1:45 am
I don’t feel like writing tonight, and I think it’s a combination of being HOT (my apartment is stifling hot and I’m afraid to turn my A/C unit back on because it’s leaking all over the outside of the building) and I’m tired. Bored. Restless. I just spent a few minutes discussing my “lack of craving” tonight on the phone, and why it’s so great, and now all I want to do is drink. Sigh.
Still, the reality is clearer than ever, and maybe that’s what’s making it easier to simply say, Fuck it, why bother? The reality is that being drunk is not significantly different or better than being sober, at least not anymore. It’s not different (i.e., better) ENOUGH to be bothered with, and definitely not better enough to break my winning streak of almost 10 days sober. It stinks of effort, as one of my friends would say. And that’s simply depressing. Might as well throw in the towel and go to bed.
…
Throw in the towel? I mean, I had a very productive day but yet, I don’t feel like I did enough. Or, I feel like my enforced (literally) “me” time wasn’t necessary, or was a waste. That’s the thing I’m trying to change, though, the idea that I can’t do anything fun, or easy, during the day. It’s what drove me to drink in the first place. I realize that I HAVE to turn it off, close the laptop, put down the book, stop the working out and just…chill. Balance — it’s absolutely necessary in that without it, I get frustrated, overwhelmed, and desperate to shut down with a glass or six of red wine. I need to remember that I don’t have to work 24 hours a day, I can take time to play.
Sigh. Good thing I’m tired, otherwise I’d probably stay up and feel depressed, my mind numb, my body lethargic, and say, Eh, why not? It’s just grapes…
Drunky Drunk Girl 
10 days is a lot. Well done. Shit ain’t easy. Right there with you. Glad I found your blog.
Thanks! I appreciate any and all support, and hope you keep reading — nice to know someone’s out there getting it. 🙂