well done on the journey so far.

    I blew my first sober blog away many years ago. Now I regret that, I lost a whole bunch of important writing for me. So now I just continue to walk forward, not regretting the past as much as I can but using it to shape my now

  7. minkyboodle86 July 12, 2015 at 1:15 am #

    Would you be willing to spare some advice perhaps? Perhaps, I apologize and wish I were so busy.. (guilt tripp)

    >

  8. Roisin Murray July 13, 2015 at 12:36 pm #

    Hi, I’ve been reading your blog, and really enjoying it! I’ve been writing a blog…it’s mostly about me not drinking for a year, & seeing if I can do it.
    I wrote about before I stopped, you know, what I drank; what I did etc; then the effect of still going out, but not drinking. I seem to have slowed down on my blog. I’m not sure if this is because I have less to say; am going out less; or what…I’d love you to have a look? http://www.thelongdryroad is my website.

    Hope you carry on with your writing. It’s great.

    Roisin

  9. Lisa Neumann August 8, 2015 at 11:10 am #

    You have so much to give. You are so talented a writer. I hope you are seeing that—I do. Go run with the big dogs. xox Lisa

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 10, 2015 at 12:43 pm #

      Thank you, Lisa! You’ve been by my side the whole time–I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it! Onward! 🙂

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