Tag Archives: PMS

18 weeks and 4 months should NOT be equal, right?

15 Feb

3:37 pm

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but with draft posts titled “Feeling like crap,” “Pangs heard around the world,” and “Where am I?,” I figured I would let whatever this is pass, continue to solider on, and spare you my annoying diatribe(s).

I’m still sober, going on a day after 18 weeks today. But, the other day when I looked at the calendar and it read February 12th, I thought, Wait, I’m ONLY at 4 months? So, how can I also be at 18 weeks, which would be 4 months…PLUS 2 weeks. Um, hello? That PLUS 2 weeks is kind of huge. Le sigh.

I’ve really wanted to drink the past several weeks, but I haven’t. I feel quite practiced at saying no through most of my pangs, cravings, and “thought ditches”…until PMS rears its ugly head. The past week has been bad–sometimes I wonder if it isn’t something in my new environment that is messing up my hormones. I literally felt hung over the other morning, as if I was coming down WAY TOO FAST off a “good” drug–crashing. However, it wasn’t a drug, it was my own internal chemical fluctuations which were off schedule and which, instead of letting me down easy, came to a screeching halt a week early. Hmm. I know it sounds a bit melodramatic, but when I was drinking, I really hit the wine hard when I was PMSing; and, I know it’s difficult to believe, more often than not I never connected the two until after the fact. Duh. Every month it became, Oh, shit, no WONDER I felt so horrible, drank so much, and could SO not even deal with the booze (I always blacked out hard when I was PMSing). Now, I’m hyper-aware of the fluctuations because I can feel every single one of them.

It’s not that life has been bad, at all; I’m grateful that work and dinners and walks, days and nights and everything, well, has been passing smoothly. Sure, there are moments (nightly, lately) when I find myself saying to myself, Do I really need to stay sober, like Sober Sober, anymore? Aren’t I healed? Hasn’t this 24-7 sobriety shit gone on long enough?! I need a BREAK! Just one glass…

I had major pangs last night, which sort of took me off guard. I felt a little bit like crying inside when I looked at the menu and realized that once again–even at a nice restaurant on a nice Valentine’s Day date with my nice manz–I can’t have wine. Not even one glass. And to make it worse? I end up ordering yet another Diet Coke, which I have to say, did not go so well with the pasta. The good news is that I did muster the sense to realize that I wouldn’t really enjoy the wine because I’d be thinking of the next glass, and the next, and the next. It’d be more of an annoyance than…whatever I’m imagining it’s going to be.

What’s the point? The point is, I’ve learned that even IF I want to drink, NO GOOD CAN COME if I do it when I really want to. Because, when I really want to is always when I’m feeling really bad. My strategy is to wait: until tomorrow, until the next project, until the race, until this or that or the other. And, if I wait–even a night–most likely I’m going to feel both happier and less desperate the next day, at which point, even if I drank it’d much likely be a better outcome than if I drank when I was in that desperate state of mind.

Anyway, it’s Friday! And I haven’t even started my work. Wah wah. Catch y’all later!

I wish I could run, but my sciatic pain is killing me!

3 Sep

2:41 pm

I hate to be so incessantly whiney, but here goes:

I’ve been having major sciatica flare-up lately (I’m 38, but have been told I’ve got the back of someone in their 50s on my bad days!), which means, no running and no stretching, even. For those who are wondering, don’t spend 15 years glued to a desk chair for 10 hours a day. Sometimes, drinking would help this pain, but that was usually just a VERY lame excuse (it never really did) to drink!

Most of the time, I stretch at least once in the morning (my personal yoga, or, “me-ga”) and then I do yoga. Good weeks, I’ll do yoga every day. Bad weeks, not at all. I also run and hit the gym on the regular.

This week, however, not only am I having intense cravings, but I’m also PMSing — I feel more distracted/paranoid and depressed/irritable than normal. AND, for some reason, PMS seems to totally exacerbate any back problems I have, including muscle pain and sciatica pain. Lately, my sciatica has moved all the way inside my leg and down my hamstring. What does it feel like? Well, it always feels the same in my lower back, like someone slid a knife through the muscle right above my left butt and is twisting it continually. It throbs and burns. That’s always there. My left buttock feels sore and burns, and lately, my inner leg feels like I pulled a muscle. When I bend down, the pain starts around the outside of my left butt, shoots down around front, curves around where my leg meets my body, and then shoots straight down along my hamstring. Simultaneously, shooting pain goes UP from the front of my left thigh to the outside of my leg, and then triggers shooting pain down the center to left side of my left calf.

All in all, it sucks. I deal, mainly because I don’t know what to do about it. Yoga is out for this kind of pain (it makes it worse), and I don’t want to run because that just tightens my back and makes pain like this in my leg — it feels like an injury, not muscle cramps — worse.

Any ideas? I’m seeing an acupuncturist for a consult tomorrow, but…it’s $$$ and typically, this entire plethora of symptoms eases after I get my period. BUT, like I said in another post, my lower back vertebrae feel gross and clunky these days during some easy floor exercises and that seems very bad to me. If it’s like this now, in a fairly muscular, athletic person, what will it be like 25 years from now? And, is there any relief from this constant pain?

Input and advice much welcome!

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