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AA means…one step at a time

11:58 pm

One step at a time, is what I learned in AA today.

I’ve basically been somewhat needlessly blowing my own mind with all the thinking and self-reflection about not drinking, and I’ve decided:

For now, it’s OK to just stop drinking. And, like I’ve been doing, it’s OK to move on, stay busy, and keep working toward tangible life goals.

That’s it. That’s my deep thought.

I went to my third meeting tonight (yay, me!) downtown at a church here in St. Thomas, and it was nice. Good. Fine. I was shouted out twice for being a new person, which is because I actually introduced myself. I mean, it was good. I felt like I was at Mass, and I felt sincere. I already know a few people (it’s a small island), and it helped to hear their stories; it helped to be reminded of the fact that if I drink again, I could end up, oh, falling off the subway platform in a blackout comes to mind…

Overall, AA is…I don’t know. I mean, I really just don’t know. Yet, do I need to? I talked with a potential sponsor for a half hour after the meeting tonight, and if anything I realized just how rambling I can be — and need to be, I guess — with total strangers when it comes to all my “drinking shit.”

Anyway, they picked the third step to share around:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Hmm. OK. I don’t know what this means, and I don’t know where will/free will and fate meet and diverge, if they do at all. I don’t know how anyone but myself is going to “care” for me and/or help me to stop putting the wine glass to my lips (so far, it’s been sheer will, and this is the only thing I can think of to do; I mean, no one else is making me drink, y’know?). However, I knew I had nothing to offer and felt that my insight is so limited when it comes to this 12-step business, I just listened.

Most of the people said they did experience a god or god-like presence, or something, taking over and starting to guide them through the day, or away from their cravings. Or whatever. I think. I honestly don’t understand what this means beyond realizing that:

1. you don’t know anything let alone everything, so stop listening to your runaway thoughts; and
2. stop overthinking and just DO, even if your thoughts are telling you something else; and
3. life is a trip, and it’s pretty fucking bizarre and amazing (though, as a biologist, I know all of this and it’s always taken my breath away), so why not run with that?

I need practical. This God-stuff is just…weird. Hard to conceptualize. For instance, I can’t explain why, exactly, I quit — and why it stuck — this summer except for that I had had fucking ENOUGH, my friends had had fucking ENOUGH, and I knew that my get-out-of-jail-free card had long since expired. On a gut level, it was something else, some certainty that I had to stop. And so I did. (Well, tried/trying.) Maybe I HAVE encountered the third step already, maybe it’s not rocket science, maybe I’m twisting my head around and should just simmer down?

My entire life I’ve been doing things that displease me, that vex me, all under the guise of “challenging” and “rewarding.” I’ve had little balance, and it’s a result of my upbringing, my nationality (welcome to USA, Inc.), and my own perfectionist and self-doubting/second-guessing personality traits. I can feel a tangent coming on, so I’ll get to the point: I don’t have to understand God — or how to best make amends, or whatever — in order to simply not drink. I can take it easy, one step at a time.

I can take it easy, one step at a time.

Lately, with all the changes and all the drama surrounding my brother and my dad, I’ve felt sobriety sort of crashing in on me. I’ve even found it hard to write about it. I’ve been trying to make amends with my brother’s girlfriend — who is crazy, by the way — and it’s only messed things up more. Messed me up more, in the sense that now I’ve been presented with a whole new set of feelings, obstacles, and choices when it comes to deciding if I want to push it or accept that my apology letter backfired. Do I write them off, as they seem to have done to me? Now I’m as angry with them as they are with me!?

I could go on and on, but tonight made me realize again that, it’s just me. And, that’s OK. And, if my brother’s girlfriend doesn’t like my style, and if my dad secretly hates me because I’m a successful female professional, and if this and that and that and this…Head E-X-P-L-O-D-I-N-G!

YOU KNOW WHAT? ALL I HAVE TO DO IS NOT DRINK, AND THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO DO RIGHT NOW.

