11:18 pm
And I shouldn’t be! I should be seeing rainbows and unicorns, but I’m seeing red. Well, pink. I chalk it up to the anger not subsiding but getting stronger during this strange phase of withdrawal, exacerbated by my agitation and annoyance at having to grind it out every fucking day. No drinky makes Drunky Drunk Girl pissy.
First, let me tell you that I do applaud myself. I do appreciate that it’s getting easier, if only easier to resist the nightly (and sometimes daytime) cravings. And yes, I feel much better physically. Yes, I LOVE not being hung over. Yes, I’ve gotten a lot more done. Yet… I feel sad, I guess is the best way to put it (in addition to irritable). Life is sad without wine, it really is! Sad in that it’s boring, in a way; uneventful; mellow. There’s no excitement, no cerebral buzz to look forward to. “Normal,” mundane life is just not enough. It never was, I’m afraid. (Is this me talking, or the mental and emotional crutch that wine is? I know it’s the latter, at least I hope, but I simply can’t FEEL it to be truth yet.)
Looking back on these two weeks, I’ve come to realize that I’m agitated most of the time by the struggle not to drink, by the desire to get buzzed. I’ve also come to accept that I drank not only to ESCAPE from reality, but also to ENHANCE my daily existence. And that’s not a bad thing! Yes, people, it’s not just about escape, it’s about the good stuff, too. I like (liked? sigh) drinking because I like how it augments, or adds, to what would otherwise be a steady, but mundane, list of days, months, and years. I’d venture to say that’s why most of us drink in the first place.
And, when I think of those people who wrote me off, those who showed such little empathy, I can’t help but fume. I mean, if it had been more than once for most, if it had been a constant thing, and if I hadn’t apologized so profusely — if I had INTENDED to hurt and this was a common thread that matched my SOBER BEHAVIOUR… All I’ve got for them is one big, fat Fuck you. Guess who’s getting sober? Guess who’s been dealing with the remorse and the self-loathing for years? Guess who’s gotten stronger day by day in her struggle to recognize her failings and improve? What have you done, aside from pretend you have no issues and live in denial, which is what allows you to so easily judge others? To them I say, Good fucking riddance.*
In fact, fuck AA, too. I have issues with AA, but mainly I resent the approach because not only does the program demonize your problem with compulsive behaviour (which is a brain fart, not a moral failing or flaw, btw), but it also puts the blame squarely on you such that it’s always the people you’ve hurt, inadvertantly, who become the victims. What about the drinker as victim? I mean, I feel like part of what made me — and no doubt others — start drinking too much was a traumatic experience early in life where WE WERE THE VICTIMS! Most people drink to self-medicate some hurt, some previously induced or present pain. Are not we, too, the victims of our drinking disorder? Shouldn’t we get some empathy, some understanding, and not simply lumped into a hot-mess pile of “fucked up people who deserve to be unhappy?”
Granted, I take full responsibility for my actions, but all I ask of people, especially those who have written me off either directly or in the back of their minds (Oh, she’s NEVER going to get well, she’ll drink herself to death… all the while HOPING that I don’t, since that means seeing me happy and productive and gasp!, possibly a competitive threat): have some empathy. TRY. And, just for shits and giggles, because I’m feeling rather irritable, here’s the letter I would write (if I was in the 12-step) to the people I’ve hurt who have written me off*:
Dear Judgmental Asshole:
I’ve already apologized a million times, and I refuse to continue to live in the past, prostrating myself before you over and over. I’m done apologizing. You don’t have the right to refuse my apology anymore. And, let me tell you, as I exit my dark night of the soul and you enter (or will be soon entering) yours: I hope it’s long, painful, and arduous. I probably won’t be there when you ask for my help, my understanding, my empathy and dare you need it, my forgiveness.
SEE? Sobriety isn’t the rainbows and unicorns it’s cracked up to be from the outside looking in.
*Disclaimer: There are marvelous people in my life — brothers, mothers, lovers, friends — who have done nothing but empathize, check in, deal, manage, and support me and my belligerent alter-ego during the past near-decade of my out-of-control drinking, and I salute, honor, love, and admire them infinitely.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Keep coming back. TOGETHER we do recover. xo Heather
Thank you, Heather!
You inspire me! Thank you.
Thank you, Julie!
