2:34 am
So, as I wrote yesterday, I fell off the horse Sunday night after 60 days of sobriety. It sucked, I went to my dark place, and I still feel slightly hung over, 48 hours later. BUT, I had a GREAT day today, and despite having drunk I think it was four Diet Cokes and at least two more ginger ales, it was a very healthful day, physically and emotionally.
After I took the dogs for a walk, I went for a run for the first time in a few weeks. I felt pretty good, despite having twisted or overextended my knee recently, so that’s encouraging. I think it’ll really help my mood swings if I’m able to one, set and achieve at least one goal per day, and two, get some endorphins pumping again. In the afternoon, my boyfriend and I met a few friends at a wonderfully secluded beach, and then later, we invited this couple and another over for a dinner party — awesome. I love dinner parties. Very life affirming. And…cool to do it with someone you’re dating. (I thought about the last time I did stuff like this, and, I was for sure WASTED. So, it’s…different and nice and grown up in way that it never was before for me.)
I must admit, I was a tad bit…nervous, I suppose, since we haven’t had guests since we’ve been housesitting and I usually use wine to loosen up the talking joints. Chalk it up to practice (I’ve hung out before sober, of course), or a general feeling of being at ease with my boyfriend, or the crowd (very chill), or the fact that I was flying high on caffeine — I don’t know why, but I felt good, talkative, not at all self-conscious. (Hmm, the question does come to mind: Maybe I’m just way cooler than I give myself credit for?)
Anyway, we went swimming and hot-tubbing after dinner, and I didn’t feel weird at all being stone cold sober. In fact, I totally enjoyed remembering every detail, staring up at the shooting stars, being naked and seeing my friends naked (that was something I totally would have missed if I had been drinking and something I actually surprisingly dug — it made me feel closer to them), feeling the spray of the bubbling water blow over my wet skin… I actually did think at one point, how would I be acting if I was my drunky drunk self? Overly flirty? Somewhat out of line? Totally inappropriate? I’m not sure, and I’m glad I was my mostly awkward self; anything else would have ruined a perfect evening.
I think it’ll be easy — well, easier — to get back on the horse now that I’ve got 60 days practice at being sober. I think my new goals are to fully confront my anxiety and social anxiety while sober, as well as work toward — after 60 days — living sober and not simply “not drinking.” It’s hard down here to do that, in a way, when the island culture is all about indulging in your vices. However, I just can’t see living only to stay sober; I have to eventually embrace being sober, living to BE sober. I think it’s a significantly different mindset: when you’re staying sober, you’re wanting to drink but not allowing yourself, which is constantly frustrating. But, when you’re living to be sober, you’re embracing and enjoying not drinking instead of simply grinning and bearing it.
Two days and counting. 😉
Drunky Drunk Girl 