(Btw, tonight there’s a meteor shower and the sky is clear! The sky down here is immense: hot, dark, and alive. Silent, but full of far-off noise. The other night, I saw an astoundingly bright, large, circular meteorite (or was it an alien spacecraft?) rip through the northern sky = amazeballs. I can’t wait to just sit outside on the deck, hear the near-constant crashing of the Atlantic on the rocks below, and watch for falling stars. I had, of course, a long talk with myself earlier about wanting/not wanting wine, and now that is over. The cravings come and go, and it’s always a relief once they’ve passed and I can move on, watch the night sky, and listen to the thick croaking of crickets, coqui frogs, and night bugs; all the while realizing that sobriety is turning out to be the strangest, most surreal trip of them all.)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Sobriety

Counting in weeks now…One down, infinity to go!

19 Oct

10:20 am

I’m one week sober as of yesterday! I’m counting in weeks now.

I went to another meeting the day before yesterday (my second), and I’m glad I did. I don’t know, I just felt…recharged. Renewed. I guess that’s what AA is supposed to do, right? It was nice to meet new people, though, and I’m sure that contributed to the feeling of “doing something” that seemed to negate the feeling of “sure would love to down some wine.”

Sure, I still want to drink every second of every day — and that seemed to surprise someone at the meeting, which equally pissed me off and made me almost laugh out loud — AA doesn’t take that away. In fact, I want to drink MORE after having gone to a meeting, at least based on my little experience with meetings. It’s like that with therapy, too: the second I open the flood gates and either start talking about it to myself or another person, I really wouldn’t mind a cocktail (or, glass or two or three or four of red). The same woman was astounded by this revelation on my part. Meh.

Writing about it, on the other hand, takes away the obsession and/or desire.

So, yes. On Day 8. Or, Week 2. 😉

(I have a bunch of work to do today, and so, I think I’m going to keep on keeping myself ULTRA-busy. That’s what helped me the last time, and I think it’s what’s going to help me this time…through the restlessness, the irritation, the ruminating on my brother and his bitch-from-hell girlfriend/crazy person, my dad’s ridiculous idea of a “relationship” with his own flesh and blood daughter, etc. On a happy note, the island is wonderful! Third time and I feel like it’s home. And, it was SO NICE to meet new people, on my own, instead of through others. I know it takes time to meet peeps that you mesh with, especially after having moved to a new place; and it takes work. For some reason, I don’t want to drink, I’m starting to feel social again, and I want to meet new people, try new things, and in general, get it goin’ ON again! Could it be this sobriety thing? OH! I also actually sort of want to start reading the Big Book. I know, I know, ridiculous, right? It feels like a class, an assignment; I’m good at classes and assignments. But also…I’m curious. AND, I’m so ready to stop drinking, to not want to drink, to absolutely rid myself of the obsession (the voice inside my head and heart that says, A glass of wine would be so good right now, when in reality, it would so NOT be good, would make me feel like ass, and would pack on unwanted calories, all of which would lead to me feeling defeated and guilty). And, based on the near-zero desire to drink this week (probably the least since I quit on June 13th, actually)…maybe the Big Book and the talking DOES help? Hmm…)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Sobriety

And, the AA meeting was good!

17 Oct

9:13 am

Not much to say beyond that. Sure, I want to drink and no, I don’t believe having people to “call” when I want to down wine is going to help — it never has yet — but I’m willing to give it a shot.

When I shared, I mainly did it to let people know that I wasn’t sure how to proceed after getting sober. And, I’m sad — nay, heartbroken — over losing my go-to coping mechanism. I can’t drink anymore, so now what? Life is grand, so now what? I’ve moved and am working, so now what? For me, being sober and sobriety are two entirely separate realities: like, yeah, of course, two months down the line, three months, four months, whatever it’s been, the cravings have subsided; even the obsession seems to be lifting. That’s because I know that wine isn’t what I really want, or need, and most importantly, no longer does the trick. So, why waste time trying to fix “it” with a broken tool?

(I didn’t always feel this way — see my earlier posts — so I guess that’s progress. BUT, I have made this progress on my own…)

The cravings and the pity party aside, I still look at that first step and go, so, how does this relate to getting sober and Sobriety, with a capital S. Life? Powerless over booze, life unmanageable. Sure. So, maybe I have put down the drink. That doesn’t mean that I have any more answers to my questions to life, to the grind than I ever did or ever will. Does AA provide any more than a community of fellow seekers then?

