11:16 pm
Some days just drag. I’m not bored, and I have so much to do–and be thankful for–yet, I have a pull in my gut that says, Go get some wine and make this restlessness go away! It feels like a mini-temper tantrum, and it’s related, I suppose, to not getting my way.
My writing didn’t go well today! Waaaaah! I didn’t get a run in, so missed out on my endorphin fix! SUCKS to be me, me, me, me, me!
Like today. Today. Grr. It was hot. Yesterday I ran five miles; today, I could barely peel my overheated self off the mattress before 10. I managed to do stuff–walk the dogs; start on a labor-intensive and highly aggravating personal writing project; watch the supermoon rise over the fucking ocean, for God’s sake!–but it was sort of in spite of that temper tantrum-y feeling. Normal people might just turn on the TV, but all I can do with this feeling is pace. I used to drink wine. NOPE. Now I get to sit with it, and watch it eat me from the inside out! Grr.
This weekend, I’ve been trying to begin compiling some “stories,” as it were, re: my drinking past, and man, oh, man, does it suck the life force out of me. Ugh. Yes, it was bad and I not only had to live through it, but I journaled through it. Now to rehash it again? Sometimes, enough IS enough, right? Well, if you’re a writer, it’s your job to mine the past. And, I just NEED to do this right now–call it 5th step work, call it gaining a bigger picture of how far I’ve come.
I feel like I’m not entitled to have fun, if I really dig deep. Well, maybe “entitled” is not the right word. I don’t deserve it? I can’t afford it? I spent all my “fun” money. Actually, I took out so many fun loans, it looks like I might be in fun money debt in perpetuity.
The good news? The temper tantrum goes away–maximum it lasts is a day; and if it doesn’t, there’s always that boring book to put me into a sleepy trance so I can blow this joint by becoming unconscious the natural way! And, you know what? My idea of “fun” is different these days, which helps me to accept passing the time more calmly, sans wine. I like just sitting, thinking. Staring, even. Nights spent staring at the moon, or the stars; while, yes, still leave me feeling bored, are what I need. And, I know this.
So, to my envy (I see you, wolfie, it’s YOU, I KNOW it’s you), I say: You can have your evenings out and your brunches. I’ll take my long walks alone with the (what’s now become a pack; more than two) dogs. I’ll take my afternoons reading or writing (trying to write). Lunch on my own. Silence all day, except for that sweet tune in my head–it’s in surround sound, and it’s nice.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a really boring book to get to… 😉
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Thanks for the post, DDG! Sooooo much I can relate to here. Especially the overall restlessness/what you call a mini-tantrum, and how to dissolve those feelings without boozing. “My writing didn’t go well today! Waaaaah! I didn’t get a run in, so missed out on my endorphin fix! SUCKS to be me, me, me, me, me!” — I have so many days like this!
All power to ya — I always enjoy reading your posts!
a.r.b.
That is so true….”Some days are better than others”! Hope today is better than yesterday for ya! Hugs!
I have spent too much time today reading a lot of your posts after stumbling upon them. Bravo for your current quit. Tomorrow is my 100th day sober…the longest stretch I’ve had since high school – and I’m 40 now.
My last 99 days have made me feel like I stopped growing the minute I discovered being drunk. Your blog really hits me between the eyes when you speak of growth (or a lack there of). You also speak to me when you mention the baffling reasoning that seems to spring forth from your feelings of non-connection with those around you. I can only shake my head knowingly. My intention here is not to ramble (though that is exactly what I am doing), but rather to say thank you for taking the time to write out your thoughts during this journey. I often feel very alone on my ship towards sobriety and it is very comforting to be able to read your thoughts and experiences because they are very much shared by me.
I will continue to check your blog out with regularity now. Keep up the good work.
You always make me giggle. My goodness, I really need to get over my addiction to your blog/journey. You are one of a handful that shows up in my inbox. (yeah, that’s right, inbox, not just Reader) and I can’t wait to see your updates. Two days sweet pea and you’ll be in triple digits, having a new perspective on life (and books).