Tag Archives: restlessness

Some days are better than others

23 Jun

11:16 pm

Some days just drag. I’m not bored, and I have so much to do–and be thankful for–yet, I have a pull in my gut that says, Go get some wine and make this restlessness go away! It feels like a mini-temper tantrum, and it’s related, I suppose, to not getting my way.

My writing didn’t go well today! Waaaaah! I didn’t get a run in, so missed out on my endorphin fix! SUCKS to be me, me, me, me, me!

Like today. Today. Grr. It was hot. Yesterday I ran five miles; today, I could barely peel my overheated self off the mattress before 10. I managed to do stuff–walk the dogs; start on a labor-intensive and highly aggravating personal writing project; watch the supermoon rise over the fucking ocean, for God’s sake!–but it was sort of in spite of that temper tantrum-y feeling. Normal people might just turn on the TV, but all I can do with this feeling is pace. I used to drink wine. NOPE. Now I get to sit with it, and watch it eat me from the inside out! Grr.

This weekend, I’ve been trying to begin compiling some “stories,” as it were, re: my drinking past, and man, oh, man, does it suck the life force out of me. Ugh. Yes, it was bad and I not only had to live through it, but I journaled through it. Now to rehash it again? Sometimes, enough IS enough, right? Well, if you’re a writer, it’s your job to mine the past. And, I just NEED to do this right now–call it 5th step work, call it gaining a bigger picture of how far I’ve come.

I feel like I’m not entitled to have fun, if I really dig deep. Well, maybe “entitled” is not the right word. I don’t deserve it? I can’t afford it? I spent all my “fun” money. Actually, I took out so many fun loans, it looks like I might be in fun money debt in perpetuity.

The good news? The temper tantrum goes away–maximum it lasts is a day; and if it doesn’t, there’s always that boring book to put me into a sleepy trance so I can blow this joint by becoming unconscious the natural way! And, you know what? My idea of “fun” is different these days, which helps me to accept passing the time more calmly, sans wine. I like just sitting, thinking. Staring, even. Nights spent staring at the moon, or the stars; while, yes, still leave me feeling bored, are what I need. And, I know this.

So, to my envy (I see you, wolfie, it’s YOU, I KNOW it’s you), I say: You can have your evenings out and your brunches. I’ll take my long walks alone with the (what’s now become a pack; more than two) dogs. I’ll take my afternoons reading or writing (trying to write). Lunch on my own. Silence all day, except for that sweet tune in my head–it’s in surround sound, and it’s nice.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a really boring book to get to… 😉

Restless and sober, sober and restless. I want some wine.

12 Sep

5:07 pm

I feel restless. I want to drink.

I used to drink to quell this feeling. Now, I am observing it and letting it run its course, possible side effect of being depressed later be damned. It’s a combination of wanting to do everything all at once and not wanting or having the energy to do anything at all.

Like, I feel like I’ve done everything under the sun IN MY HEAD, yet have only run a few errands today (unsuccessfully connecting with a few possible buyers of my stuff, unsuccessfully hunting for a few pieces of clothing, successfully hitting the PO to get my absentee ballot stuff rolling). In my head I’ve gone to shambhala — heck, I’ve gone twice — AND done yoga. I’ve run around the Park, cooked a feast, finished a book — shoot, I’ve read the entire thing, front to back. I’ve not only planned my trip to LA, but I’ve already gone on it and gotten back. I’m already enjoying Oahu, Maui, and the Big Island, and am about to book my flight to Kauai. No, I’m back already — Kauai was awesome!

I’ve applied to a MPH program, painted another picture (well, I used pastels the first time, which I guess I can blog about and show you, but it’s a freaky little creation), and sold the rest of my furniture. I did what I planned to do today on my actual paid editing work.

Man, I could use a glass of wine! YES! A glass of wine (more like two bottles) while watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, again. Which, I’ll SO have time for before the gong of midnight pushes today into tomorrow…

THIS is my day, my restlessness, and why I both drank and hated drinking — I felt the need to calm my mind down to do all this shit, and then got frustrated by how little of it I could get done in a day, a week, a month. (Uh, maybe cuz drinking allows you to do absolute JACK?) I hate waiting, and I love dreaming. I’m addicted to dreaming, to staying in proverbial motion, I admit. In my mind, it’s all possible, maybe even practical!

Reign it in. I don’t want to! I want to celebrate the possibilities with wine! YES.

Yet, deep down, I know drinking wine is a way to put them all off. They take courage, and energy, and patience, all three of which are lacking — at least in sufficient quantities — in me right now.

I hate the fact that I can’t burn off this energy by going for a jog, but that’s injury for ya. I somehow managed to strain my right ankle, so in addition to the sciatic and hamstring pain (which is slowly easing up, thank God(dess)), I’ve got one more little thing making me WAIT. I hate waiting. I really do.

I’m going to give meditation a try tonight at the Shambhala center. Let go. Stop trying to control my time and energy to the point that it turns me manic. Thanks, Sober Boots, for your post on realizing that we need to stop trying to be in control all the time.

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