I am just not sure how free therapy and a fellow community is going to erase my drinking problem. I drink to medicate, as we all do. HOW WILL BITCHING TO OTHERS MAKE THAT GO AWAY? So far, I’ve bitched a lot to others, and while it might make the cravings easier to deal with, it doesn’t take them away. AA is not a cure, then. Perhaps it’s more of a crutch, something to help you manage.

Meh. Getting sober is hard work. Sobriety, then, will be continuous hard work.

Raaaaaaambling. I owe you a bunch of posts, but today I have a full day’s work to do (good) and it’s HOT. I’m not used it yet.

There is an AA meeting at 5:30, so I guess I’ll “plan my day” around that. “Keep coming back.” Blah blah blah. I really don’t feel like going, at this very moment of writing. Oh, well, going to put on a fake face and pretend. I’m a journalist, this is old hat to me! 😉 (Plus, it’s a good way to meet people here, if anything else.)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, coping mechanism, coping skills, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Sobriety

AA found me last night…

22 Sep

9:22 pm

Literally. As you know, I was HUNG ovah, so decided, at 7 pm, to take a walk. And, I don’t know why, I just walked up Market to the “gay” Safeway on Church. I guess it’s got a familiarity, that ‘hood, that draws me to it; I used to live right around the corner for most of 2011. Anyway, for some reason (maybe I subconsciously thought, I wonder if there’s a meeting going on in that church? — I went to one there last year, but it SUCKED), I wandered across the street and stopped in front of the gate. A guy was smoking outside, and before I knew it or could stop myself, I walked right up to him.

“Is there a meeting going on?” I whispered. He said yes, and that I should go in. “They’re sharing now. COME ON, just go in.” So, I did.

The meeting found me, I must say. And, I really don’t believe that the speakers and people who shared could have said anything MORE that pertained to me. It was like, they were literally talking to ME, replying to the thoughts that have been raging through my head the past few days: I want to not obsess anymore, I want this craving to be gone, I want it all just out of my head, forever, for good.

I sat my arse down in one of those chairs and told myself, I am not fucking leaving this meeting without talking to people and getting numbers. So, like a good journalist, I went straight up to the front of the room after people started shuffling out and/or hugging (I HATE this, I feel like a newcomer, an outsider — get OVER it, I scolded myself) and waited my turn.

I selected the two “people I want to be like.” They were both men, but very outgoing and gracious. Long story short, I got a sponsor, got three numbers, and made a date to meet up with my sponsor on Monday. I didn’t tell her that I’ll likely be leaving the area soon, but I figured that wasn’t the important thing. What was important is that I finally felt READY to say yes, I am an alcoholic and yes, I am, I think, ready and willing to try anything.

One of the most outstanding things I learned last night was that, no, I am not alone. If I am truly ready to quit drinking, the only thing that stands between me and that is my craving and my obsessing. AND, one of the speakers said something that made total sense to me: you don’t have to be alone in this, and it will go away. If I’ve got more than myself on my side, fighting the cravings, then maybe possibly it WILL GET EASIER to not have them. Or, at the very least, live through them and come out winning (not losing and drinking up a storm again).

It felt a lot like my childhood days going to mass. I was a good little believer, and really, earnestly believed in Jesus, God, the Biblical stories, etc. It felt sort of like that, religious, but in a good way. I felt earnest, and that mattered. I wasn’t cynical (though, I’m still not sure it’ll “work” for me), and I did actually think, Man, if that guy can sit up there and tell me that his craving to drink went away…maybe it isn’t so unrealistic after all?

I also realized that I have been wrong so many times, have made so many erroneous assumptions in my life that it’s hard to imagine that everything I think I know about this disease/obsession/problem is true. Scientists thrive — the world thrives — on proving their assumptions wrong. I mean, the basic building blocks of life are quantum entities? The universe is based on string theory? WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? Who would have imagined this reality, let alone didn’t discredit it based on the simple idea that everything is as it appears. As one of the speakers said, “You know, you guys’ll smoke ANYTHING, right? Why not smoke this?” He thrust the Big Book into the air. I was like, uh, yeah, that’s true! Why not give sobriety (and AA) and what may come a chance?

