12:07 am
Funny how things seem to work themselves out when you just wait them out. No matter how hard, or irritating, or painful things seem–waiting things out, or, as a friend of mine from long ago used to say, letting things unfold, is all we need to do. Maybe it’s a more positive way of saying, what will be, will be.
It’s the waiting that’s the hardest part. And the not quitting.
Honestly, these past six months (we moved, and I started a new job in a new field) have been long and hard, and lately, I’ve kind of wanted to quit. Fortunately, the difficult part of my job have all decided to leave the organization, which came as a shock on Friday! It wasn’t that I wasn’t willing to continue to strive for a productive relationship, it was just that it was difficult, and stressful, trying to do so. Now? All gone! And once again the lesson presents itself: waiting, watching, seeing, that’s the ticket. Learning how to be patient has been a central theme of this blog, and of my life, really, and I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to be taught the lesson! In any case, I’m super-glad the situation worked itself out without too much turmoil.
It harkens back to getting sober, which is all about waiting, watching, and seeing the changes that transpire, many of them positive, in your life when you just say no–again and again and again–to drinking.
Anyway, it’s been crazy-busy since I started this job, and I honestly feel like with the workload, the learning curve on both personal and professional levels, and the fact that I had a huge backlog, so to speak, of healthcare stuff to take care of–well, I feel like I’ve finally been able to come up for air this past week; to think about my life, my days, my memories, my dreams; to consider what’s happening now, and maybe what’s next…
With all this busywork, I haven’t had much time to blog, or think about my sobriety, or think about my process of getting sober (which all started seven years ago this June!?). I haven’t had time to think about where we came from, which were two category 5 hurricanes! There is an element of awe when I think back to what we went through, and how optimistic and grateful I was back then, not even two years ago. Admittedly, I don’t feel overly optimistic or grateful right now, in the sense that, my appreciation for everything–my sobriety, my love, my dogs, my life, my job, my simple place in this world–is tentative. It’s not tangible, and I don’t know if that’s because I’m tired and don’t have the energy or if I’ve become complacent.
I mean, the other day, I really did think about drinking again/starting drinking again. What allows me to blow off the idea is that it is SUCH an ingrained habit in me now to not drink; BUT, what’s different is that back then, I was fully conscious of how I got here and what I have, whereas now I kind of take it for granted (for lack of energy or time or whatever).
I really want to make sobriety–being sober and being grateful–a part of my everyday life again. I do feel like because of all the changes, and all the busy-ness, I’ve allowed myself to coast. However, sometimes things come up and I see that I’m not really doing anything but putting out the fire and not addressing the source of the heat. Like, I am still angry as fuck a lot of the time; I am still judgmental; I am still really effing bad at making the effort to make friends (when I find it’s stressing me out too much, I tell myself, it’s OK to let it go and be alone if that’s what you crave). I still have issues relating to my parents. Gah. I would love to start addressing all these things–and, addressing how to let most of it go without feeling like I need to fix it or myself. Once again, I think it goes back to being present in my sober life and focusing on the gratitude (for all that comes with sobriety and all that is bound to come).
I feel like I might be ready to finally use my vacation time for a silent retreat of sorts, one that involves connecting with others in a small amount but mainly connecting with myself–allowing time for reflection.
On that note, have a great long weekend, friends. Enjoy the moments that you are not wasting being drunk or hungover…
Drunky Drunk Girl 