1:46 am
Nine mofo days. Well, going on. And, man, that bottle of red at the top of my wine rack is lookin’ purdy damn tasty.
No, I didn’t blog last night and yes, I bought a bottle of red on my way home from another super-sweateous hot yoga class, but NO, I did not drink it! Not one drop. Sure, I thought (and probably dreamt) about it, but somehow my willpower sustained me through the gong of midnight. As it has tonight, to my amazement! (In fact, I can almost feel the release of the craving, as if it moves off me like a wave receding from the sand with every spin of that second hand around the clock. The further away from midnight I get, the easier it is to buck up for another day of sobriety. AND, be happy and grateful about that simple fact.)
I was talking to a friend of mine tonight, and he gave me some good advice, mainly, The cravings are never going to go away, it’s just going to get easier to deal with them. I think he’s majorly right, and that kind of majorly sucks. Tonight, for some reason, my craving is more intense than it has been since I quit, but not unbearable or out of control.
My friend suggested switching up my routine, too, becoming more of a morning person. Work out or do yoga at 7 am, and I bet that by 10 or 11 pm, you’ll be too tired to even think about drinking, let alone stay up to do it. I might give that a shot; what do I have to lose? The thing is, I’m a night owl and my “witching” hour(s) always involved sipping a glass or six of red while relaxing into the day finally being over; or, settling into a few hours of “me” time, which, to be frank, had become much less about me and more about the excuse to get drunk.
I still want to drink, but…tonight, I guess I do feel stronger, more rational. Like, I can definitely feel my brain centering itself, no longer TOTALLY tilted to the left in favor of drinking. It’s more…leaning to the right, with thoughts that are becoming louder, like:
If you drink, you’ll fuck up your EIGHT DAYS OF SOBRIETY. NO!
If you drink, you won’t be able to see what it’s like after eight days, and…you’ll have to go through another eight days to get here again! NO!
If you drink, you won’t lose that wine gut! NO! NO!
If you drink, you won’t be able to be that self-righteous prick at the wedding next weekend, the one who gets to look down on everyone automatically assuming she’s going to get shitfaced and do something retarded, and say, Ohhh, no thanks. I had my last drink on my birthday, a whole 18 days ago. NO! NO! NO!
If you drink, it won’t feel better for long. And, the down will feel worse than what you’re feeling now. I’ve been creeping closer and closer to full acceptance of the reality that, When you drink, you go up, but then you come down. And you feel even more down because you’ve been high. I’d rather just stay low, to be honest. That way, there is no crash, no reality check, no down.
If other people I know can do it, I can, too, damn it.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I am hanging on every word in this post. I am 2 days sober, so I’m just finishing up the second day of feeling like ass. I’ve been crying all day (maybe that’s how the liquor is escaping my body ). Anyway this is the post that I will read for the next 6 days. Because I want to know what day nine feels like damn-it!!!
I am hanging on every word in this post. I am just 2 days sober, so I’m just finishing up the second day of feeling like ass. I’ve been crying all day (maybe that’s how the liquor is escaping my body). Anyway this is the post that I will read for the next 6 days. Because I want to know what day nine feels like damn-it!!! Thank you DDG for documenting this journey. Hopefully I’m waking up to day nine, when your waking up to day 180!!!
Sorry for the double post, it was my first try.
I just found this blog, as I am desperate, searching for help via the privacy of the Internet. I have not yet begun my journey but I plan to after this weekend. (Alcoholics can always find excuses to drink another day but I feel a funeral ranks among the best of them so pardon me while I bury yet another friend due to addiction) So the diet starts on Monday. Anyway, I’m happy I found your blog, as it seems I am on the exact same path you were once on and it gives me hope to see you succeed. I am a 40 year old female who loves loves loves red wine. I call myself a writer, however, I haven’t written much in a long time. Mostly because I’ve been too busy being drunk. And then when I do write, I get frustrated because I can’t remember how to spell simple words and simple grammar is all but lost. So I get upset but a bottle of wine makes me forget that I was upset. But in my few sobering moments I understand the damage that I am doing and I realize that something needs to change, once and for all. I found your blog simply by googling “alcoholic woman 40’s liver damage” or something to that affect. I started from the beginning because that is where I’m at. I look forward to reading all about your journey; I feel it will offer guidance along the way. Thank you for sharing.
Aw, you are welcome! Reach out anytime if you want a sober buddy…
Ok, here I am 4 days sober and loving and hanging on to every word of your blog. I sooooo relate to your feelings. I am reading 2 – 3 days blogging at a time because I want to see if I feel as you did. Can’t wait for my day 9 B#itches
GREAT! Love that people are still reading it… I need to start writing more–so, so much to look forward to sober, not just the getting sober part! Stay strong–you got this!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am on day 2 and can so relate to everything you are writing. Gives me so much hope that I can do this too. When you wrote that the highs only come with lower lows really resonated with me. UGH!
Hi there; I’m on Day 4. I’ve just started reading your blog. You write so well, I’m supposed to be working right now so I best get at it but I wanted to say I’ll be reading at home right through until I catch up to present time. As for this post, I don’t know how you could have a bottle of red and not drink it. That thing would be talking to me, taunting me … drink me … drink me. I just can’t imagine having it near me right now. I’m just not that strong yet. I hope to one day be able to have it in my home for guests … but I’m just not there yet. Thanks for your blog, I think it’s going to help me through.