2:29 am
There’s a conference on [beautiful island where I now live] this weekend called “Promises in Paradise,” which is basically a weekend-long AA meeting. Not sure if I can swallow it just yet; I mean, I still sort of cry inside every time I think, island + wine + DDG = null set.
Ah, well. Maybe, like my boyfriend says, I should fill up my wine glass with chilled rooibos tea — my current obsession — instead of wine?
Today was OK; nothing Earth-shattering. Which, in a way, bums me out. (I think I just have to get used to having settled in, and not, like, continuously moving around and looking forward to being somewhere else — or do I? I’m already looking forward to trips to PR, D, and H!) I had an interview with a possible fourth client, and that went well. I must say, this freelance thing takes a lot of patience, as there isn’t as much measurable output as one might need to feel productive. AND, it just takes a lot of time linking up with people and arranging work. I feel somewhat blah about this next project, but I’m sure I’ll rally.
No meeting for me today — figured I’d be able to OD on meetings this weekend if I end up hitting that conference. (And, why not? It’s right around the corner and how cool will I be when I get to tell people that I actually LIVE in said paradise?). I ended up spending the evening cleaning and unpacking! It feels GREAT to have my closet a little bit more organized, to have the bags off the floor and the sheets and towels and underwear in their right place. Yet…
Always a yet. Why can’t I just be happy with what is? Settling in makes me feel unsettled, that’s just a given. I am a restless mofo, and I know this about myself. It’s one of the reasons I drank. Speaking of which, at last night’s meeting, one woman shared that her biggest obstacle to acceptance was that she didn’t like the 21st century! LOL I could relate; I mean, we all have our “head” issues, our perceptions of reality that make us feel crazy/weird being human. Mine is information overload and an inability to “see through” the physical reality around me. More often than not, I would drink out of anxiety and frustration surrounding these glitches.
Anyway, yup, always in my head! Oh, well, that’s what this blog is for. Anyway…I miss my stuff in [cold east coast city]. I miss…my life. In [cold east coast city]? I’m not sure. I feel…like I’m floating. Maybe it’s time for a “real” job; it’s cool to have reached my goal of earning a living as a freelance writer, but I know — have known for a while — that it’s not something that I find all that rewarding anymore, writing/editing, and there are other things I know I’d like to spend my time doing.
All in due time. One day at a time. I have trouble with this, so I’m just going to calmly shut my laptop and Turn It Off.
Oh, and: 14 days, kids! And, really, very little desire to drink; very large desire to keep working, moving forward, and keeping the “wine gut” to a bare minimum (I think I can safely transition to using the more aptly named “blueberry muffin gut” now).
Drunky Drunk Girl 
You go, Drunky Drunk Girl!
🙂 Thank you!
you’re a rock star. i can see you with tea in your wine glass, why not. restlessness is fine. i think i have professional ADD, i love working in three different companies so that i can shift gears completely many times in one day. i also love project based work, so that it’s finished and i’m on to something else. maybe it’s a case of AND AND instead of Either Or. Like you can write AND you can edit AND you can add something else AND something else after that … happy days 🙂
Totally! I think I’m still getting used to somehow being *unplugged* a bit due to being sober. Like, maybe I was always running on fumes, but when I was drinking — even when I was raging hungovah — I felt like I could multitask better. But yeah, AND AND AND sounds right up my alley!
I can seriously identify with being a restless mofo. Within a year, I’ve been on a cruise to Jamaica & Grand Caymen, a long weekend in NY city for the first time, New Orleans, Virginia Beach (twice), Ocean City MD, and I’m trying to think of somewhere else as we speak. Maybe Vegas. It’s like I always have to look forward to something. At least today, it’s not a beer. I guess that’s progress…!
YES. Looking forward to something, whether a trip, a move, a new job, whatever, is SO much better than looking “forward” (more like standing still or going backward) to wine every night. Ocean City, eh? I know someone from there! And New Orleans (the South, in general) is at the top of my must-see list!
Hey DDG, congratulations on two big weeks! It’s great to see you piling up the days.
The restlessness and something missing and lackluster life?–really really common in early sobriety. You ARE missing something, after all, and that’s alcohol, which used to occupy a lot of your/my time. I don’t know about you, but drinking was the center of my life, and it took awhile not to feel like there was a big hole where the wine had been. On the other hand, it’s a real pleasure to no longer be disappearing down that particular rabbit hole!
Give it a little time. You may yet be happy with what is. 🙂 Enjoy the conference and tell us all about it.
So I am alone again tonight and feel completely distressed and abounded by the one i love the most:( yes i am drunk and have been drinking b y myself since I knew he was taking out him guy from cali to impress him> i am from the midwest and have cleaned the house all day and had snacks dinner ect ready and yet my husband takes them out for a night on the town and leaves me at home once again with the kids:I(( he travels all the time and i know my security falsely lies on him. when I feel alone i drink so therefore I drink a lot. I want to be the person God made me with or without him…..I just hate who i have a become..a person I don’t even recognize at all:(((((((( A beautiful mess b/c i know God has a bigger plan for me that all the mess i have created by drinking!!!!YUCKY YUCKO how so i get past this horrible mess:(O((
Hi!
Wish I had replied earlier. Don’t beat yourself up, we’ve all been there! The number of times I drank because I felt alone or abandoned? A million! Seems like it would do you some good to realize that a, you rock and b, you don’t need your husband to validate you. And, you’re not a mess, you’re just using alcohol to fix a problem. Sadly (yes, I am sad, damn it!), it’s not working and/or not working anymore. It took me — and is taking me — a long number of years to figure that one out. I hope you’re feeling better today, I really do. And, *amazing* work for just reaching out! It’s the scariest feeling in the world…
Thanks. For me, I don’t know how to socialize without drinking, so I simply don’t socialize. That hole is the fact that there actually IS a big piece missing for me, in addition to, of course, the wine. BUT, I’m plugging away and am resolved to have patience to establish a new way of operating — hopefully, it won’t seem like such a big deal a few weeks or months from now!