I re-read that post just now…WOW, I sound really bitter. I think I’ve come to simply Let It Go since then. I’m still bothered, in a sense, at some people’s refusal to stay in touch, or inquire about my life and drinking habits now (especially my brother), but the *process* of getting sober has allowed me (what a gift) to let some of that anger and resentment and bitterness go. Who CARES what anyone else thinks? And, if those people of my past are no longer in my life, well, so be it. That was then, this is now. I hope they’re well… Plus, there are so many other amazing, good peeps to live my life with, to befriend and get to know…
xx
Wow, this is so helpful. I am on Day 3. I really just want to read about the daily physical changes and challenges people go through in the early days. . . you have mentioned a lot of them. I don’t feel any cravings. I feel great.
I really like what you are saying about the drinker being the victim. I have been pretty much ignored by my friends rather than anyone recognizing that I could really use some support.
I just wanted to say I am so happy to have this stuff to read b/c it is my ‘therapy’ right now b/c I am not into AA, not at all. So the blogs are my sponsors. I may quit counting days soon and just focus on feeling good and treating myself well and feeling stronger. Still getting over the detox part, bloated, tired, very hard to concentrate and no one knows you’re going through it. . . looking forward to the strength to go for a jog this weekend.
Thanks for your blog.
” I’ve also come to accept that I drank not only to ESCAPE from reality, but also to ENHANCE my daily existence.”
…💔 yes..
Thank you! 🙂
This post. I just found your blog tonight and can’t stop reading. I felt every word of this one but could have never put it into words. I’m on day 3 and I guarantee I’ll be coming back to this entry frequently in the coming weeks. Thanks for sharing.
Hey, DDG! I am 5 Days sober… really, 4 days and however many hours i made it through today so far… but! This is the longest I have gone in YEARS!! I am really proud, really scared, and really excited. I found your blog and am EATING IT UP! This post was especially helpful for me, because I have been having lots of trouble being serene and thankful and calm about my choice to give up the drank. I will most likely be posting a lot now that i found you, and your excellent community of others who struggle and win on an daily basis.
YES! Keep going–you can do it. It’s hard, but so very worth it.
This resonates deeply with me. I’m again on a path of sobriety, day 3, 50th try. What I have the hardest time with is people just not understanding and accepting that I’m an alcoholic. They try to talk me out of what I KNOW, what I cannot escape, the very truth of my personal experience in this life. And with that comes the shrugging off and minimizing and NOT FUCKING LISTENING!! I’m asking for help, y’all. I’m asking for you to understand, fuck, I’m begging for it. I haven’t had a “rock bottom ” and I didn’t black out much or really cause much ruckus…quite the opposite, really, I’m the really fun and sociable and raise the mundane to party level one. Maybe people don’t understand because to them it seems I’m always having a good time. Unfortunately, or fortunately, maybe, they are not in my brain when I wake up, embarrassed and depressed by my failing, again, at just being able to be me, without enhancement ( a glass or 6, if you will). I’m finding it the hardest to just feel understood and encouraged by my loved ones without the questionable eyes. Maybe I’ve been the one who has ditched people close to me for not feeling wholly accepted. Maybe it was easier for me to feel alone. And for that I feel resentful. Thanks so much for giving me a place of solace. And a much healthier addiction…your Blog is like reading my thoughts. I’m so happy I’ve finally found some understanding.
I get all of what you’ve said here–and I’m simply glad that what I am/was thinking is helping others to cope. Sigh. I wish I could say that eventually they will get it, understand you, empathize and forgive; but after 4 years (of mostly being sober; I’ve had slips) and a LOT of thinking, I guess it comes down to, no one cares that much. People, on average, don’t understand binge or addiction behaviors–and the associated mental health disorders that go along with them. Mainstream folks are just that–mainstream. There are some who choose to NOT empathize, and those are people you don’t need in your life. I’ve said goodbye to those people, and for the most part, it’s out of a desire to move forward (as in, I am not bitter anymore, I just don’t have the time to care about convincing or explaining to those people). On average, though, I just don’t think most people can put themselves in your head, and what’s going on in your head is totally, 100% WAY MORE than what anyone else can, or has the energy or time, to deal with. Once you get sober, I think some of the resentment will subside because you will realize that in ALL things, sobriety and otherwise, it just does not matter what anyone else is thinking about you. (in a way, I’ve realized that maybe all those mainstream folks have reached that point, and are treating me the way I treat others now when it comes to needing mental space to deal with my inner life…?) Hang in there, and ignore the haters, and just don’t give up on yourself. You matter, and you are important, and your sobriety is key to EVERYTHING else. HUGS.