Another day, another day sober. Meh.

7 Sep

11:29 pm

I’m probably going to bring y’all down, but so be it.

I’m bored. And lonely. And, well, kind of feeling like I always did before I drank. Which makes me huff and puff to myself, What’s the point of this sobriety thing if I feel the same as when I was drinking?

Like I said in a previous post, the improved mood is subtle. VERY subtle. I want to feel BETTER, awesome, amazing. It’s been almost 90 days (minus 2), and honestly, I don’t feel that much different. I feel sober. ALL THE TIME. 😦

Sure, I’m not hung over and overall, I feel a lot healthier and calmer. The problem I have is, I still think about drinking all day, every day. I still think, Can I drink today, what if I drank today, can I, huh, huh, huh? Please, just one glass? Even if I KNOW I’m not going to drink, have committed to not drinking, these obsessive and incessant thoughts are like the wash on the canvas of my brain. And, I feel restless — not as much, but still restless. Frustrated. Something’s missing. Something HUGE is missing, is how I feel all day, every day. Wine used to quench that fire, which was burning for nothing. Now the fire burns for nothing all day, every day.

It could be that I haven’t truly changed my life. At all. Before, I was going to work at a job I hated, a job that didn’t provide me with any personal satisfaction or sense of creative or professional accomplishment. It ate my soul. Now? I still do the same kind of work, albeit a little less aggravating and a little more fun (science editing instead of technical writing), just from home.

Maybe what I need is a new project, something that I can finally dig my teeth into (like, a book, or a fast-paced reporting job)? Sometimes I think I need a career change. A complete 180 from writing and editing. Something to do with my day that doesn’t seem like just a way to avoid drinking, or pass the time, or strive to improve myself. Pretty much every hobby I have revolves around self-improvement: running, yoga, playing guitar, reading, watching movies that expand my mind. ARG. I need something bigger and different from what I’ve known for 15 years, something that drives me, makes me actually WANT to get out of bed and go to sleep so I can get up and get out of bed to do it again tomorrow. I don’t have that anymore. And, I really have no idea what to do to get it back.

THIS has been a huge part of my descent into becoming a wino: I don’t have a sense of purpose that makes sense to ME, that fills me, so therefore, I have nothing. And, I drink to fill that hole. I panic in trying to find it. I drink to subdue that fear. Maybe I won’t find it? Maybe nothing ever will be as fulfilling — or exciting — as it used to be in my 20s and early 30s? Maybe this is just life?

I often have a feeling of been there, done that these days. Well, it’s been growing since about 33 or 34. And, I HAVE BEEN around and done a lot. I feel like I’ve seriously hit a plateau; there is nothing new under the sun. Ultimately, I’m not sure I have anything left to truly look forward to. That’s not to say that I don’t love life; of course, I do. Deep down, we all do because it’s all we know, life. Yet, the things I think I might really (of course, it’s always got to be “really”) look forward to — volunteering in Africa is one that pops into my head — scare me. Does it have to be such an all-or-nothing life, though? Stay here and rot, or scare myself to death? I need new goals, sure, but I also need to find new ways to enjoy life here and now. This can’t be how it’s going to be forever, otherwise I will drink again.

On top of it all, I flipped a homeless dude off today. It’s downright upsetting living here sometimes. I get so tired of walking around this town, shoulders clenched against the wind, gut protected from the homeless hot messes around EVERY CORNER. Upsetting is an understatement. Traumatizing is more like it! I’ve been called everything from bitch, to whore, slut, cunt, and you-should-be-raped…by complete strangers just walking down the street. Granted, they’re all addicts and/or mental cases, but still…it GETS TO YOU. Yup, it was my mistake to move downtown, but I had no other choice at the time. It’s really hard for me to feel empowered in my own sobriety when I am cowering, in a sense, protecting myself against the mental and emotional drain that is what seems an ENTIRE FUCKING CITY IN RECOVERY.

Yep, I really want to drink tonight.

Another day, another day sober. Meh. I hate to say it, but at least I’m not them, or in their shoes. I mean, most of the addicts I run into here — crack, coke, oxy, heroin, all of the above — are beyond help. Like, I used to think that everyone could be helped, but…these people are like the walking dead. So, I really hate to think this, but I do: I’m glad I’m turning my addiction around before I end up spending entire days, and not just nights, wandering around in the cold, talking to myself in an altered state of stupor.

Peace and love, y’all.

6 Responses to “Another day, another day sober. Meh.”

  1. facingfactsaboutmyself September 8, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    Hey DDG, Thats a rough deal, particularly having to deal with that abuse on your doorstep. It sounds like you are searching for direction, and perhaps alcohol was a way of putting off that search and all the attendant uncertainties and risks. You might get some value out of a book I’ve read recently “finding meaning in the second half of your life” by james Hollis. It’s made a huge difference to the way I see things. Take care, Paul.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl September 8, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

      Thanks for your comment. Today feels much better. I look back at my post and think, man, I need some new direction all right, and wine was definitely a way of putting off the search (no energy if you’re hung over all the time, so a good excuse not to, right?)…and the risks (no risks if there is no search). New hobbies, new interests, new explorations…the time has come. That’s got to be much more interesting than spending time in my head thinkin’ about drinkin’! I will def check out that book — sounds like a perfect read for me at the moment.

