Question answered

16 Jun

10:36 pm

Aaaaaaand I won’t be going out tonight.  Neither of us felt up to it, is the short answer.  The long is that I’m pretty sure my friend either still associates me with LATE nights or she wants to make me feel bad so that it undermines my efforts at real sobriety.  I can’t tell.

In any case, I’m bummed/slightly pissed off.  NOW WHAT?  Even though I had convinced myself that I for sure wasn’t going to drink, a part of me was hoping for the chance to have that just one.  Ugh.  See?  THIS is how my fucked up brain works!  And, I probably would have drunk tonight, despite expressly stating in my text back to my friend that I wasn’t going to!  Not to mention, didn’t I just get through telling myself, rationalizing my thought process OUT of the whole, I can have just one and it’ll be fine, mentality that makes me a drunk in the first place?

I’m anxious, though, and would love to take the edge off.  I’ve got a big day tomorrow of editing (for a possible job, which really puts the pressure on), reading, doing yoga, and having dinner with a friend in the evening, for which I DEFINITELY do not want to be hung ovah.  I have to call my Dad.  I also have to research some shit.  Is that trip to S. America actually going to happen next month?  Where will I be working?  Where, pray tell, will I be living?  (My sublease is through the end of June.)  It all just makes me want to drink!

Oh, well.  Deal, I must.  Wait for it to pass, I shall.

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