11:22 am
I used to think that I knew the difference between helping a person and enabling them–until I was no longer on the receiving end. As someone who drank alcoholically for years, I never had to wonder if I was helping someone or enabling that person. It was their problem, and they had to figure out how to help me without enabling my ill behavior.
These days, I am the one having to decide between helping and enabling during every phone call I make to both parents. I can say, almost without doubt, that both my parents, by choice, are living with untreated mental health disorders that negatively affect their family members.
It’s sad, but it’s the truth.
And there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
What is this called? Transgenerational something–issues, addiction, trauma? I can clearly see my own workaholism in my dad’s behavior; I can clearly see my neurotic thinking and tendency to catastrophize in my mom’s behavior. Yet, both my parents either don’t see it in themselves or choose to not see it. I chose to see it, and I chose to try to fix it, within myself. It’s a work in progress, but I decided that I could no longer live in denial–that was eight years ago.
Let me give a few “for instances”: I recently found out that my dad and his second wife are divorcing; she served him papers, and he seems to be in this state of “I don’t know why on Earth she would want to divorce me” haze that is just, well, utter bullshit. He knows; the problem is, on our calls, he denies knowing and spins a tale of what he believes has happened (versus the reality, which I know, because my step-mom and brother have seen or heard different versions from him, and they’ve told me about those). The question is, do I listen and not say anything, or do I confront him on his denial? I have tried a version of the latter, but he is deep in his denial so it doesn’t work. Yet, allowing him to go on without being questioned just reinforces this behavior–enabling him to keep it up without facing any kind of consequences.
The last time I talked to my mom, she was complaining about her health issues, about she was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I feel bad for her, but, after decades of telling her what she knows she should do, she’s chosen to not expand her social circle to include even one friend! She chooses to obsess about her health issues instead of letting them go/be; I get that it’s hard, and she has a lot of problems. However, no matter how “bad” you’ve got it, at some point, you have to choose to stop the mental looping and try something else–maybe, meditation, or yoga, or staying on medications consistently, or believing that these medications will help (there is power in placebo; she knows this, as a former nurse). Now, I could tell her, again, that she should do this, that, and the other; she can say, yes, I know I should do that, and then, she can not do it–or, I can just listen and then hang up, not really telling her how I feel because it doesn’t seem to change her behavior, which is in essence, a form of enabling as well!
Why do I feel guilty–and somehow responsible–that my parents, both of them well into their 70s, are very seemingly stuck and unhappy? And, even more guilty that I have decided to give up on helping both of them, wishing their choices were different but not trying to engage anymore in a discussion about any of it? What if it does not end well for my dad, who is soon going to discover just how much of the physical, daily burden my step-mom carried? Should I feel like it was my fault, that I didn’t help him enough by literally screaming the truth, as I know it, into his ear? Same with my mom: should I just let her be, grasping but unwilling, or should I continue to force the issue of personal responsibility for one’s own happiness?
I have chosen, after all these years of getting sober–it was a lot of work to extricate myself from these learned behavioral patterns, some of which really affected me and “caused” my drinking problem–to just let it go. Let. It. Go. I can’t care that much about their problems; I can’t keep trying to “reason” with them when they don’t want to change, essentially.
Is this what it feels like to try to help an addict or alcoholic who is not ready to get sober yet? Maybe…
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Here’s a slightly different spin on it based on motivational interviewing. Maybe advice-giving isn’t actually helping as it’s intended to be; maybe it increases resistance to change, which in a sense makes it a form of enabling. Perhaps helping could look more like supporting productive behaviours, like offering to go with your dad to see his lawyer. In the end, just like with drinking, trying to make another person change really doesn’t work very well.
Very interesting and good advice…Thank you!
i agree…i have similar issues with both parents, although they divorced years ago..after awhile, as an adult, i realized that my “advice’ was just feeding the problem..all they both really wanted was someone to vent to and/or agree with them and they had no intentions of changing…30 years later- same deal so i was correct to distance myself…feel for you:)
Sounds like you are making solid choices. You can support them without supporting their problem behaviors. It’s hard when it’s your parents. Boundaries are tricky when guilt or obligation play a role. My heart goes out to you. 💕
You go! Sounds tricky. But you go! It’s amazing how hard it is to deeply register that our family members’ stuff is not our business. Of course we can listen and talk and support, whatever that means in a given situation, but it’s their business not ours, and that’s often so much harder to accept when it’s family vs. friends.
I guess…it just rubs me the wrong way when, as a human, you know you can help, but you choose not to. I don’t know, maybe I am reading too deeply into it and have to accept that you’re right, it’s their business and not mine.