2:03 am
I woke up not wanting to get out of bed. I’m going to sleep not wanting to get into bed. What’s the point?
I’d drink, but I’m counting days again and really, will it change anything? Nope.
Are these mood swings/existential mini-crises a normal part of both short- and long-term sobriety, or are they the reason why I started drinking in my early 20s in the first place? Which reminds me to blog about panic, anxiety, depression, and booze — tomorrow.
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Drunky Drunk Girl 
Hang in there. You are certainly not alone. The general “WTF, why cant I sleep, wake up, stop crying, calm down…” thing is a real bitch. My lady (hate saying “my therapist”) says it’s probably a combo of underlying depression/anxiety, our brains trying to regulate after years of booze fucking with dopamine levels, etc., and just good old fashioned fear and panic surrounding change, which we used to deal with by drinking, and now have to just face. Fun stuff, isn’t it?
Thanks, Chicago. It’s so hard to explain these feelings — not to mention, maybe underneath it all, I am simply depressed/depressive? It’s so easy to dismiss the chemical changes and all the panicky feelings related to not drinking/being sober. Thanks for being there. I just want to sit down and cry right now, since I drank last night strictly to make myself feel better and it did not work. I just can’t use it anymore, the drug no longer works. Period. 😦