6:01 pm
Well, tomorrow marks six months since our move, and uh, I am not sure how to describe our life here. It’s definitely DIFFERENT from our life back “home.” I mean, I work from my home office, so my life is relatively similar. Yet, despite going out to see a lot of shows and things on our own, we don’t really have a social life, per se (as in, we have no friends!).
It seemed (key word) so much easier everywhere else–then again, I worked at an office in the actual outside world, everywhere else; OR, I had a social network in place before I moved there. Here, we really didn’t know anyone; that really hit home when our sweet boy (our “bear,” our beagle-boxer mix) passed away in March. Not having any friends or family around who knew him, who could comfort us because they knew us–that just sucked. For the first time, I could see clearly how important it is to have family around when death (or suffering or tragedy) strikes. I was able to glimpse how our modern ways–our lives of leaving, of moving around, of moving away–work against the benefits of age-old structures like family, and community. I miss having a community who knows me, but I’m not sure what to do about it here. A part of me just wants to go somewhere familiar–whether it’s where I used to live, or where I have family that now lives.
Truthfully, though, I have been feeling increasingly isolated simply because I don’t get out. Nothing new here, and it’s been something I’ve been trying to work on or “fix” since I realized it was a big factor in my alcoholic drinking behavior. I actually googled AA meetings in my new area, thinking that I’d probably be guaranteed to meet people there. It’s been six months, and I haven’t really made any new friends; it is SO hard, for some reason, to make friends beyond acquaintances–is it me, this place, being in my 40s? I don’t know, and I’m starting to sort of simply not care. I want to let it go–if it happens, great, but if not, eh, I just don’t care–but I know I should make it happen.
I’ve also been sort of bugging out about WHAT’S NEXT? I have been obsessively scanning job sites, looking for something, anything that I want to do–like, really, truly DO; really, truly invest myself in–and nothing has been popping out. Nothing. It’s like, I feel a combination of resignation to the work I do now (and the fact that it pays well and I can do it from home, for better and/or for worse) and laziness–I’m 44, and I’ve done this job/life search grind before, and I’m tired! Still, I know I need new experiences, and I need to get out and meet people–hence, the obsessive searching.
I have been thinking of starting drinking again lately, but I know it won’t help or fix–and, I’m too lazy to actually do it (what work it would be to actually pick up again, no?) as well as I KNOW that there are SO many other more positive outlets for my boredom and/or frustration. So, I come back to feeling grateful–for my background, for my privilege, and, yes, even for my obsessive nature (which has brought me to the point of being able to BITCH about staying home all day, writing, and earning a good paycheck).
What am I needing instead? More interaction with people, for sure. I (we) have sort of neglected or almost refused to get out there and get involved in this community (I used that word loosely, because it just doesn’t FEEL like a community to us…yet?). That has to change, even IF we’re only here for a few more months. YES, I was working from home the first three months here; YES, I then spent the next three months holed up in my office, working on this albatross of a writing project that I’ve been saying I was going to do for YEARS and finally actually did–so, there is that. (The thing is, we both don’t really feel the desire to make it happen here, and I’m not quite sure why; will this “lack of desire” follow us, if we move to other cities on the mainland–or is it just something about this place that bugs? The only way to find out is to actually move to another city on the mainland–or, move back to where we came from, which may or may not turn out how we envision.)
I don’t know, but being sober, and 44, and in a new place–and having the ability to totally work from home? It makes making friends hard. Not whining, just expressing what has been on my mind for a long time now. Make it happen, I guess?
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I’m sorry that your new place hasn’t “clicked” yet. I’ve been in the same town my entire life. I guess I don’t have sense enough to leave. 😁
It’s interesting that you were seeking AA meetings…. maybe your subconscious knows it’s a good idea. Maybe worth another shot? You never know, you may meet that special friend, or two, or three. People that feel like you. Hell, like me! I should probably take my own advice. Hang in there DDG. You’ll get it right.
Thanks so much for this–and yes, AA might definitely be worth another shot!
Here’s a list of what I would do if/when (and it is probably when) I move..
AA
yoga (a gym/sports/anything you two are interested in?)
local politics (i won’t make any assumptions about your politics, but god knows the upcoming mid-terms are crucial, and I’ve met some interesting people in my local indivisible group right here at home!)
that’s probably all I;d do to start, and then , as i met people maybe get a little more creative.
it IS so hard to meet people, even in a place you’ve lived all your life! And especially if you, like me, are introverted.
But we do need our people, that’s for sure.
Here’s to you finding some of your own!
Thanks for this! Yes, I have done yoga and that has helped me to get out–it’s just so good overall to keep me centered. I will probably hit up AA meetings next. Local politics? That’s a great idea! Yes, so hard for introverts, eh? Thank you again…
I will just say that I understand what you’re going through. I’ve experienced astonishing isolation twice in my life — well, actual astonishing isolation once, for two years, in my late 30s when I moved somewhere for a postdoc, and relative isolation again (still ongoing) when I semi-moved to another town where I built a life with my partner. In the second place I have plenty of acquaintances but damn if I have no real friends and it makes me crazy. In the first place the level of disjointedness amazes me to this day. I came from a life where I felt normal and had lots of friends, and I have long deep friendships going back to age 18, so I know I’m capable of that 🙂 (I love my family, but the serious connection I have and depend on is with these longtime friends.) Try as I might, a hundred times, I almost never saw the same person twice. I always felt like there was some door, or key, that if I could just find it, would lead into a nice little social connection. In these cases I am/was getting out into the world, and it was still hard. So I highly recommend that you guys get out there! In some way. You must have interests, no? You’re normal, your world is normal (unfortunately), and one (in the years beyond our 20s) has to really make efforts because things don’t (tend to) happen easily anymore, especially if one doesn’t have kids or a church or a job out in the world — the typical connectors, none of which I have (or want!). Even just becoming a regular somewhere (coffee shop, restaurant) can be really helpful. Good luck! And so very sorry about your pup…..
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. I guess it makes me feel less alone knowing that there are others who have similar struggles. I do have interests, and I try to get out there, but I guess I have to try harder. You’re right on about the typical connectors, too–if I had an outside job here, I think a lot of this feeling isolated would go away…? (And, thanks about the pup–we miss him!?)
I understand that making friends part. I moved to NC from where I had lived for the past 25 years, and I just have never made the effort to find new friends. I also worked from home, so I had little incentive to venture out, especially when the weather was cold. It was so cozy to sit in my pajamas, typing away. I no longer do that work but have not replaced it with anything but a huge writing project of my own. And without deadlines, I can make that go on forever. So we’re in the same boat, more or less.
I think I’ve become addicted to comfort. I just read someone’s post that said, “You can have comfort or growth, but not both.” I’m going to have to follow through on some of the plans I make to get out of this rut. (One of them is attending a local AA meeting. I’ve been considering this for over a year without actually doing it.)
Let me know if you find the key to blasting out of this funk. ; )
Thanks for this! So good to hear that I am not alone in this feeling! Haha–I will definitely let you know if I find the key!