Exhale, and believe

7 Sep

3:01 pm

That’s my mantra these days. Exhale, and believe.

Exhale, sure. Calm down. But, believe? In what? Well, that things will change. That, um, I will change. That I will have the courage to just let things be if they’re not working for me anymore. That I will have the courage to just let my thoughts go if they’re causing me more harm than good.

This past week turned out better that I imagined it would, considering that I landed two contract jobs, which means I’ll have at least part-time work through the end of the year. (My “dream job” got back to me, too, requesting an interview, but…I am not sure what’s going to transpire with that, so, I’m just waiting and seeing.) All the work I am doing now came from networking with my existing contacts, not cold calls, as it were. So, that’s a big lesson right there, which is, eff Indeed! (haha)

I am slowly getting over putting our sweet girl down coming up on a month this Wednesday. We’ve thought about fostering a dog (or two) since we’ve now got the time *and* have to be in the same place (now that I am working again, I need to be settled; plus, the only place we would want to travel would be the West, in an RV, and um, it’s kind of literally Hell there right now). It’d be a shame, in my opinion, to not give love when you are able to give love; there are plenty of dogs in need at the local shelter–just like our girl and our boy needed our love, those many years ago. We’ll see…

I’ve sort of been on autopilot the past few weeks, sometimes wanting to give up this blog, sometimes wanting to write more on it; just plugging, getting back into work mode (man, my brain is slow after five months on furlough–haha). It’s been great, though, to redirect my attention to something else, anything else, but trying to work on my book (hashtag fail) and staring at my belly button.

I don’t know if my new hormone therapy is working or not, really; there aren’t any hard and fast rules when it comes to “what is supposed to happen in menopause” and I am not sure if I can expect 100% “back to normal.” However, I know what I want, and I don’t feel what I want yet. Unfortunately, even though I’ve been going through this crap for three years, I probably won’t see the light at the end of the very hot tunnel until the end of this year, considering how long you have to take your regimen to see if it’s working (three months) before you can request a change or upgrade (if that’s even possible, I don’t know). The wait is not as much of a problem as the fact that this has been going on for three years, and it has been really trying, and I just want to feel like myself again. The uncertainty factor has been the most irritating part of this process–you just don’t know how you’re going to feel or when it’s going to feel better.

Today marks three years plus one day that Hurricane Irma hit. Our lives were forever changed. A part of me really misses that time; amidst the chaos there was excitement, and promise–of something new. We lived that “new” and are now back to where we started. Except, there’s a pandemic now and no one can do anything–which, actually, kind of sucks more than the aftermath of a hurricane, mostly because, the aftermath and rebuilding had/has a finite end! Anyway, I wonder, what’s next? What’s going to be new? I am so jones’ing for something new again, aren’t you?

So, I come back to my mantra: exhale–what will be, will be; let the planning go for now–and believe–things will change, they will not be this way forever. Exhale, and believe.

5 Responses to “Exhale, and believe”

  1. ceponatia September 7, 2020 at 7:12 pm #

    Isn’t that kind of crazy how during times of complete chaos we can feel like we finally have *meaning* in our lives in a way? I’ve had moments where I certainly wouldn’t want to re-live them but, in a way, I can fondly remember them. It’s like there was an abundance of possibility for starting over or becoming a new person. Eventually, though, we settle back into who we really are I suppose. That’s what sobriety really opened my eyes to, anyway: that I really had no clue who I really was until about two years ago!

    I’m back and forth between wondering if I even want to continue blogging, too. I don’t hate it or anything; I just haven’t felt the desire to write anything of genuine substance in quite some time.

  2. Elsie Amata September 10, 2020 at 9:31 am #

    I love your mantra – it’s inspiring!

    I feel like you do about rescuing a dog. Especially right now. All of ours have been rescues and (as odd as this sounds), I feel like they know. Our most recent rescue has been my emotional support through some tough moments. Best snuggle dog I ever had. We’re thinking about getting another one but that would make three so, not sure yet.
    Congratulations on your contract jobs! That’s fantastic! I wish you the best of luck with your dream job too.

    Warmly,
    Elsie

    • Drunky Drunk Girl September 22, 2020 at 11:50 am #

      Thank you! I haven’t heard back from the dream job, but that’s OK–what is meant to be, will be. xx

  3. chrissy September 27, 2020 at 10:52 pm #

    Have you tried acupuncture for your menopausal symptoms. It has worked wonders for me. My moods are more even and hardly any nights sweats or hot flashes. I love it!! Good luck in your search.

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