The meeting was one step forward, which felt good. Another was the letter — two pages — I hurriedly wrote this morning and mailed off to my brother’s girlfriend. I don’t care if some of my somewhat overblown compliments in said letter are sort of white lies — if I want access to my brother, I have to go through her. I’m not fixing them, they seem to think they’re fine, and well, so be it. Anyway, it was I who offended her, bigtime, and never apologized. Sure, I wrote to my brother, but I felt weird and awkward contacting her directly. Anyway, that was another step forward, a necessary step. I don’t know why I’m only now seeing the necessary steps forward, but they are part of getting sober, in a more meaningful way than just blogging in my bedroom and not drinking myself into a coma anymore. I’m relieved, I said exactly what I wanted in that letter; I hope she takes it the right way. If she doesn’t, I feel OK with her one, telling my family about the whole ordeal, and two, not forgiving and/or forgetting. At least I have taken the first step, a mature and necessary one. But, man, that was NINE months ago. I’m one stubborn bitch. 😉

I”m pretty tired and still feeling the hangover, so I’ll sign off. No, I didn’t go to a meeting tonight, but once I get back to the [beautiful island where I now live], I’m actually thinking of doing the steps. Yes, there ya have it. A convert in the making. 😉

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, meeting, recovery, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers, Uncategorized

Interesting Q&A on “rational recovery”

3 Sep

9:53 pm

Here’s a bit of an interview with Tom Horvath, owner of Practical Recovery in San Diego. Interesting and thought-provoking, as always. Thank you, Fix!

Twenty million Americans are diagnosable with some range of chemical dependency. What is it about the addiction treatment field that we are missing?

Well, the treatment system is not attractive enough for most of those folks. A system that is more harm-reduction oriented, which is what you have in most countries, would pull more people in and hopefully help them make resolution faster. The other piece is that recovery is not ultimately about treatment. It is about something much bigger than treatment. It is about society. The American society is one that breeds addiction rather well. Until some of those changes occur, and keep in mind that I am not expecting that, we’ll always have substantial addiction problems.

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, rational recovery, Smart Recovery, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety

Thinking more about AA and my “Higher Power”

23 Aug

6:54 pm

I just read more about AA — basic history, beliefs, the steps, historical context, etc. It’s outdated in a way, sure. But mainly, I think it might just “work” for some people and others, not so much.

I mean, let’s check it out:

1. Powerless? Check. Admitting to this? Um…OK, check. (I hesitate, simply because I really do think that you are not powerless, per se; you want to drink and you have your reasons for doing so. You WANT to get shitfaced and black out and let it all hang out, and YOU FUCKING DO. I ran up against this time and time again, whenever my brother would ask me, So, DDD, you can’t stop after what, three or four glasses? When do you feel like you just can’t stop? And I’d always say, Well, three, yes, three. By the third glass, I don’t WANT to stop. I can, I just never want to. This is, of course, if I’m not already blacking out, in which case I’m not in control anymore. So, yes, check.)

2. Power greater than myself can restore me to my sanity? Sure. Check. I mean, not that I believe that my “higher power” has to be a spiritual entity, as it were. In fact, I can see many a thing being my higher power, including:
*a sense of purpose
*self-love, or the opposite of self-loathing, i.e, I’m good enough and smart enough, so why am I doing this shit to myself?
*a desire to consistently succeed in work, relationships, etc. (especially after seeing what drinking does to them)
*a memory of an absence of craving, and the possibility that life can be like that again
*fear of drinking, and what could happen the next time

3. Turn my will over to God, as I understand him/her? Eh… I don’t know. I think many of us struggle with this idea of fate versus individual purpose. I think it better to consider, WHY do I drink? A lack of purpose, self-hatred, loneliness…maybe even specific circumstances? This could be a lack of “God.” I think turning one’s will over to God could be interpreted outside the context of an actual god (i.e., let a spiritual sense of purpose tell you what to do with your life and time on this planet), but I have seen the more traditional notion advanced in the AA meetings I’ve been to. I like to think of it as, finding my sense of purpose/service, and simply doing that all the time. THAT is what makes me feel less like drinking.