  2. Chicago September 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

    Yep. I can relate. I’m 35 and have had that “what’s next, what am I doing, what’s the point” feeling all my life. Ants in pants syndrome. I have definitely made the connection between that feeling and drinking, b/c drinking = everything is calm, all is right with the world (until my evil twin comes out and I wreck that world and everyone’s world who happened to be in my path!). I also remember that feeling being amplified in SF. (My friends and I call SF “The Big Angry” for a reason.) Keep your head up, and know you are certainly not alone in those feelings. Also, I used to sing a little “Go Fuck Yourself” song in my head or out loud when the SF crazies would get to me. Try it, it works!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl September 8, 2012 at 8:15 pm #

      HAHA. “The Big Angry.” That pretty much hits the nail on the head, better than my 4,000-word diatribe hating on the place! I’m so, happy, I guess, to hear that others feel the same somewhat indescribable feelings about SF that I feel. I know I need to move on (read my comment to Paul above), and I’m really excited to finally be starting some new projects and new things I’ve never tried, but…I hate thinking that I may have missed out on a lot of great people hidden under this city’s dark grey cloud of fog. LA, NYC, Mexico City come to mind for me. Maybe I’m just a big-city girl. Sometimes I think the northwest US should just be made its own state, like Alaska. The Northwest — cold, wet, and angry. 😉 Thanks for your comment!

  3. runningonsober September 8, 2012 at 11:42 pm #

    I grew up in Southern California. California def has its own form of crazy.
    Meh, don’t really know what to say… bad days happen, drinking doesn’t make ’em better, just adds to the shit pile. But still, I know it sucks when you’re having a bad day. Hope tomorrow is less suckier. Hang in there girl.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl September 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

      Yup, so true. I think it’s more a personal issue of mine: being ready to move on and not having done so/coming home again only to find out that it’s not the place I left. Lots of stuff goin’ on…but blaming THAT on a city or generalizing about a place isn’t the most effective approach. Plus, I’m actually quite affected by my surroundings, and SF has always been more a downer for me, for multiple reasons. Thanks for your support, it means a lot to me…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


One family's journey to longterm recovery from alcoholism


Trying to ace sober living

absorbing peace

my walk away from alcohol


recovery from booze, a shitty father and an eating disorder

Violet Tempest

Dark Urban Fantasy & Gothic Horror

Walking in Sober Boots

Footfalls on a Path of Recovery

Sober Mormon

Navigating life after Mormonism

Ditching the Wine

Getting myself sober; the ups and downs

The Sober Experiment

Start your journey of self discovery

Sober and Well

Live your best life free from alcohol

The Phoenix Files

The Outspoken Opinions of S.M. Phoenix


Filling my Cup with What Matters

winesoakedramblings - the blog of Vickie van Dyke

because the drunken pen writes the sober heart ...

I love my new life!

Changing my life to be the best me. My midlife journey into sobriety, passions and simple living/downshifting.

Sunbeam Sobriety

Just a normal lass from Yorkshire and her journey into happy sobriety


Welcome to my journey to end my addiction to wine!

Without the whine

Exploring the heart of what matters most

Find Your Sober Glow!

5 and a half years sober - inspiring and supporting women to live their best sober life!

New Beginnings

My Journey to Staying Sober.

Sober Yogi

My journey to wholeness


A sobriety blog started in 2019

A Spiritual Evolution

Alcoholism recovery in light of a Near Death Experience

No Wine I'm Fine

An alcoholfree journey in New Zealand with a twist


I am a retired teacher who quit drinking and found happiness! After going deaf, I now have two cochlear implants!

Life Beyond Booze

The joys, benefits and challenges of living alcohol free


In reality I was barely functioning at all - life begins with sobriety.

Mental Health @ Home

A safe place to talk openly about mental health & illness

Faded Jeans Living

By Dwight Hyde

Moderately Sober

Finding my contented self the sober way

Sober Courage

from liquid courage to sober courage

Musings Of A Crazy Cat Lady

The personal and professional ramblings of a supposedly middle aged crazy cat lady

Life in the Hot Lane

The Bumpy Road of Life as a Woman 45+

Wake up!

Operation Get A Life


A psychiatrist blogging about her own demons and trying to deal with them sober

Storm in a Wine Glass

I used to drink and now I don't


I got sober. Life got big.

Laura Parrott Perry

We've all got a story to tell.

Finding a Sober Miracle

A woman's quest for one year of sobriety

Dorothy Recovers

An evolving tale of a new life in recovery

Lose 'da Booze

MY Journey towards Losing 'da Booze Voice within and regaining self-control

Life Out of the Box

Buy a product, help a person in need + see your impact.

Laurie Works

MA., NCC, RYT, Somatic Witch

Drunky Drunk Girl

A blog about getting sober

The Soberist Blog

a life in progress ... sans alcohol


Getting sober to be a better mother, wife, and friend


the musings and reflections of one person's mental amusement park


-Postcards from The Cauldron

Guitars and Life

Blog about life by a music obsessed middle aged recovering alcoholic from South East England

%d bloggers like this: