Tag Archives: tired

Pushing my sober boulder uphill past few weeks

23 Jan

4:47 pm

So, as you may know, I’m going on 15 weeks of sobriety tomorrow–90 days plus 2 weeks. And, let me tell you, the past 2 weeks have been hard. I’ve felt so lethargic, mainly due to the slightly overwhelming number of things I now feel I have to start on. Resume.

And, I’ve been leading full days, too (well, full for me right now): walking the dogs, working out, closing several editing projects. Yet…there’s so much more to do!

Now that I’m sober…I should (want to) start some “beat” science and health reporting around the island. (In process today. We’ll see where my footsteps lead…)

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) re-apply to some public health master’s programs and/or re-visit my deferment at a school down south.

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) invite peeps down here to vacay, and make a trip back up to [cold east coast city] to reconnect.

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) start on/re-visit some personal writing projects; I’d be heartbroken if I didn’t at least TRY to do something with/about them. (The truth will set you free, right?)

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) come to some sort of…resolution?…about starting a family. I sense it’s something I can no longer reasonably put off. (Well, maybe one more year… 😉 )

Now that I’m sober…the list goes on and on.

I want to and feel excited about the future and the work that lies ahead, but I’m tired, too. Mentally. I guess staying sober IS a full-time job, mentally and emotionally. It has been for me. At the same time, I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels, spending all my time getting up the energy to do stuff and not executing. I want to, sure, but my body is like, Oh, what? I guess it’s still Fake It Till Ya Make It hour, but I’m wondering, when does that turn into Make It?

So, I’ve been pushing that boulder, and having no time or energy really to think about drinking–the more I think at all, the more things I come up with to put on my to-do list. So it goes. Sigh.

Then, I force myself into “mantra mode:”

One day at at time
Give your MIND time to heal, and not just your body
You’ve accomplished SO MUCH getting sober, probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do–so be proud, take stock, and build on that
Be patient
Stay on track

The last is a big one. Just because my thoughts and feelings are bringing me into the center of a mental black hole, doesn’t mean I have to let them. Sit back and watch them pass. They will. And, don’t react to anything. Just sit back, grind it out if need be (you can do it, you really can), and let them go. And, they will. Annnnnnd, then it’s back to your regularly scheduled PLUGGING and PLODDING, which are, by the way, AMAZING programs. Have you seen them? If not, you should. 😉

Time to get to work, I suppose. Poor old me, with all these CHOICES and OPPORTUNITIES. (For me, remembering that I bring on a lot of my stress due to overthinking and overplanning, due to expectations and self-judgments–it helps to remember that all these ideas and choices and things to do are GOOD, nothing is BAD, and no one is out to get me, beat me, or otherwise hurt me. Unless we’re talking about journalistic colleagues and people I’ve hurt while drunk, but I’m going to ignore the fact that I have very real enemies and pretend everyone is riding a unicorn with sparkly teeth, just like mine.)

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