4. – 12. Moral inventory, admitting wrongs, trying to help others. Sort of. On my own, which is what many of us do, on a daily basis. I’m tired of strip mining my mental inventory of horrible drinking mistakes; there ain’t nothing left down there. Running away into booze is lame, yes, WE GET THAT. Making us think that *unless we do the program, we’ll always somehow be selfish drunks?* Kind of a turnoff, quite frankly.

Addiction research has shown that all sorts of neurotransmitters are affected by drinking, not least of which is dopamine, which makes you feel GREAT when it’s enhanced by the booze. Until you realize you’re dependent on this exogenous (outside) source when it’s suddenly taken away. You kill your physiologic feedback loops and it can take a long time for you to normally and adequately start producing dopamine on levels that feel good again. Though, maybe your brain never did, you were always in deficit, and that’s why you turned to booze, or whatever, to self-medicate.

At the end of the day, I drink because I want to fix what’s wrong, not because I intentionally want to hurt people. Maybe other drinkers don’t think twice about why and how and when they turn to the bottle. Maybe that’s why AA works for them, because it’s the first time they’ve put it down long enough to take a look at their “moral inventory.” Who knows?

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Sobriety, Uncategorized

AA is about community, relating, and hope?

20 Aug

1:09 pm

So, I went to an AA meeting down here on Sunday morning (yesterday) at 8 am. Wow. Haven’t been up that early in a long time, actually, and it felt great. Long day, though, of three beaches, a chili cook off, and friends over. 🙂

Anyway, the AA meeting was…good. I mean, I’ve been to meetings before, and my experience has been up and down. The first time it was to women’s meetings in [cold east coast city], the second, to a few meetings in [cold west coast city]. The meetings in [cold east coast city] were awakening and totally refreshing, unless I’m remembering them with rose-colored glasses. At the time, I was an AA virgin. I was a total hot mess, was barely hanging on during my second semester of grad school, and had NEVER gone so far and so bad let alone admitted to or talked about my drinking problem and increasingly horrendous blackouts and hangovers (started to have full-blown, trip-to-the-ER panic attacks). But, I thought the Big Book was ridiculous, and frankly, wasn’t willing to admit that I needed to quit drinking. That was in 2006.

Fast forward to last year, when I tried again to go to AA meetings in [cold west coast city]. They were horrible, just like a lot of social gatherings in that part of the country can be. I’ve lived there for a grand total of 8 years, and I’ve often felt that it is one of the most *superficially* nice places on the planet. When it comes down to it, though, people tend to adopt this holier-than-thou attitude, stay in their cliques, and/or are antisocial. I felt mostly unwelcome — sometimes actively so — at AA meetings there.

Long story short, however, it’s not really about the people or the meeting anymore, it’s about my desire to not drink. The people seemed way nicer at this meeting on Sunday, it really helped to have my boyfriend there with me, and well, most of the ex-drunks were older (like, 50s and 60s and 70s?) so I think the “fresh blood” element worked to my advantage. It’s a small community here, too, so maybe that made the difference in people being less formal and me feeling more welcome. Or, maybe I’ve just grown up a bit and gotten further along on my road toward/of sobriety?

The thing that struck me was not really why or how or whether AA works, or if the 12 steps are beneficial to maintaining long-term sobriety, but how similar these people’s problems with drinking were to mine and how similar the actual progression of the “disease” hit them. It’s the SAME EXACT THING for me, yet I STILL walk around feeling — after over a decade — that I’m the ONLY ONE. The only one feeling this way when I drink, the only one feeling horrible and guilty and *haunted* (one woman used this exact word to describe her feelings of remorse re: her blackout shenanigans) by what I’ve done while blacked out, the only one being reckless and self-destructive and not understanding why but doing it anyway.

