3:00 pm
I have been thinking a lot lately about this blog, my anonymity, and the truth of my sobriety: is it built on “lies” because I have remained for so long in the closet? Do I need to come out to be “fully” sober?
For me, the answer is moving toward:
I need to come out FOR my sobriety. I feel stalled, somehow. Stuck. I need to come out so that I can move forward in my sobriety. Here’s the thing (something I discovered after a stressful morning, and then, sort of weeping out of frustration, face-down on my yoga mat–I give up!, I wanted to scream): I “feel” like a fraud in most things. I feel like a fraud in that, I tell myself, I’m not “really” a writer, I’m not “really” a good person, I’m not “really” sober. I’m just pretending until I don’t have to anymore, until I can let my guard down and be my “true” self. I think we all can relate to this feeling, and maybe it’ll take me the course of my entire life to “fix,” or at least comes to terms with, whatever it is that made me this way.
However, this desire to come out is based more on a desire to…move forward. To fully commit to being sober. To be able to say, This is me, and these are the things I’ve gone through–take it or leave it. To be able to truly help others by, you know, being loud and proud. Part of the biggest threat to an individual’s sobriety is the shame and stigma surrounding the addiction and addictive behavior. Am I not perpetuating this stigma by refusing to put myself out there–primarily out of fear?
The answer, I believe in my heart (no offense to all the other anonymous sober bloggers out there), is yes. I mean, I am sort of terrified of revealing myself because I worry that not only might I lose people, I will lose jobs, respect in the workplace, my entire career. Is that necessarily a bad thing? I doubt it, but I’m not sure how it will all pan out.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need to get other people’s PERMISSION to come out–to reveal my identity to my fellow bloggers, and well, the rest of the world (i.e., all those friends, loved ones, family members, and coworkers who know bits and pieces about my sober story, but none, the full ordeal). In a fit of self-judgment the other day, I realized that, NO, I don’t need anyone’s permission to come out, to take my seat at the table, so to speak. I don’t need anyone to tell me how to do it. I just need to take a deep breath, realize that my fears of losing people are unfounded (i.e., either I’ve already lost them, or they weren’t worth keeping in the first place), and embrace the truth. My truth. To shine a light on my truth so that…I can fully let it go and move forward in my sobriety and sober life!
I feel like my sobriety has only partial integrity by remaining in the closet. I feel like I can’t keep being sober, fully, if I remain an anonymous blogger.
But, I’m not going to do it today. Today, I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here, still working away, still being grateful for both the ups and downs, and still coming to terms with this period of plateau. It’s all good. It really is.
Will coming out be liberating and not that big of a deal? Probably. Can I do it on my own time? Absolutely.
Drunky Drunk Girl 