5:07 pm
I feel restless. I want to drink.
I used to drink to quell this feeling. Now, I am observing it and letting it run its course, possible side effect of being depressed later be damned. It’s a combination of wanting to do everything all at once and not wanting or having the energy to do anything at all.
Like, I feel like I’ve done everything under the sun IN MY HEAD, yet have only run a few errands today (unsuccessfully connecting with a few possible buyers of my stuff, unsuccessfully hunting for a few pieces of clothing, successfully hitting the PO to get my absentee ballot stuff rolling). In my head I’ve gone to shambhala — heck, I’ve gone twice — AND done yoga. I’ve run around the Park, cooked a feast, finished a book — shoot, I’ve read the entire thing, front to back. I’ve not only planned my trip to LA, but I’ve already gone on it and gotten back. I’m already enjoying Oahu, Maui, and the Big Island, and am about to book my flight to Kauai. No, I’m back already — Kauai was awesome!
I’ve applied to a MPH program, painted another picture (well, I used pastels the first time, which I guess I can blog about and show you, but it’s a freaky little creation), and sold the rest of my furniture. I did what I planned to do today on my actual paid editing work.
Man, I could use a glass of wine! YES! A glass of wine (more like two bottles) while watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, again. Which, I’ll SO have time for before the gong of midnight pushes today into tomorrow…
THIS is my day, my restlessness, and why I both drank and hated drinking — I felt the need to calm my mind down to do all this shit, and then got frustrated by how little of it I could get done in a day, a week, a month. (Uh, maybe cuz drinking allows you to do absolute JACK?) I hate waiting, and I love dreaming. I’m addicted to dreaming, to staying in proverbial motion, I admit. In my mind, it’s all possible, maybe even practical!
Reign it in. I don’t want to! I want to celebrate the possibilities with wine! YES.
Yet, deep down, I know drinking wine is a way to put them all off. They take courage, and energy, and patience, all three of which are lacking — at least in sufficient quantities — in me right now.
I hate the fact that I can’t burn off this energy by going for a jog, but that’s injury for ya. I somehow managed to strain my right ankle, so in addition to the sciatic and hamstring pain (which is slowly easing up, thank God(dess)), I’ve got one more little thing making me WAIT. I hate waiting. I really do.
I’m going to give meditation a try tonight at the Shambhala center. Let go. Stop trying to control my time and energy to the point that it turns me manic. Thanks, Sober Boots, for your post on realizing that we need to stop trying to be in control all the time.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I remember cleaning and cleaning and scrubbing and vacumning and cleaning some more (Michael Keaton, “Clean and Sober”) when I had all that restless energy at the beginning. I also remember the days I just wanted to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. Anything and everything to not drink.
So sorry to hear about the ankle. Ugh! That even makes walking hard. 😦 BUT like I said, we adapt… Meditation sounds absolutely perfect. I can’t wait to hear how it went! What style? Vipassana?
And here I thought it was just me! LOL I should really get myself to AA, that way at least I’ll have all those footsteps to follow! I definitely feel like I’m spinning my wheels here, wanting so badly for big and mighty things to happen but…still in the real world, on real time! I did Shambhala, which is a form of Tibetan Buddhism. I’ll blog about it right now, but the basic concept is to recognize the goodness in you and to not be aggressive toward yourself…funny, sounds about what I need! Yup, the ankle thing sucks, but I can walk and walking I’ve been doing. It actually does help my mood when I get into grumpy-want-to-drink mode.
Wow, that sounds like it could really be up your alley right about now. I read a book recently, I think it was called, “Borderline and the Buddha” where she is a recovering addict/alcoholic, and is living with BPD, and finds growth and solace in Buddhism and meditation. It was really good if you’re looking for a new read.
AA meetings were really great for me for the support and having people to talk to that “got it.” Blogging is great, but sometimes it’s so nice to just talk and hear others talk about all the shit that we’re going through. It helped me plug back into the real world a little bit too.
Walking…. YAY!
YES! I think I really need to hit up an AA meeting and get involved. I like writing a lot, and at first, I was really afraid to “talk” about my problem, but now…I think AA would be totally different than before. I will check into that book! Thanks for the rec! And, man, walking is great. There is something soothing about it that never was before…(Damn, I should’ve just listened to people in AA to begin with…)
Ohhh lady, can I relate. I can’t wait to hear how meditation goes. I can’t stop the thoughts (in my head, the thoughts look like monkeys on tricycles with drums and glittery leotards) running around in my head for more than one second, have no clue how to meditate. Hope you are finding peace/calm tonight.
HAHA. Your thoughts sound like they know how to have a much better time than mine! 🙂 Well, I think everyone meditates every day in their own way and on their own time, but this is just more focused, like, sit down now and stop thinking. I’ll blog about it, but yeah, it was a nice…escape. Also nice to meet a few new peeps who are into something good and positive.