I don’t know if I’ll go again, but my desire to quit is as strong as my fear of what will happen if I drink, so…

I had two issues with the meeting:

1. It does seem like every single person in the “room” ended their share (we were supposed to share on “service” and our concept/experience with service — I shared about volunteering in [beautiful island] and my sense of purpose down there practically killing any and all craving to drink) with congratulating AA. Like, they couldn’t stop talking about how great and fantastic and wonderful AA is. I was like, Come on, really? Then again, they talked of their own initial feelings of doubt, arrogance, and self-loathing at the beginning of their participation in AA, so…maybe I, too, just need to “let go and let God.” 😉 NOT!

2. I would not be not drinking if I didn’t want to not drink. I think what is different for me now is the fact that I really don’t want to drink anymore because, frankly, it doesn’t work anymore. It is simply NOT AN OPTION. AA won’t, in my perhaps ill-informed opinion, give you the desire to quit. BUT, what I now see AA as being good if not great at doing is giving you a sense of community, of belonging, of shared experience to help you keep convincing yourself that drinking doesn’t work for you anymore.

In talking with a few people after the meeting, I literally could have been inside their bodies talking about my drinking problem as they were talking about theirs toward the end — that’s how physically, emotionally, and psychologically the same it seems to be for not just us, but everyone who drinks to their end point. The truth is, I am so not alone, so not special, and so…relieved and hopeful to know this. I’m somehow sort of finally convinced that perhaps the confusion, panic/fear, and anger that overtakes me while blacked out is not ME but is, actually, the booze. Perhaps this substance just does the same old thing to everyone? It seems obvious, I’m sure, to nondrinkers, but…well, booze feels intertwined with my personality, my moods, my experiences and therefore, myself. Possibly I can untangle the two and move on with my life? So, yes, I think AA might actually be a good thing when it comes to fighting cravings and “hauntings” that only people who have reached the end of their drinking road can actually particularly relate to.

(We also spent a good amount of time at a chili cook off down here yesterday, and it was hot as a mofo on that beach. Yet, it seemed that quite a few peeps were getting drunk. EVEN IF I COULD DRINK, I can’t even imagine doing so in 100-degree heat…and then having to deal with the hangover and the sunburn? SO NOT WORTH IT.)

Thanks to my readers, I appreciate you guys listening to my ramblings…on day three and finally feeling somewhat not hung over. 🙂

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, blackout, cravings, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Blackout, Cravings, Psychology, Sobriety, Uncategorized

Addiction and AA? Hmm…

4 Aug

12:46 pm

Getting closer to 8 weeks sober, and that’s pretty much all that’s keeping me from cracking open a bottle of red and guzzling it these days. I just FEEL like drinking — it’s been taking all my concentration not to drink, actually. Then again, I’m much (yeah, much, I’d say MUCH) better at coping with the cravings using rational thought. As in:

If I drink one glass, I’ll likely finish the bottle, probably move on to two, or three, since I haven’t drunk for a while. Then, I’ll black out and well, who KNOWS what might happen at this point. At the very least, I’ll be hung the fuck over the next day, which will ruin it. And, I haven’t had a bad, ruined hung over day yet here (this time on island), and I’d really like to keep it that way. So, drinking equals hangover, which sucks.

I have to say, it’s amazing to me that I’ve “re-trained” my mind enough to WANT to choose not being hung over to drinking/being drunk. I’ve regained my sense enough to be able to see that while it’d be great — marvelous — to be drunk, it can only lead to bad things. Is three hours of drunkenness (or less) worth 24 to 48 hours of feeling horrible? Nope.

Again, it’s amazing to see just how you can re-train your mind, how you can overcome addiction, which is of the mind, not the body. AA would say otherwise. AA would also say that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. And I would say what I always say, fuck AA. Get over your dogmatic, outdated, and possibly never in-sync-with-addiction-science mentality, will ya?

Maybe I should give AA another shot, though. It is a community and once you’ve gotten over the hump of staying sober, it could simply be nice to have friends that get it. People who know what I’m going through, that could be there for me when I’m feeling sorry for myself and wanting to binge drink.

I dunno. Everyone talks about how helpful AA can be, and I agree that it IS helpful — to some, and as a way to quit. It wasn’t for me, as every time I went to a meeting, I totally felt like drinking after! All that talk of booze and blackouts…! It’s also a semi-load of bullshit: who made up those 12 steps? Not to mention, AA has always felt to me like you’re replacing one addiction — booze, sex, food, whatever — with another, meetings. Instead of looking inward at the circular thoughts of addiction, at your own reasons for using, or drinking, or binge eating, you’re told to look outside? To a “program?” I guess it’s a start, a method that you can use to quit drinking. Sooner or later, though, you’re going to have to STAY SOBER, which has nothing to do with 12 steps, saying you’re sorry, and turning to “god.”

In fact, I think it’s the (fake) religion of AA, like all religions, that serves the purpose of making folks believe that they’re actually managing their addictive tendencies when in fact, it’s the program that’s distanced them from these tendencies. It’s infinitely harder, I think, to take responsibility for managing an addictive personality or addictive thoughts on your own — but it’s the only way to stay sober, mentally and emotionally, and to be glad to be sober physically.

Like I said, the closest I’ve come to a “higher power” was that ONE TIME a few months ago when I felt an absence of craving. Remembering that moment takes me back, again and again, to my late teens, a time of immense…flow. Excitement. Anticipation. Creativity. All without booze. It’s possible, it reminds me, that I once felt that way SANS BOOZE, and that I can, therefore, feel that way again.

What made me start drinking? Where was that fork in the road? Was it a gradual process, a response to my social anxiety that turned into a dysfunction? Of course. Did it get out of control even further, years later, when my mind had come to rely on those circuits being turned on so that others would be turned off? Sure. I could go on, but the point is, I don’t think anyone can tell you whether you’re going to be a drunk for the rest of your life. I don’t think anyone can draw a line in the sand — your sand — and do the work for you by substituting a program with an inner healing process. In that regard, AA is as elusive a fix as some of the drugs and booze we were using!

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, cravings, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Cravings, Psychology, Sobriety, Uncategorized

It’s official: I’m a drunk! ;)

27 Jul

9:12 pm

Dude. I’m taking a break from the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, thinking a few things: one, damn, that Voldemort was huge; two, Kenneth Branagh…again?; and, three, the last opening ceremonies I watched was Beijing 2008 at a bar in [cold east coast city] with an ex-friend, mainly “ex” due to a combination of her ruthlessness when it comes to using people and my drinking problem. Think much?

So, I’ve taken some time off work/”real life” recently (well, for the past 7 months now — doh!) to, I’m realizing, get sober and rediscover myself. Recently I applied to a month-long retreat program at an ashram (think yoga, meditation, and ashram-y things like chanting) on the east coast. I thought I’d be a shoo-in, but I included on my app that I was 6 weeks sober and really wanted to use the program as a step toward healing and, dare I say, inner peace. Well, I finally heard back from them today, and the scoop is that yes, I’d be a great candidate cuz their integral yoga program is all about finding inner peace and the tools to maintain and flourish in that peace in the “outside” world; but no, I can’t come cuz they’re not a “facility” and their policy is at least 6 months sober and/or clean.

Bummer. I guess I had been wondering how I would manage, if my cravings somehow came back and/or if my mood fluctuated and I started to feel trapped, which seems to happen a lot these days.

However, I had a great chat with the “sister” who helps run the place. AND, I thought it very cool that she was 25 years clean, she told me. She offered me her two cents after I told her that my cravings were still quite strong: find a larger purpose outside yourself, in addition to a regular yoga practice; AND, don’t give in/stay sober. It’s a beautiful thing (sobriety), she said, adding that she wouldn’t even think twice about giving in and drinking now. I believed her, for some reason; maybe it was her honesty and earnestness, over the phone, to a stranger.

In any case, it made me think about AA again, and what a 12-step program could offer now that I’m well into resisting the desire to drink. Maybe a sense of community is really, actually, what I need? I never believed that AA could be psychologically beneficial in the long run; to me, it’s just an excuse for lonely people to come together and practice a pretend religion. Or to whine about how hard it was for them to quit spending MONEY THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAVE TO SPEND on BOOZE THAT IS ACTUALLY WIDELY AVAILABLE TO BUY (I’m thinking Haiti here, where there is no money, little booze (and infrastructure to move it around) and therefore, no drinking…unless you do cheap beer, strong rum, or moonshine, which I won’t even get into)! Irritating! Now, well, I guess I can see otherwise. It was just nice to talk to someone who’s been there; I actually thought about believing her when she said, You should resist your cravings because there is a lot of beauty awaiting you.

One more reason to stay sober…for good. Gulp. It’s real. It’s official. I’m a drunk, and now I’m sober. And sticking to it…for the long run. Yikes/Ugh. 😦

Funny, I had a hard time calling myself an alcoholic when she asked me about drinking and my newfound weeks of sobriety. I think I mumbled something about drinking wine a lot, it hurting my professional and personal lives and relationships… BUT, I wasn’t a “raging alcoholic,” you see… I sounded like the drunk-in-denial cliche. Worse, it made me feel confused: am I a drunk, or am I just putting myself through this sobriety nonsense cuz I’m melodramatizing a part of my life so that I feel like I have a goal, or a reason to live, or something higher than myself that happens to be nothing at all, really? Ugh.

Anyway, I SO HEART the Olympics! Such festivities! Such athletes! I wonder how awesome it must be to cover the Games as a sports journalist? Not to mention, how cool would it be to somehow be involved in them?

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, drinking, London 2012, Olympics, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Sobriety, Yoga

What if they can’t forgive and forget?

15 Jul

1:31 am

I’ve been wondering this for a long time, really, but it’s hit home over the past month-plus of my sobriety. What if the people you’ve hurt and/or offended either by the act of your drinking or the result of your drinking CAN’T or WON’T forgive and forget?

My brother is a case of having forgotten (I guess) but not forgiven. And as with some of my friends who have said (or implied) that they’re over what I did while shitfaced, the lack of forgiveness is shown by a passive aggressive refusal to engage; it’s maddening (and saddening). History: I went batshit KUH-RAZY on his girlfriend over New Year’s this year. I mean, I blacked the fuck out and went OFF. Calling her names, yelling at her to get back in the house, saying things like she and my brother don’t belong together, he never does this or that, he’s ruined his life being with her, he doesn’t care about me. I wound down, according to him, several hours later with his help, and at one point collapsed on the floor of their living room and passed out. The next morning was hell on earth, and his girlfriend didn’t even talk to me before I left. (It’s well known in my family, however, that most of what I said about her is true, to be fair. However, no one deserves what I gave her.) Anyway, six months later, and we’re still tiptoeing around each other when we talk, me and my brother, that is. He does have a passive aggressive streak — and is influenced heavily by his domineering girlfriend — so I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t forgiven me. I mentioned I was on my 30th day of sobriety in a recent email, and in his reply, he didn’t comment AT ALL on this. It was a long email, and he made a point of addressing everything in it except that. All I have to say at the moment is that I’m hurt and confused and sort of pissed: after that LONG talk on New Year’s Day (while I was about as hung over as I’ve ever fucking been, EVER) about how I needed to get sober for my health and my family’s sake, he doesn’t so much as bat a digital eye when I tell him I finally have?

I try to put myself in his shoes, though, before allowing myself to start judging what may or may not be an intentional snub on his part. Like, if I was there, being screamed at by my belligerent self, being called all sorts of names by someone who LOOKED PERFECTLY FINE — even though I’m blacked out, I look and act like I’m totally conscious; I’ve done so many things while blacked out that seem the actions of a fully aware, sober person, it’s incredible. If that was ME on the receiving end, I think it’d be REAL hard to find the will to forget, let alone forgive. I was a monster that night, and I know it. I still haven’t forgiven myself, so maybe I should cut my bro some slack.

On that note, I fly to the [beautiful island where I now live] tomorrow for a few weeks, so must get to sleep! My first vacation sober. Wow, it really is like getting a new set of wings — firsts every single day.

(Hmm. Maybe these types of conflicting feelings and interpersonal dilemmas that you face newly sober are, actually, best dealt with in AA? Maybe there is some rhyme and/or reason to the 12-step program? Eh…still not convinced!)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, drinking, drinking buddies, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Sobriety

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Drunky Drunk Girl

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It’s official: I’m a drunk! ;)

What if they can’t forgive and forget?

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